A Drop Of Elixir ..........

Just enough to last a lifetime or enough to last the lifetime an eternity ...That again is a matter of opinion

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

There is God!!!!

I never proclaimed that being single till ur 20 is sumthing to be proud of. Not like you can do something about it. If you are the conventional types. I WAS the conventional types. But then…one day I decided enough was enough.

Happened a month ago.
Decided whether to blog about it. Then decided against it. Then my friend askd me why I didn’t write about it. Then I decided to take a hiatus from blogging. Now finally I figure its about time I sling some mud on the “FRIEND” who broke my heart*exaggeration*

Digression (primalsoup style): Coming back to blogging I realized what a heady feeling it is. Time away was to do some thinking. I was soo buzy living, id stopped living completely. Was being soo full of myself that my ego and my self centeredness was spilling outta my blog in2 the real world. So I had to stop and take charge. Not just the blog but everything else too. Didn’t work. Too bad. Ill leave deep writings for some other post. SEEEEEEE!!! Two weeks o introspection n absodamnlutely no effect. This is gonna piss me off too. But later!! All sodding stuff later!!!!

Anyways…I was saying, I am a perfectly normal human being. ANDD liking a guy is a part of normality. What isn’t normal…actually it is, but I thought it wasn’t…not normal-normal but conventional-normal. Too many people do it these days. Gurls I mean. Tell a guy she digs him. Makes sense actually. Coz if the guy digged u right bak, he would say or do sumthing bout it rite!!?? But no. Since it is not happening. Mite as well take the initiative yourself. Era of feminism n liberation of women and all that shit.

So I decided to spice up my concocted-in-mind-non-existent love life by deciding to have a crush on a friend. Well it isn’t as bad as it sounds. I didn’t think and decide that the person is gonna be my next infatuation or sumthing. Aaahhh. It is getting worse, my explanation. So ill chuck it.

A friend, a GOOD friend (now the good is in bold and caps not because he is more than a friend but a very close friend and later do you realize why I stressed on the goodness. *rolling eyes*) came down to India for his vacations. And I*ashamed now* was infatuated by him. The last statement is making me defensive. But I wont defend myself or anything. I bet everyone goes through these phases. And he is a smart, intelligent and nice guy. Not very studly…but then theek hi hai abhi, u can't have everything. But as it turned out you can't have a decent response to the first tentative proposal of your life. One would expect more from a good friend. SIGH!!

So almost a month after he came down, I decided after too much deliberations and a lot o coaxing from a colleague (Christine) that I should tell him how I feel before he leaves for states or id have lost the chance till the next time he comes and who knows if by then…one year is a long time *jeez I am sounding like femme fatale!!!!*

And I collected my courage one day and told him on the phone that I THINK I am developing a huge HUGE crush on him. Waited with bated breath for his reaction. And…ANDDDDDD!!!!!! He laughed. HE LAUGHED!!!!!!! *the nerve of the ass like he gets such statements 10 a day*

Him: hehe, how much do you know me anyways?!
Me: Yeah I know, I am a fool.*muttering under my breath*
Him: no, you are cute.
Cute??!!!??CUTE???!!!! yeah rite!!
Me:*still persistant* cute?? Isn’t there something you should say?? Like no, ships u don’t like me or sumshit. You just gobbled it and sit quiet.
Him: what do you want me to say?? I knew it already.
I left the matter. If anything I didn’t expect him to be chilled about it. I was almost embarrassed. I can't be soo transaparent. At least being a good *the good from the bold and caps above comes in question comes here*. A friend would mean you react suitably surprised and flattered and flustered. What with this being my first admission of infatuation, I expected my friend to be more considerate and react appropriately. But no!! I was gonna get a supremely smug reaction of “I already knew it"

That was chapter one. Chapter two is worse. And here is where I show what an ass he really is and how the villain broke my heart.

He knows a gurl since 5 years. Since before I knew him. He doesn’t know her, know her. He’d jus met him once before for God’s sake. I knew that he would like to get to know her better. He found her interesting. All that I knew I admit. I was a friend before naa. It was recently that I had more than friendly feelings for him *or not!!*

When he came down this time, he decided he will meet her. I, yes people it was I who told him, encouraged him even, to go meet her. She wasn’t ready, but I asked her to be persistant. Finally she agreed to meet him.

