A Drop Of Elixir ..........

Just enough to last a lifetime or enough to last the lifetime an eternity ...That again is a matter of opinion

Saturday, January 29, 2005

The Mystery Behind...

Unclean rooms and lost possessions.

*hands clapped on ears and eyes squeezed tight* ALRITE SO I CAN NOT BEAR LIVING IN A MESSY ROOM for more than 5 days!!!!!!!(there I said it…n there was no akashwani). Much to the glee and mirth of my folks and the amusement of my maid.

The 2nd day, then the 3rd day…restlessness… fourth day coming back from college…anxiety…FINALLY today couldn’t bear anymore!!! My room was at the zenith of its dirty glory, so much so that even my dog wud jus come in, lick my face, twitch his nose n walk right bak out as against he sittin on my bed and enjoying the luxury of not doing anything…before I lose the link…

My room unlike most of the adolescents has always been spick n span. Thanks to seema my maid. But then today I noticed, things were just where I left them 4 days ago. No wonder I couldn’t seem to write, or read or study; the room was way too messy for my ideas to take shape and my creative juices to flow. Toh I realized Seema wasn’t cleaning my room anymore!!! Apparently, as I learnt today (after I was done replacing my room 2 pristine splendor) that Pappa had told Seema NOT to clean my room so that he could see how long his daughter could live in the self-created Pigsty.

Not long as it happens. It did not take me long to clean the mess on the floor and on the bed (No, no not proud of the fact, kinda sheepish) But then when I opened my cupboard, the drawers the cabinets…no wonder I would never get the Black tee or the bandhni dupatta or the Opal studded thumb-ring!!!! I couldn’t seem to find em coz Seemaji would dump anything remotely textile in my almirah and the rest of the things in the drawers and cabinets. So then I cleaned the drawers and it is amazing how things remain intact if you don’t touch them/use them for more than 6 months!! *wearing the look of marvel AND the ring*

So then my room is all clean and immaculate and my creative juices are also thawing from the sudden artic freeze and here I promise I WILL ALWAYS KEEP MY ROOM CLEAN by myself…*fingers crossed at da back ;-)*

Psst Psst: a "Seema...me tired re....help me a teeny weeny bit naa...." n a puppy dog face can do miracles huh*devilish Grin*

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

MultiFaceted

A daughter, a sis, a friend, a student, an acquaintance, a stranger...
These many and many more. No, not Multiple Personality, but multi-dimensional. more than height, width and depth. But also time and space and people and relationships and work...Nothing out of ordinary, just one among the many people who have so many roles to play. Each one so different from the other. And no role is common. Absodamnlutely nothing is common other than you. But you too assume different shades, different tints with different moods, different hues with different situations. When ever did I say things are simple? We are. Open and free like a book which can be read without a library card. But closed like the clam. No, I am not playing with words. Isn't that how we all are? Being what we are when we want to be.

Multifaceted. All of us. Then why the disguise? Why, I am who I am take me or leave me. Which one of you do we take anyways?? Besides, we all know it matters when people don't choose to take us as we are. Why even bother making people take a stand when we would want people to take a favourable stand. Being uncomplicated. Naah, who am i kidding. It aint easy to even be uncomplicated. Coz Fate won't want it that way. And even if it does...okie admitting-it never does!!

I cry. But when I do so in front of an acquaintance, he/she is surprised. I mean, COME ON NOW!!! when I am overwhelmed, I cry!!! And when I goof up in front of my nani, I get a mighty stern stare....*gaping mouth like a fish* Can't I be anything else than the same ol accha baccha??!!!??

It isn't fun to be one-dimentional. Being expected to play the role you are assigned to is bad enough. Doing it soo perfectly that u are called the ideal kid, student, friend is worse!!!!(so now u see Maa, why I am not da ideal kid like Mrs. D'souza's daughter) It isn't life if there is nothing eventful. A little extra, to remind yourself and others that you are not restricted to just that one character you play. Love, pain, anger, envy, success... people, pets, places, food...clothes, movies, junk jewellery??!!??..... Not living this would be like drinking soda without any fizz, we might as well drink plain water.

Routine.... is for the unimaginative and so is just one cut on the face of the gemstone!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Dear Diary...

