Stand by me...

I aint starting with how long, how much, how far, how many, how many not... un huh! Nope...

Taking baby steps. Dildaara playing... loudly. Contented. Smiling.
Happy. Universe right side up.

Gonna make khichdi in sometime. Comfort food.
Hope everyone is happy, content or atleast at peace right now. during some rare, really rare moments, I feel I can make everything alright in the world. How much does it take anyway. A little prayer, a wide smile, a hug parhaps and everyone will be bright eyed, shiny nosed, springy steps

No, not gone bonkers, just plain content... bought a new desktop today :D
No laptop or blackberry can do what a good ol screen and keyboard can do, make me want to write my heart out on this little pink and brown page. Now playing, Senorita - zindagi na milegi dobara.
Hindi song fan. Wondering if all the gagas and beyonces can make your feet tap while dangling six inches from ground. I am sitting on a chair if you are wondering. Feeling silly now. The song has that effect on me. Dancing now, good and proper, legs jiggling, fingers snapping, shoulders - well whatever it is that you do with the shoulders while dancing.
Chammak Challo now...

:D Publishing before i lose my nerve

Scared!

2 years...
This blog has been dead for two years...
Ive been out of writing for two years...
And the world has changed for me in these two years....

Ive moved to another city which I now call home.
When asked how does Bangalore compare to Bomay, I give a whimsical smile...
I have been married for a good part of these two years...
I thought I had long killed and buried this aspect of my life.
But tonight is different. And should I thank Blogger to keep this thread of sanity or insanity (whatever I feel at a given moment) alive for two years...!

Anyways.. tonnes to talk about, about these two years of hiatus- self imposed...? Well thats for another post, if ever.
I cant sleep tonight. Its 2 in the night, and I cant sleep.
Not that I have been a die hard fan of early to bed... blah but tonight is different.
I am scared... scared of losing what I have. More importantly scared of death. Not mine, ofcourse not, but people I love, people I cant imagine living without...!!
Is anybody ill in my family? No.
Has anything untoward happened recently? Other than losing 2 cats in a span of 4 months.. no.
Can it be those God-awful programmes coming on Indian television these days? Maybe.
But shouldnt I have more sense than be carried away by the nonsense dished out for braindead audience? Perhaps...

What is it?????
Its that bonedeep chill... that sense of foreboding that prevails dead in the night. Its a beautiful winter night here in Bangalore. Clear sky I can gaze at from my window - a privilage very few have in the metro cities... I have the love of my life snoring rhythmically next to me on the warm bed, I couldnt ask for more, could I?

Yes I could, and I am!
Im asking for certainty. Certainty that nothing will rock my boat. Nothing will jinx my life at this moment. I feel so fragile. Will cuddling help? will consoling help? Do I sound insane?!!????
Too many questions and no solace in writing.. its like each thread unravels thousands of tiny threadlets. Too scared to even think those out aloud. I wonder if everyone sleeping right this moment is sleeping peacefully, at having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world? (DISGUSTED!) Or are people simply pretending to be jolly fellows trying to hide their own fears and apprehensions.

I dont think I want fake assurances right now.
I want to let my fear fester. Feed on the darkness of the night and the cold outside.
I want to cry for the hopelessness I feel, for the dread the morning might bring.

And then sleep.
At having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world.

Dead Blog...

My Blog is dead.... my lovely blog is sooo dead!!
And so is FB and my friendship and may be just maybe my relationship with my fiance.

Maybe i like it this way. I always knew i had a streak of masochism in me... self pity gives me a kick like no grass can- not like ive never smoked grass (one of the many things i dont think ill ever do - i somehow link it to somekinda cool quotient) anyway!

Why am i blogging again...? I have no idea.
How long will the posts continue... Absolutely no idea...
An even basic question... will this post be published... "dont know dont know dont know..."

That seems to be my funda in life these days... Clueless

You might think ive had a fight with my guy. No, all this venting is BECAUSE i didnt fight with him. And good thing too. He accused me of having a problem if he has good health.
Lack of sleep, talking late in the night makes him catch cold, run a fever, have blood shot eyes.
And all the above keeps me just dandy... (being sarcastic jus in case my writing has lost touch)

Am i mad at him?? OH NO!!! I WOULDNT DARE!!!! coz that will lead to a fight, him apologising for not being able to give me enough time... same ol story.... so im being miss-g00dy-two-shoes which suits him fine, he can catch up on sleep, work, his folks,friends, his space and his time *someday i should write bout him...*

I dont know why am i ranting like a love starved puppy... coz i arent.
I just miss me... my friends... what I had with mr. fantasticonceuponatime
I miss this space.... and i miss all those who would read, sympathise, empathise or jus comment for the heck of it...

Its been so long... so darned long.... so long since ive been myself...
And i ve changed - and its too late to contemplate if its for the better or worse...
knowing me its the later.

This pink and brown space has been my mecca. My space... mine MINE!!!!!

You know after working in a corporate, where short forms are not allowed (your version of words that i.e) after being with a guy whos just too superior for you to ever catch up, firends who over a period of time have drifted apart and a million other firefighting events... I think one gains a perspective in life. Which is just as twisted and bizzare as when you started off - not with the perspection (is that a word??!?!) but with realization that there are more sophisticated and classy sounding words which when uttered brings out a light of respect in the listening party.