And this pig tells me about it. Some thing like this is the conversation.
Me: *morose* how did it go??
Him: *pepped up* oh it was nice!! She is very nice. I would like to meet her again. Get to know her.
(oh and btw, did I fail to mention that she has a boyfriend already?? YES!! She is seeing someone already and he still wants to “get to know her better” HURMP!!)
ME:*feigning excitement* good for u, r u meeting her again? * heart beating 130 a minute*
Him: hehe yeah. She didn’t want to. But she wants a book that I have. I told her if she wants the book, she has to meet me.
*duh!!!! Ofcourse she doesn’t wanna meet. She has a guy already. But I was still empathetic n all, I decided if not mine but at least his love life should go somewhere. SIGH. DOUBLE SIGH!!! I supported him all along*

just before he leaves he messages me saying he is going to meet her that day and will profess his interest in her.

All would have been fine if I hadn’t liked him liked him…Worse was me had told him bout it and the pig discusses his lovelife with ME of all people. Then has the nerve of asking me if I was alright about it.

Alls well that ends well…the gurl didn’t meet him, he didn’t confess anything, I was glad- ashamed about how happy I was- but still glad.

OH THERE IS GOD!!!! *grin*

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Off blogging for a while...

Monday, June 13, 2005

Ponderings Anyone??

It rainedyesterday. At around 3 in the night. Was alseep but woke up. Surprising, its not everytime that once gone to theland of dreams, do I wake up. But it was the smell of the wet mud. Sounds cliched, wet mud, streaks of water, tapping of the drops on the window shade,
but romantic it is. And nostalgic.

Was sitting there till it was early morning. On the window sill. Leaning out, just. Only the feet and outstretched hands would get wet. There were drops which would fall on the grills and then bounce back on my face. Just a slight nip in the air, not uncomfortable but not cozy either. Something about it and my state of mind. Thinking, feeling, contemplating, nostalgic. It wasnt the desolate feeling that creeps in when alone, it wasnt the lonely feeling, the heavy feeling that settles around the heart, it was the hopeful kinds. It was the realisation that everything is beautiful and lovely, amazing and full of wonder, never ending and forever etched somewhere. Albeit in my memory.

The sky was reddish purple, there were crows sitting under the cover of the palm trees in the compound. Reminded me of my childhood. Took me back to me in class 3. Monsoons, june july. We would play antakshari and pappa would sing. Tell us ghost stories which would freak me out. And shubhra would make silly noises. It was when I understood the truth about fear both palpable and unconscious. And about Manna Dey and shama songeet and nazrool giti. We would be laughing when Maa would sing. And try sing in tune with pappa;s baritone.

There would be no electricity inthe nights. Wasnt needed too. There was breeze, the curious air that blows when it rains. We used to sit on the window sill. Me n my sister. And giggle and flail our limbs, hands outstretched palms cupped. Competing who would gather the most drops. Me used to cheat. I used to hold da palm under the shade where water would gather. And then splash it on her. And then we would start fighting. Because she would cry saying the water is dirty. Lol, was true *smiles*
All this in candle light, inverters as a concept hadnt arrived at my humble village. There was something about doing stuff in candle light i think, which gives my memories a surreal tint. I remember golden glow and cold air. We couldnt do our homework because there was no electricity. Pappa wouldnt let us. So we would do whole lot of other stuff. All sitting on the window sill.

Our neighbour, Mary Aunty would buy bread, no, not bread, its called paav. And the paav wala would come every evening. Sell Paav and eggs. And his arrival would be marked by the ringing of his cycle bell. Around 8ish. One nite it was raining heavy. And we were as usual getting bored with just the water works. No pun. We rang our cycle bell, twice, just the way the Paav wala would do. And as expected, Mary Aunty called out..."paav wala, ek dozen paav dena". I remember giggling so hard and for so long, couldnt seem to stop. Seemed like we would die laughing. But couldnt laugh loud, because like us Mary Aunty would also sit by the window. *smiles* How would the paav wala come? It was raining so heavy that night.