This weekend went to meet a guy whom I met online. Thought of doing something about my "Single" status. Took Purva along...and ZOOM went all the tidy plans outta the coffeeshop door. Yes diary, no points for guessing, Purva, with all her sarcasm and witty jokes charmed his pants off :( Yes my dear leather diary, the butt of all her jokes was me...He found her sarcastic and smart...and me he found "cute and funny"*rolling eyes*

Sigh...sarcasm works on guys eh....

CONSOLATION: Free Coffee, free rickshaw ride in the cool evening and pepped up life. No no, Not mine, Purva's!!!! Last I knew, he askd her for her phone no.

Psst Psst: She even posts nasty comments on my blog :(( So then why do i bear her you ask? Coz she does all home assignments on time, and they are all correct...and I spend all my time blogging and filling you up.




Friday, January 21, 2005

Nose Stuck In The Air

And so she walked with her nose stuck in the air...
Little did she know there was a ditch ahead
And even when she fell...
Her nose was still in the air...

Let me tell you people...being arrogant is no small feat. Okie agreed people tag u names like Haughty, Overbearing, Presumptous(took a peek at da dictionary) but then i think that is because they somewhere deep inside are kinda Jealous that you are arrogant and they can't be.

It is elegant. It is charismatic...it is Majestic even. We all know it is attention catching (is that a good thing...now that is a matter of opinion) It can make people be in awe and make you look standoffish. Now being standoffish makes people curious, again that is debatable but anything that can pique a person's curiousity is a good thing according to the author :P. It;s in the way you walk, like you own the whole damned world. The way you talk, like you are the best thing that happened to the "man"kind

My professor said the other day, which stuck and i find it beautiful, " A ballerina can't perform if she is modest" .Now I am not comparing myself with a ballerina. I would if I could, but I can't so I won't. But then I was like..."SO TRUE SO TRUE!!!!"

Being arrogant makes you feel...well...arrogant!! It can come in real handy. Like in trains...when you look at people with that how-dare-you-ask-me-to-shift look, you can be real comfortable all along the train journey. Am I being bitchy?? Ofcourse that too comes with being arrogant. Then again, when there are projects to be done, people don;t ask for your project coz they think you will snap their head off. This helps in keeping your project creative and non-duplicable. (of course if you do a copy-paste job coz you have a 24 hour net connection...then we aren't talkin about originality but hard work :P)
Arrogance can help you bullshit your way thru...this is different from the project thingy, this is the next phase. Like when there are project presentation, and you say something, the audience won;t ask ask you what you spoke about (ofcourse unless they know the answer themselves n ur wrong)

So you see, being arrogant and snobbish has its own virtues. It is not about status. It is about ATTITUDE!!! Some people can't carry it well. But like da lady (that's the word!!! LADY) who fell in the ditch earlier, who has her nose firmly in the air...you must have the attitude to carry it off. I do!! *grin* Or else you end up lookin like a wanna be.

There is a small disadvantage though. For people with a certain kind of disorder (we are talking about Smartasss here), it can make them antagonistic (wrt the audi in da presentation of project mentioned earlier). But the soluton is simple. Cut them down sizes. Brutally!!

So my style mantra...IF you have it flaunt it...if you dont then aah well....."L"!!!!!!!!!

psst psst: no offence intended!!(ofcourse im being formal)

Dying Soul...Surviving Soul

And No... im not suicidal. Yes, the issue resolved. It's the extreme ups and downs a normal human faces.( at least in this part of the world they do )

It is like the walls are closing in. And it is stifling, dying. There is a fledgling attempt to live. To take that little breath of air, to survive. Just this moment, oh please, just this moment…to let my soul live, survive through this phase. To not to die. It is getting increasingly difficult to hold on, to hang in there. The spirit, so weak, so fragile…on the brink, the verge of giving way. It would be so easy. Letting go, succumbing, crumpling. Letting the core just fade into nothingness. Oh so tempting. So very inviting to just be weak. For now, forever. Courage be damned, balls to strength. To wrap around that cold blanket of cowardice. To be one among those beings with broken spirit. Yes, it means being damned as long as you live. Being undead. But the idea is enticing. For one moment of peace, the forever of violence. For one moment of weakness, the forever of self-punishment. For one moment of nirvana, the forever of hell.

