And No... im not suicidal. Yes, the issue resolved. It's the extreme ups and downs a normal human faces.( at least in this part of the world they do )
It is like the walls are closing in. And it is stifling, dying. There is a fledgling attempt to live. To take that little breath of air, to survive. Just this moment, oh please, just this moment…to let my soul live, survive through this phase. To not to die. It is getting increasingly difficult to hold on, to hang in there. The spirit, so weak, so fragile…on the brink, the verge of giving way. It would be so easy. Letting go, succumbing, crumpling. Letting the core just fade into nothingness. Oh so tempting. So very inviting to just be weak. For now, forever. Courage be damned, balls to strength. To wrap around that cold blanket of cowardice. To be one among those beings with broken spirit. Yes, it means being damned as long as you live. Being undead. But the idea is enticing. For one moment of peace, the forever of violence. For one moment of weakness, the forever of self-punishment. For one moment of nirvana, the forever of hell.
Regrets will come. So will remorse. And that shame…of looking in the mirror and not being able to meet my eye. Because I will have let myself down. Let down all those people who love me, have faith in my strength, who take courage from me staying put. And then dying another slow death. That pain, the disappointment in their eyes. That empty look. That blank stare.
It can be worth it isn’t it. This one moment of surrender. Because I can’t hold on. Not anymore. Words are no consolation. Empathy seems like artifice. Why do I have to fight this battle. Why can’t I just accept that I am weak and vulnerable like the million others in the planet.
Then why am I mourning this slow death of my soul. People don’t matter!!! Not meeting myself in the mirror is just an impressive line!! Shame will eventually become paler…and then one day there will be no emotion, just an empty shell. That cant be so bad, right?? There are people living like this everywhere, right?? I don’t have to fight this battle. I am not responsible, accountable to anybody but myself. And I can live with the façade. Yes I can. YES I CAN!!!!
Or can I…???
well ship,
ReplyDeletei knw wat u went thru.....it was tough!!....i'l always b der 4 u...netime!
nw u knw i cant b nice n sweet.....so i jus wana expres dat i care, by refrainin frm my "usual style" of writin.
ne prob, ne help needed, netime....u knw whom not 2 cal ....;) (wel! old habits die hard.....lolz)
-pu.la. (kind & sensitive......atleast i m tryin!)
Hmm.. Went thru all Ur blogs.. BROWSED thru all Ur blogs.. and yeah.. that was prejudiced by the fact that U were of the opp sex..
ReplyDeletehafta say.. one thing I hate, ppl not giving their real opinions even when they are anonymous.. so called phoneys.. talking abt Ur earlier comments.. anyway, all those dirty rants can be in my own blog.. no need to dirty Urs..
Student?? and yet feeling suicidal?? uhhh... cud U just hold on a pee-wee bit? a s/w company and work(or rather the lack of it) ain't too far away.. ;)
Man with no Name
(http://thisucks.rediffblogs.com)
of course you can!!!and hey u r immortal, remb?naah...wise cracks apart, suicide is never an answer. and frankly, i dont think anybody who commits suicide really wants to die...they are just screaming out for help to a stone deaf world. they jus want somebody to listen....damn!!!!if they had invented blogs during MY days at college!!!i wouldn't even have THOUGHT of suicide:-O
ReplyDeleteand let me leave u with sumthin beautiful.....
ReplyDelete"Suicide Note"
Langston Hughes
The calm,cool face
Of the river
Asked me for a kiss.
People...!!!! I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!!!!!! *bold italic underlined*
ReplyDeleteit was in a moment...when i was well da lowest and da downest...admitted that moment is wat makes people kill emselves...but i am not one o em :)
so then purva...coming frm u, its almost poetic. But thankz...n i kno when i call u...ull ask me 2 come online :)
Man: thankz 4 dropping by. n its okie...dirty ranting my blog can endure :P
Princess!!!!! lovely poem. But sadly not useful. I agree most of the people who kill emselves half hope they will b resuced and heard. God bless all of them...those who are suicidal and those who have courage.
as for me...i am alrite now :)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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