Make paper boats, throw them down. Competition was to see whose paper boat would remain upright. Mine never did. Was always sad at origami. Again I would cheat. Tie a thread to the sail of my boat and thow it down. Shubhra is smart if nothing else, and learns quick. She would throw pebbles in my boat. making it sink. And again we would fight.
Making craft with the melted candle wax. Drop melted wax in water and it hardens immediately. We would buy coloured candles for that. And then stick those frozen pallets on paper. Make apples, birds and then stick it up on the dart board.
And then skools would be shut due to heavy rains. Cooped up at home the whole day, we would give missed calls to our neighbours sleeping in the noon. Climb trees and play ghar ghar during summers. Gang up wid kids from other buildings and play cricket. I would never want to field. Always bat. And thats why they would never let me bat first. Coz of obvious reasons. I wouldnt field after i was out.

Life can never get back to that can it? Everything was NOT perfect. But then there was something so pure almost pious about the times then. And now...sitting again at the window sill. Almost 12 years later. Nothings changed, everythings changed...

The only difference is, then I was making memories... now I cherish them...

Thursday, June 09, 2005

My experience of life... Part II

flavours13: ohhh....
a_drop_of_elixir: yeah
flavours13: n do u go to the farms with ur dad????
a_drop_of_elixir: nahi, my cuz does
flavours13: n do u milk cows???
a_drop_of_elixir: my family aint in2 farming
a_drop_of_elixir: yes, i can milk a cow
a_drop_of_elixir: i can even midwife da birth o calfs
a_drop_of_elixir: sumthing like cameron diaz in charlies angels
a_drop_of_elixir: I brought GANGA in2 this world
flavours13: eooowww
a_drop_of_elixir: no no!! dont b disgusted my friend
flavours13: eowwwwwwwwww
flavours13 : its gross.....i saw dat on discovery
flavours13 : do u know what that is?
a_drop_of_elixir : no
flavours13: the discovery???
a_drop_of_elixir: ohh
flavours13: cuz u only seem to watch amche whateva!
a_drop_of_elixir : aamchi maati aamchi mansa, its marathi
a_drop_of_elixir: i dono y ppl think its such a big deal
a_drop_of_elixir :we have cows here, tigers prowl at nites
flavours13 : oh ok
a_drop_of_elixir :wolves whine...its almost da same
a_drop_of_elixir :no1 ever filmed US
flavours13: realllyYyyy???
a_drop_of_elixir :ofcourse whr do u think all da veggies in da burgers come frm??
a_drop_of_elixir : my uncle’s farm!!!
flavours13: ohhhh....i thought the mc's had their own way of test tube veggies or sumthin!
a_drop_of_elixir :no
flavours13 : i didnt know they had to go to the gaon to get it
a_drop_of_elixir : they dont come silly, trucks do
a_drop_of_elixir :big big boxes on wheels
flavours13 : aaahhhhhh
a_drop_of_elixir : when saraswati saw a truck for da first time...
flavours13 : saraswati??
a_drop_of_elixir : saraswati is my neighbour
a_drop_of_elixir : bubbly 10 yr old
a_drop_of_elixir : she thought its armageddon
flavours13: hahahahhahahhahahahha
a_drop_of_elixir : lol
a_drop_of_elixir : gime a min here brb