Regrets will come. So will remorse. And that shame…of looking in the mirror and not being able to meet my eye. Because I will have let myself down. Let down all those people who love me, have faith in my strength, who take courage from me staying put. And then dying another slow death. That pain, the disappointment in their eyes. That empty look. That blank stare.

It can be worth it isn’t it. This one moment of surrender. Because I can’t hold on. Not anymore. Words are no consolation. Empathy seems like artifice. Why do I have to fight this battle. Why can’t I just accept that I am weak and vulnerable like the million others in the planet.
Then why am I mourning this slow death of my soul. People don’t matter!!! Not meeting myself in the mirror is just an impressive line!! Shame will eventually become paler…and then one day there will be no emotion, just an empty shell. That cant be so bad, right?? There are people living like this everywhere, right?? I don’t have to fight this battle. I am not responsible, accountable to anybody but myself. And I can live with the façade. Yes I can. YES I CAN!!!!

Or can I…???

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Writer's Block

Okie, so its been 3 days since I've updated the blog. And there are loadsa things to write about too. Like my friend "purva" who is always sarcastic...my dog (since my comp is already done :P) mumbai local trains...tons of philosophy...MY fashion statements (i aint ritu berry but wat da heck) what is happening in mumbai presently, what song is topping the charts...my my i sound like Page 3!!!!

But right now...nothing...nothing seems to flow from my mind to the fingertips to the keyboard. *shudders* this uneasiness stems from the constant urge to yak. I am sure, this "writer's block" post will be pretty lengthy by itself. Coz that's the way it always. Even when I can't seem to pen anything...I pen something. People of my gen call it bullshitting your way through. Now look...I didn't say a word which makes sense- i mean actual sense...and here we are on the 13th line. And so I take pride on going on n on n on.....

So i'll stop here(supposed to have writer's block).

Till then. (there the post is done albeit crap but done)

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Letting Go

Alright so this post is in the moment of self pity. Damned the song...it always triggers off the feeling. This--this feeling of not pain exactly, but it definately doesnt make me feel on top of the world. I mean, everywhere I go, im reading about pain and sad songs and well people breaking up all over the place. So I decided, why not put in my sob story too...and NO...i didn't break up exactly...well its a long story (like any 1 i've said has ever been 2 sentences thing...was always bad at preci writing)
Close friends would say I am romanticising the entire thing. Maybe I am too. I agree this aint love. Nope, no matter how much I would want to think that it is...it just isn't. But then why does it hurt so much...why can't I seem to grow out of it, why is that one song, that one guitar pluck enough to make me feel of him...think of him. And he was just a friend for God's sake!!!
Yeah now next comes the "it is coz u dont want to...."lecture...yeah i suppose I just don't want to. I don't want to let the feeling fade away. Still hoping he will come back, say he is sorry ( we were just good friends huh) and that he missed talking to me...secretly hoping he would read this post. Sigh...too much to ask

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Broken Sandals and Mumbai Trains...

I know you will ask...so why wear them when they slip and you lose them...
*sniff* n they were so pretty!!! with the silver rhinestones types stones studded...and no I didn't lose them.
it all happened today...not for the first time lemme tell you. But then I can't stop commuting by Trains just coz Sandals break and slip ons slip off and sneakers get pulled out of your feet (yeah it happens...travel by the Ladies Compartments anytime between 7 in the morn to 11 in the noon-yep first class too!!!)
okie...back to the topic.
So what happened was...we had PPTs (Pre Placement Talks for people who ...thinking of a barbed comment...) and obviously we have to wear formals...so i decided on wearing a pretty PINK(ye ye yeah!!! PINK!!!!) salwaar kameez. And I have this pair of PINK again...( it was co incidental i swear on FB) rhinestone studded sandals which went totally with the ensemble. And when I was getting down at Andheri (thats like the most crowded station any time of the day--this again for people who don't know but if you don't know even this...then I can tell...u have NO GENERAL KNOWLEDGE!!!!)
so when I was getting down at Andheri station there was this lady standing right in the middle of the way (me thinks of dedicating a post on the finer aspects of MUMBAI LOCAL TRAINS so that would prevent me from explaining all the NO-NOs in the trains) my sandal ka heel broke. yeah!!!
And I didnt know what to do. And then there was this bridge i needed to climb. Now i couldn't remove my sandals right...and I couldn't buy any because it was 8 in the morning. So I slowly climbed the bridge which was an ordeal...2"heeled sandal one one foot and a flat sandal on the other. Forget the limp...(getting into the intricacies of the design of the sandal...)BOTTOMLINE : It really hurt. The 5 minute climb. And the crowd was not helping either.
So then I caught a rickshaw to my college and sat pondering about what is to be done. And then the brain wave hit. AND...I pulled out the other heel(the 2" wooden block stuck to the sandal)*gloating on the ingenious idea*
Now it was okie...though a little uncomfy. But i sailed through. And the PPT wasn't bad either.

