Craving Peace

I am starting to crave peace.

Sthirata they call in Sanskrit – stillness, steadiness, centeredness, stability, composure, gravitas.

The way I was, the way I am, one would never think I would search for peace, for quiet, for steadiness, for fulfilment.

But here I am. Wanting to find higher purpose, fulfilment in life. This is not to say I don’t want success, prosperity and excellence in life. This is not to say I am not materialistic anymore or do not want the glitzy and glittery. It just means that I want balance. I want the thrill of a success and awareness to stand grounded. I want the pride of excellence but the composure to handle it. I want to become a bigger person, a better person and importantly more contented person.

I don’t find joy or fulfilment in shopping anymore. Not that I don’t go mall hopping, but I leave each store with increasing disgruntlement. There are plenty of good things, pretty things to have and to buy. Is it that I am not finding them attractive anymore? Have my standards become loftier or I have just peaked out with respect to shopping – I don’t know. Maybe introspection is required.

During work, off work, I am marvelled at my wisdom, insight. I am into work that is highly people intensive. Wisdom and insight creeps up on you when you least expect it or maybe we just imbibe it without realising it. My husband highly believes in implicit learning, I think I am starting to see merits in it.

Now depending on how many read this page anymore, I might get comments saying – hey its part of growing up or you will grow out of it or worse – its just a phase… Am I looking at explanation of my state of mind? No. Understanding? I don’t think so. Condescending acceptance (statements like - hey its ok)? Heck No. I just am, am just being. And in the process looking for and discovering answers for myself.

Coming back to peace. Maybe its overrated. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it will work for me, maybe it won’t. But I suspect the journey will be exhilarating. Come to think of it, I am being increasingly impatient as well. Want things just the right way. Most often than not, my way. Somehow it’s the proverbial penny that has dropped. I refuse to accept status quo. I refuse to accept tardiness – especially my own. I refuse to have life pass me by and me being a mute spectator. There is something that is different, something that is refreshingly different happening here. And I am loving it.

It is like being doped. The awareness is just so high! I sometimes fear am I really so evolved? Or is it just a phase? If it’s not a phase, will I peak out in a couple of years? Or will I reach self actualization? Am off and on reading “Many minds, many masters” Have heard mixed feedback/ reviews on it. Its about this lady and her shrink’s journey of her past lives (that’s where I have reached so far) and some of it is making sense – the knowledge, the awareness, the certainty with which I believe in some of the philosophical and theological concepts. The fact that i just know what I am supposed to be, supposed to do. I just know.

It is almost like my purpose in life is to live the journey, to experience the living itself. And live it to the hilt. So that each moment is like orgasming - mindblowing yet so calming.

*deep breath* Too much happening here.

But this is it for now.

And welcome back me to this space again.