flavours13 : k
flavours13 : phirrrrrrrrrrr???
a_drop_of_elixir : ahem
a_drop_of_elixir : so whr was i
a_drop_of_elixir : haan, saraswati
a_drop_of_elixir : she came running 2 me
a_drop_of_elixir : im da expert when it comes 2 foreign stuff, city studying you see
flavours13 : (hahahhahaha) hmmmm
a_drop_of_elixir : so she came runnign 2 me
flavours13 : very pardesi u must b
a_drop_of_elixir : yes
a_drop_of_elixir : sumtimes they treat me like im an outsider
a_drop_of_elixir : that hurts i mean... i mite study thr n all
flavours13 : awwww.. hahahahahahehehe
a_drop_of_elixir : phir bhi
a_drop_of_elixir : n now tell me rahul….r u like really laughing or jus plain "hahahahahaha"??
flavours13 : am on the floor
a_drop_of_elixir : oh get up!!!
a_drop_of_elixir :hamare yahan, to be on da floor is 2 respect elders
a_drop_of_elixir : u lay prostrate on da floor, ur mark o respect 2 da elders
a_drop_of_elixir : n im younger 2 u naa
flavours13 : hahahahahhahah
a_drop_of_elixir : i cant take that much honour, jus NOT YET
flavours13: wah wah.....
a_drop_of_elixir : yeah
a_drop_of_elixir : my rural upbringing
flavours13: duh!
flavours13: but....u didnt tell me....what happ to saraswati??/
a_drop_of_elixir : oh yeah, she was like spell bound
a_drop_of_elixir : n heart running, 120 a minute
a_drop_of_elixir : palpitations!!! i thought she;d pass out
a_drop_of_elixir : then i explaind
flavours13 : hahahhahahaha
a_drop_of_elixir : "thr r all sizes" sum r big, sum r small
a_drop_of_elixir : sum have cover, n sum ppl prefer big ones
a_drop_of_elixir : more satisfaction!!
flavours13 : what were u talkin bout???
a_drop_of_elixir : n well small 1 is...
a_drop_of_elixir : i thought id teach her lessons of life also, wid da analogy being vehicles
flavours13 : now i know y most of the kidz frm gaon neva make it big !
flavours13 : well there r exceptionz....like tabu!
flavours13 : i guess thaz cuz she had a pardesi papa!
a_drop_of_elixir :cmon
a_drop_of_elixir : ppl here dont have exposure 2 stuff
a_drop_of_elixir : hmm yeah
flavours13 : n u neva told me.......what do u do weekendzzzz/
a_drop_of_elixir : weekends...
a_drop_of_elixir : we have melas, thr we have fairys wheel
a_drop_of_elixir : n horse ride n cow rides
flavours13 : is der where u "hangout" wid ur palz???
a_drop_of_elixir : yes, it’s the gaon;s background, farms mein
flavours13 : hahahahahah
a_drop_of_elixir : wid a lil bit o knowledge bot things, gurls n guys meet thr chupke se
flavours13 : n they make out too?
a_drop_of_elixir :ofcourse not, not YET
flavours13 : then whennnn????
a_drop_of_elixir : i havent reachd that part o gyaan yet, soon
a_drop_of_elixir : n i plan 2 have live bands n all u kno
a_drop_of_elixir : dhol n shehnai
flavours13 : ohhh ok
a_drop_of_elixir : dholi taro kinda music
flavours13 : hahahahhahahahaahha
a_drop_of_elixir : or mayb more softer ones
flavours13 : rotfl
a_drop_of_elixir : so that when ppl r making out...
flavours13 : goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
flavours13 : stoppppppp!!!!!!!
flavours13 : hahahahhahahhaa
a_drop_of_elixir: lol
a_drop_of_elixir: kya hua??