Psst Psst: in case you ever lose one of your sandals or shoes getting into the train...please be kind and drop the other one on the platform or in the nearby vicinity. It helps the ragpickers.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Being One Month Old!!!!

Hey people…I turned one month old…my BLOG turned one month old. And this one month has been super cool. And what this one month has taught me is…time sure moves veryyy fast. I didn’t even realize it was a month already.
Writing has always been easy. Expressing thoughts and verbalizing emotions. But this is a different kind of expression. One im getting addicted to. I admit blogging Is addictive…as is books and internet and gymming and telephone and people...

One successful month and at the end of it I don’t even need to coerce my friends to check out my blog * sheepish grin*

Okie…so here is the speech…
“I * sniff* am so glad to receive the honour of completing my one…yes people…ONE whole month of BLOGGING!!! *sob *And I will want to share this unforgettable moment with my maa *grin and a wave * who will be proud of the fact that her attention-deficit daughter could stick to one thing for one whole month!!! Mrs. Jose, my English teacher whose lessons in Grammar and Sentence construction has now come in handy and ofcourse BSNL for the wonderfully disgusting internet connection that I am stuck with. And who can forget FB….blah…. blah ….. and finally I too want WORLD PEACE!!!!( just saw miss congeniality)

alrite people, jokes apart, this has been real fun. Here’s to more blogging…!!!!

Cheers

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Guys and Pink

wow...some of the most vehement responses i have got thankz to this blog of mine...But no, before you people misunderstand me...it isnt for my killer writing or my deep as still waters ideas :P but for the colour of my blog template.
"What is that colour???!!!????"
"ur blog is soo...sooo....PINK"(a constipated look along with it)
"YUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!"
"yeah ur a gurl...so Pink is justifiable on your blog i suppose"(this was rakesh one of the more subdued reactions to the PINKNESS of my blog)

Now now guys...let me tell ya...my fav colour has always been shades of red...i read someplace RED is equated to PASSION(cocking one eyebrow and a lopsided grin). okie truth be told. I had a purple font on my yahoo messenger...and then there were people who would ask me "Are you a male or a female??" coz i always have had neutral profiles n ids...now THAT really rankled...( apparently me having an issue with it is still not dead and buried. I realise that now)

And no...my blog template ka colour has nothing to do with the messenger issue (SO WHY IN HELL AM I EVEN JUSTIFYING!!!!?????)

well people...Pink as it happens as someone told me recently is the colour of love and caring nature ( you believe that and...and....well...you are a sucker) And I dont expect all my guy friends to fall in love with my blog template...now my blog by itself is a different matter altogether.:P :P

I love pink.Period!!

Psst Psst: A guy in a pink pull-over can look real hot. Or maybe the guy I saw was gay coz as my bro pointed out" no guy in his right mind or umm right sexual prefernce would be even seen dead with THAT pullover on" (it was candy pink) But was real cute sight...sigh!!!!