Talking about the perspective ive gained... That no one gives a rats ass to what you think, decide or do...
No one absodamnlutely no one cares! Unconditional love and all that bullshit aside, once you are actually into the whole thing and you put ur 100% into the matter, they all are the same.

Thats why i trust strangers, inanimate blogs.. Coz they have no reason to care. So they dont pretend they do. They listen to you and then forget and you are cool with it coz u know they dont care two hoots.

Its the ones who say they care who are dangerous. Coz it matters to you that they do and in the end it turns out they dont! And BOY DOES IT HURT!

I can say all this is assuming i have no one left to read this space. Imagine my horror when people i know will... at this particular point, im beyond caring. Not like i ever did.

Im babbling shit and i know it and... I DONT CARE!! Like my guy who says he loves me like no other. Like friends who are there but are too distant to be approached like my folks who affection stifles at times...

I am left alone, with my blog and FB who is dismantled but not complaining.
And the arrangement suits me just fine. *smiles*

As you sow, so shall you weep!!

While i was writing the last post (ages ago) Id thought my blog would be more active, more alive and buzzing with my ever increasing knowledge and worldly know-how.
Alas, it wasnt meant to be.
Id thought my blog to be long dead.
Surprisingly, what they say isnt far from the truth. Actually... it aint surprising, Im just catching up a lil late on the fact or on the adage "As u sow, so shall you reap"

I sowed and i sowed and I sowed and i sooo sowed and how!! For the first 2 years of my blog's birth... it was more of me showing off my writing skills than anything else.
Then after a while, when it started becoming my personal space, it was more of an intrusion of my friends and family knowing i pour out my woes in this lil pink and brown space.
Then id stopped blogging and getting on with my life and the whole fiasco happened with my boss reading not so nice thing bout him.
How would you ask? It was me reaping what id sowed.*sheepish*
Anyways, nw after almost 2 years of my blogdom, im reaping and reaping and reaping some more.
*Elixir's Gyaan: saying REAPING again and againg makes it sound very weird*

So i have people scrapping me and messaging me saying they find my writing absodamnlutely amazing, which is nice and everything but the fact still remains that Im over that phase and I dont need need to be made to feel good bout my writing skills...

But! BUT!!! Iam not complaining *grins* you keep em coming, there is nothing like too much of a good thing
Sothen people!! Tell me i write amazing :D

PS: All nasty comparisons on my past writing and present writing will b deleted - by the order of the author.

Pains for MBA

Come one come all....
Read one, and assume read all....
Shipra's blog isnt her personal space, personal diary anymore *well it wasnt one to begin with* it has become or is gonna become the space for the latest TOI editorial reviews. *making faces*

All this is for the fabled and revered MBA preparations. Like the millions in the herd, yours truely *made changes after the first comment* has also decided to make her miserable life useful n givingin to the peer, parents, boyfriend pressure enrolling in one of the top MBA preparatory institutes. No the enrollment was her own decision, but this blog post is coz A thinks I should pay attention to the daily news.

If that wasnt bad enough, Im to write the review o some sodding peoples lives and other peoples opinions on the same.
Something like the eds this morning talk about a million things in one page- which wouldnt b different from the rest of the days but just that im reading the editorials after well after since forever!!
Theres talks bout the blog n the apparent plagiarism, the fact that the entire Asia should have one currency to fight against the rising dominance o the dollar, the pak threateneing the indo-us nuclear someshit.
Look now I dont mean to be very nonchalant or unbothered about the whole matter, but will take me more than a week to get into the mode to appreciate the whole logic o trashing the country in one article and then talking about the brotherhood feelings shared in the very adjecent write up.
Frankly, I just read 4 articles and woh bhi uppar se... but give me some credit, Im trying...
I supps i didnt mention I woke up at 5 in the morning today to go to the damned gym!!!!!!!
This is for A specifically - I love you, but keeping this up, dono how long this will last, not the pain for MBA preparations but my love for u :P

Miserable!!!!

Forever and always, these days.
Very very restless!!
Dont know wat i want, what im seeking... but im searching for something. Peace maybe. God, once upon a time id go sniffing for trouble just to pep up my mundane life.
Not like suddenly my life has become any less mundane but a lot o trouble lately.
It isnt even trouble, God alone knows what it is, coz i sure cant fathom.....

Thought of changing my blog url... why you ask? Because my boss happened to read the posts dedicated to him (were nasty posts) . No use scrolling down searching for the posts, deleted them as a mark of my apology to him.
Then decided to change my url. First thought was that I dont wanna do it. I dont think I will. There is a curious peace when I see the old pink and brown page. Very pink as the guy bloggers would comment *smiling fondly*

Id once sworn Id never change. But today was showing my palm to a colleague who -she says- can read em. And there is a drastic change in the lines i was born with and my present lines. Figues, i thought. Have always wantd to do something myself.

Trying to find my sense o humour, trying to find my zest for life. Feel like crying sometimes. A lot of things went into making me the way I am today. Maybe a lot more confident, a lot more successful *now that is debatable* but I hate to see at the cost of me. Who am I to blame anybody, I lapped appreciation when I got it, hungered for more...

Wish I wasnt such a fool. Work happened and love happened. N now I know that all my efforts in both is not going to be fruitful. Trying so hard to be the same old me, not happening. But i dont think im gonna give up!

I was fabulous once... I will be again. *I hope*

This blog aint dead!!

Ill be back*grins*