He…people had enough!!!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

My experience of life... Part I

Living in the suburbs of Mumbai, the conversation I had with a friend. Now this friend I might add lives in lokhandwala which is supps to be pretty hep as against me who travels in local trains and lives in the not so hep part o the city *two kinds words of empathy would do me good here*

flavours13: i've neva been there b4!! whatz the plc like??/
a_drop_of_elixir: totally picturesque
a_drop_of_elixir: n unlike my classmates think...we DO get electricity here n i dont have 2 go 2 a lake wid matka 2 fill water
flavours13: do u have tv??
a_drop_of_elixir: hehe nope. We all gang up at da panchayat offcie 2 watch aamchi maati n aamchi mansa at 7 in da evening n chitrahaar at 8
flavours13: whatz dat????
a_drop_of_elixir: its sum documentry that used 2 air in door darshan when i was in class 1 wid all farmers n all
flavours13: hahahahhahahah
flavours13: do ppl there know what mc donalds is???
a_drop_of_elixir: they dont
flavours13: realllyyyyyyyyy????????????
a_drop_of_elixir: ofcourse ppl here kno mc donalds
flavours13: do u have one???
a_drop_of_elixir: no we don’t but we have aamchi maati aamchi mansa
a_drop_of_elixir: my bedroom window faces a chotu hill n a pond n a crematorium
flavours13: u must b the smartest kid on the block eh??? knowin english n all!
a_drop_of_elixir: ohh yeah!! I am the smartest
flavours13: do u have cars there????
a_drop_of_elixir: no we travel by bullock cartsso a snail mail is delivered only sundays
flavours13: =))
a_drop_of_elixir: every week n that too, thr is no access n all
a_drop_of_elixir: so our postman keeps it at da "panchayat office" n we have 2 go collect it
a_drop_of_elixir: i do it every evening walk my calf her name is GANGA
flavours13: hahahahahhahah
a_drop_of_elixir: n yeah...wid me knowing English n all im like treated like a princess i get ribbons when i score well in exams
flavours13: aahhhh....n then u must go bak home frm coll n tell them all how the vada pav has civilized to b burgers in the city, hai na?
a_drop_of_elixir: yes. i tell ppl da stories n kids listen 2 me wide eyed. i tell them of big big cities n zooming cars n mc donalds n barista
a_drop_of_elixir: n ppl wonder y 2 pay for coffee if u can make em at home
flavours13 : lolzzzz
a_drop_of_elixir: n i tell em bout guys...who gel their hair… n da old ladies say…oiling hair has da same effect
flavours13 : hahahahhaahah
a_drop_of_elixir : hehe
flavours13 : n temme bout the chickz dere!
flavours13 : i so wanna know!
a_drop_of_elixir : tell me I am supercool!!
flavours13 : u're da best!
flavours13 : am sure u'll grow up to b their head!
a_drop_of_elixir : now that uve pleased me...ill tell u bout da gaon ki goris
a_drop_of_elixir : they cud give vidhisha pavate a run for her money
a_drop_of_elixir : dont get me rong..i dont sit n ogle at em but they r real beauties...
a_drop_of_elixir : big big flowers in da hair
flavours13: n wait… i also wanna know bout the one who getz pregnant by sum pardesi.... n hez gone away…
a_drop_of_elixir: oh her...poor gurl
flavours13: hhahahahahahh
a_drop_of_elixir: her name is .... shardha. sweet gurl she is
a_drop_of_elixir: my mom was not sure if i should go 2 da city 2 study u kno...wat if i fell in love wid da sheher ka ladka like sharda…
a_drop_of_elixir: so then...thr was this mean guy frm da town no less
flavours13: reallllyyyyy/?
a_drop_of_elixir: who came 2 photograph da village n she fell in love wid him
a_drop_of_elixir: n da swine...da lusty pig
a_drop_of_elixir: it was like ...wats da movie...: zeenat aman n sashi kapoor
flavours13: satyam shivam sundaram!
a_drop_of_elixir: poor shardha..she didnt even kno having sex leads 2 babies
flavours13: she didn’t know sex leads to babies!!?
flavours13: rotflmao
a_drop_of_elixir: it was sooooo tragic
a_drop_of_elixir: hamare yahan...naa, talkin bout sex n all...real taboo!!!
a_drop_of_elixir: usmein my familyis a bit open 2 all. i come 2 da city naa...2 study
a_drop_of_elixir: so its me...who gives ppl da truth bout birds n bees
flavours13: phirr?? Phirr kya hua??
a_drop_of_elixir: phir shardha went nuts. now she runs at da highwayafter every car...
a_drop_of_elixir: screaming
a_drop_of_elixir: real sad i tell u
flavours13: phirr sharda ka kya hua?
flavours13: n the babies???
a_drop_of_elixir: she fell n scraped her knee
flavours13: she leavez them at the day care eh??? Twins??
a_drop_of_elixir: them?? they were no twins. they were triplets!!!
flavours13: fuck!!! Lmao!!!
a_drop_of_elixir: n we dont have a day care here, silly
a_drop_of_elixir: they now living in da panchayat office
flavours13: ohhhh....
a_drop_of_elixir: babbu, dabbu n tabbu
flavours13: their names??
a_drop_of_elixir: yeah. bright kids
flavours13: aahhhh...isnt the last one who grew up to be an actress???
a_drop_of_elixir: but shardha still runs after da cars
a_drop_of_elixir: yes yes n then ppl realised she has an elder sis
a_drop_of_elixir: babujee's legal child , FARA
flavours13: ohhhhh
flavours13: hahahahahhahaha
a_drop_of_elixir: anything else u wanna kno?? i need 2 log out at 12. electricity chala jata hai at 12
flavours13: hahahahahhaha
flavours13: its 12:5 now
a_drop_of_elixir: oh hamare yahan time zones r a lil flexible
a_drop_of_elixir: so a lil more time wat wid me being da wizkid n all...they give me concessions
flavours13: ohhh....