Friday, January 07, 2005

Microsoft and Blogging

Fortune Magazine says the TOP 10 TRENDS is BLOGGING...an excerpt:
"Early in the evening of Dec. 1, Microsoft revealed that it planned to take over the world of blogs—the five-million-plus web journals that have exploded on the Internet in the past few years. The company's weapon would be a new service called MSN Spaces, online software that allows people to easily create and maintain blogs. It didn't take long for the blogging world to do what it does best: swarm around a new piece of information; push, prod, and poke at it; and leave it either stronger or a bloody mess. The next day, at the widely read Boing Boing blog, co-editor Xeni Jardin opted to do the latter.
She titled her critique of MSN Spaces "7 Dirty Blogs" and hilariously sent up the fickle censoring filters Microsoft appeared to have built in. MSN Spaces prohibited her from starting a blog called Pornography and the Law or another entitled Corporate Whore Chronicles; yet World of Poop passed, as did the educational Smoking Crack: A How-To Guide for Teens. Within the first hour of Jardin's post, five blogs had linked to it, including the site of widely read San Jose Mercury News columnist Dan Gillmor. By the end of the day there were dozens of blogs pointing readers to "7 Dirty Blogs," a proliferation of links that over the next few weeks topped 300. There were Italian blogs and Chinese blogs and blogs in Greek, German, and Portuguese. There were blogs with names like Tie-Dyed Brain Waves, Stubborn Like a Mule, and LibertyBlog. Each added its own tweak. "Ooooh, that's what I want: a blog that doesn't allow me to speak my mind," wrote a blogger called Kung Pow Pig. The conversation had clearly gotten out of Microsoft's hands."

Later its getting techie and statistical but is fun....
Further Reading ke liye :http://www.fortune.com/fortune/print/0,15935,1011763,00.html

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Frozen Beauty...

I have this insane urge to shake you till your insides rattle!!! Hit you till you understand. Kick you…slap you. Drum some sense in you. Make you realize. I get so disgusted with you; I feel…I feel like just picking you up and banging you against the wall. And then I am shocked at the violence I am capable of. The kind of hostility you can evoke in me. And then I look at you. Your sheer beauty. The perfection. And oh just 6 years old!! (she turned 6 last December 19th Dec ’04) But such a lady…so poised…so collected…
I can’t blame her you know. She is mute. Can't talk, can't articulate. And I think it is one of the most terrible things to happen to even your worse enemy!!! She is soooo innocent. Sitting quiet all day...so silent...so cold. At times it sends chills through me.... Absolutely no feelings. NOTHING!!!?? Just the hard exterior covering the hideously slow insides. I somehow could never get the hang of what makes her tick or work. And she has always remained a mystery to even my compwalla.
Yes people the cause of my distress and yours on occasion...I present to you my pain, my joy, my addiction...FROZEN BEAUTY...MY COMP!!! This is the third time I am rebooting her. Have called her all the names under the sun. But her calm amazes me. It just surprises me-her patience, her composure. Or I suppse she gets back to me by just freezing. Hanging right in the middle of me doing something verryyyy important. Now look…I am disconnected from the internet. Now the techies will tell me it isn’t FB (Frozen Beauty) but something else like my internet –now lets just not get into that or I will just break down and weep.
But I refuse to listen to reason. That FB is growing old and I need to put her to rest. People have told me, “Shipra its time for a revival…an upgrade. And finally I decided yes it was time to upgrade. But then the cruel blow of destiny and my papa decided to get another computer. BABE—we call her. Oh yeah, she is sleek and smart and fast and oh so professional…I was telling a friend the other day…and my poor FB cant just stand the comparison. Not that I am comparing lemme tell you. FB is homey just blending in with the surroundings…the mess of my room—I told my friend.
And then I realized…doesn’t matter I have to reboot her 5 times a day. She eats up my most important documents. She can’t bear the load the pressure, the grind I put her through. But her grit, her determination amazes me. My compwalla’s hands are not tender. And he opens her so brutally( NO PUN) and she bears it all. My FB. I admire her fighting spirit. Her “never-say-die” attitude. Her gumption, her guts. Living in the same household as BABE isn’t easy. Babe is egoistic when my FB is altruistic. Babe is coldly efficient when my FB wheezes and sneezes. But then I love her…I love u FB!!!So next time people…before cursing FB…remember she will get back at you by not sending your messages at all. She might be innocent and homey but she has to survive and survive she does…SURVIVE SHE DOES!!!!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Why was Cupid A Boy

One of my favs by Blake
Why was Cupid a boy,
And why a boy was he?
He should have been a girl,
For aught that I can see.

For he shoots with his bow,
And the girl shoots with her eye,
And they both are merry and glad,
And laugh when we do cry.

And to make Cupid a boy
Was the Cupid girl's mocking plan;
For a boy can't interpret the thing
Till he is become a man.

And then he's so pierc'd with cares,
And wounded with arrowy smarts,
That the whole business of his life
Is to pick out the heads of the darts.

'Twas the Greeks' love of war
Turn'd Love into a boy,
And woman into a statue of stone--
And away fled every joy.
William Blake