Psst: the next half next post :P

Monday, June 06, 2005

Taggie doing rounds.

Ive been tagged twice…once by Soxy and then by Divs, frankly I didn’t know what it was all about. Chain mail…its like chain mail…but fun hai…toh I decided breaking all rules and *ahem* principles Pay attention SOxy n Divs and just indulging in stupidity, n since there were two both of different kinds, I decided to fill in both or whatever…

SOxy’s taggie was on movies…was really simple…so I like his…I like divs too,

Here goes…

  1. Films I own: here is where I break down n weep. I have two weeks notice, I have unbreakable, dil chata hai,andaz apna apna,

om jai jagdish in my defence…I got it free with the sony musiq system, santoshi maa belongs to my amma,
you;ve got mail, Mona Lisa smile, aitraaz (got it as a gift, yeah yeah the priyanka chopra, akshay kumar, kareena wala) yeah that’s bout it.

2.Last film I bought:
like SOXY said, ive not bought a single film, but I too paid 150 bucks to watch kingdom of heaven *puke* lol I didn’t, my boss did, his treat to us for getting married, him not us.

3.Five films that I watch a lot or mean something to me:
-Andaz Apna apna
-Dilwale Dulhaniya le jayenge
-top gun- this is the mean a lot to me slotted movie
-Anything and everything they air on HBO, Star Movies, Zee Studio is it?? The one that was MGM pehle…star Gold, star plus…star this….star that…

The THREE THINGS post is pretty stupid, but wth I like it coz here I get to talk bout me!!!
Three names you go by:
Ships, shiproo, shipu, citra…(trust me sum ppl have no respect for your name!!)

Three screen names you have had:
Well well well…if I jus wanted people to pm me on yahoo or msn, id display my mail id and my yahoo profile, oh but a game is a game…*wink*

Currently I am on a_drop_of_elixir HUNKY, SEXY guys take the hint or the id rather ;)

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. My hair
2. My smile
3. my style (not really but it goes well wid the previous word )

Three physical things that you dont like abt yourself:
1. my feet
2. my butt
3. my ears

Three parts from your heritage:
1.Apparently thr is sum bong blood in my ancestry
2. My nanis gold n solitaire necklace which apparently goes to the eldest daughter of the next gen, na na nana na naaaaa
3. Brains…I guess…

Three things that scare you:
1. Tall guys
2. Lizards
3. Mom (naaahhh!!)

Three of your everyday essentials:
1.internet/ phone
3. deodorant (cmon I travel in Mumbai locals huh!!)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1.Cotton Pjs
2.junk jewellery…(no they don’t go along wid payjamas but wat the heck, I am an cough independent female who defines her own fashion sense *or not!!!*)
3. ketchup stains on the pjz.

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. love
2. lust (hehe, id written sex, I feel so daring!!! I am having breezer, I don’t think u get drunk on that…)
3. forever after…

Two truths and one lie(need not be in order specified)
Ive had a crush on a guy for 12 yrs
I (still) think he is hunky
I am sexy

Three things in the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1.sense o humour
3.boyish maturity…orwatever it is…

Three things i want to do really badly right now:
nothing really, I mean I had to go 2 the loo, but now I am done…is my blog getting a bit too unsophisticated??

Three careers you are considering
umm I dono, something in HR,
Consulting, teaching *God help the kids then* writing perhaps…

Three places where i want to go on a vacation to:
2. Greece
3. Damn this third choice is really bugging now…errmmm oh yeah I kno, Dalhousie, my boss is gone thr for his honeymoon, hehe ;-)

Three kids names that u like
baapi, mishty, babu

Three things you want to do before you die:

Three things eh?? Three is a lil too less, but most imp o em r….
1.have a boyfriend
2.tell everyone I love em, personally
3.uff….bas, I jus wanna do two things outta the million oh no…I wanna adopt a kid.

Three people who u want to take this quiz:
oh any sodding ppl who r having writers block rite now , take it, don’t take….live happy!!

There…I am done. Now whoever wants to take this up is welcome…I don’t wanna fwd it to anyone. But if anyone wants to take it up…u have been tagged!! But jus mention it in your taggie thing…that it was yours truly’s tag that did it *wink*

Friday, June 03, 2005

All the load...

Life these days have been rocking. Catching up on life and beauty sleep. Meeting skool friends, going shopping, movies…and made me think…
And I think that im lonely. Its not like im alone. Im always surrounded by people. Nice people. People who are more than eager to show their affection, their love, the fact that they care. But does that make me feel nice??
Momentary gratification, yes. But not after the wisp of da moment disappears in the air. Like a curling smoke.
So im lonely and what do I do to counter that?? I reach out further. Meeting new people. More people, Strangers. Join activity groups, some hobby class…Anything, everything to get outta the loving death grip of familiar people. People who “care”. Some kinda twisted logic u think?? Nope. It isn’t. And I using my brilliant deductive logic have figured out what exactly is the connection.

Its not like I don’t like people. I genuinely love them. More people, many people. Crowds, masses, groups where there are acquaintances, strangers, always plural. The more, the merrier. But always people who are outside my life and outside the line. The line that divides people with mild curiosity and indifference in my life from people with active participation in my life and da events happening in it. People you crack jokes with and laugh till your bus arrives. People who just ask hows life not caring about your answer. People who are not interested in your life.
A polite smile, an indifferent nod, and just that. No more. No interference. Strangers. Those who know nothing bout me. Where im new, a non entity. Anonymous. Where I am who I say I am. Where I am what I do. But human tendency is to attach. Know more, see more, talk more. So much more that they wanna attach a name to you, then a face then a voice. So that eventually they end up being a part of your little life. Part of me. And then again I go searching for new places and things. A clean slate.

I don’t think I want closeness. I don’t think I want attachment, trust, love even. Because they disappoint. let me down. Each and everytime. No im not an optimist. Just a fool, I reach out again and again and again. Just to be scorched again. To be disappointed again. So shouldn’t I be wiser?? And keep to myself? *smiles* I think im a masochist.
Selfless love, total acceptance, genuine understanding. I doubt if they exist. Or maybe they do and it is just me who don’t have faith in them. They bind, they attach, they make you stay. They make you give. I don’t wanna give. i wanna move on. I need to move on. Meeting new people, new stuff, new adventure. Because im tired of the same ol things, routine and drama. They grate on my nerves after sumtime. Irritate, the the burr under the saddle. Constant itching. Till I need respite and I go out again seeking new things, a new world where I can start afresh.

But I don’t sever relations. Im not heartless. No. im not bad. I take memories along. Pictures, memorabilia, mementos…because even though I want to get out of that life, I want to take along their smiles, the things they used. How much I hoard I realized time and again in the recent events. The essay and drawing book, my first crush’s eraser, losing the message archive(which I never read) in Yahoo coz I reinstalled it after FB was formatted, my cell phone that had numbers of people who I will never meet again.
“did u read the messages stored in ur archive??”
“why do u need the numbers and email ids of people who are not present in ur life anymore?? And you can always have the contact details of people who are”
I don’t need them per se. But then they are my memories. People I met, things I shared with people who most probably will never meet again. People who touched me in some way and made me different. At least for a moment.
How I wish people I knew didn’t read my blog. Because they bind. They restrict. They know. They react. And their reaction affects.
I feel sad on losing things. When something breaks. Because its another memory gone. Another moment lost till my fickle mind remembers and links it to something. And I know those moments are few. Very few. and I am never gonna get em back. Again. Ever.
I have a hard time letting go of a relationship. The person im not sure I love. But someone I think of everyday. No longer in my life. I cant seem to accept that people move on and that there are many beautiful people in my life now than were six months ago. I could write the date and the time too, but im too ashamed at my pathetic need to hang on to him.

So it is the memories I cherish. The songs, the talks, the words…
And so I go on. Everyday. Behaving like everything is okie and normal. But secretly storing. Storing and sorting. All the information that goes into my memories. To be thought of when im staring out of a train. Sitting in a rick. Being alone. And hoard I do. To keep me company. Because people are too silly to have around. Memories are more beautiful. over the period of time, they go out of focus and you make up things and colours and time to fill in the patches, so that it is tailor made for a certain mood. Laughter, fun, tragedy, pain, smile, people….i move around with them all the time...

Im waiting for the day I get tired of moving on and the day I will want to stay. At one place. Forever.