A Drop Of Elixir ..........

Just enough to last a lifetime or enough to last the lifetime an eternity ...That again is a matter of opinion

Thursday, February 10, 2005

A Clean Slate

There are times when you just want to curl up and cry. Mourn. There is no problem really. But it scares you that there is nothing. If you scratch beneath the surface all there is, is a void. And a cold void. Empty space. Which does not console. Which is harsh. Which pokes u in the eye and says, “LOOK!!! Look at you. Who are u really?” There is darkness. And you are not sure if you have ur eyes open or shut. There is no difference anyways.

You want some thing close to you. A clean slate. Someone who isn’t judgmental. Sumthing like the scene in 50 First Dates. But then it scares you. You can not trust TRUST for what it is. You can not trust LOVE for what it is. Its way too frivolous. It is definitely not for you. Skeptical. Suspicious. Of the emotion. Of the person offering it. If he was faking u will never know. If he is genuine, you can never know. He cant even prove his love. You are not sure if you want him to. You will be under obligation then?? To love him back. And that you can not do. Can’t love anybody but you. Not because you cant but because u don’t want to. Are you self centered?? Yes. And you want to be so. Coz its convenient, coz u don’t have to think bout others. Though u know others cant be like that. And it is because of the knowledge that you can be who you are right now. Can afford to be so right now.

You are in a cocoon. Like you are living in a tower. Built by urself. And it is kinda strange. You see, you perceive but yet it isn’t happening to you. Because you don’t feel. Its like you are living, yet you aren’t. Like the inner you is outta ur body floating. Seeing, looking…watching. You have that smile on your face. That twinkle in your eye. Yet you are detached. Aloof. How well you act. But then it isn’t an act either. You are living in the moment. Yet you feel so empty after its done. It is like the curtain closing and you are back to being a non descript entity who is changing faces every new play. Every new scene. So much charade in the air…it becomes oppressing. Difficult to breathe. Two timing…two faced. Multiface. But then isn’t that what you are too? A new garb, a new look a brand new costume for a brand new character.

And are you even true to yourself? Do you speak the truth? Will you admit that it is over and move on? Tell yourself that no matter how much you pretend, everything is not hunkydory in your life. And just coz you don't want to see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It is there. Rotting and festering...waiting...till one day when the stench is so strong, you just can't ignore it anymore. What then?? The least you can do is stop ignoring... Because it won't go away. It still will haunt you at night. Wake you up in cold sweat. Sneak up on you when you least expect it. When you are sure it isnt there anymore.

It is kinda confusing. Knowing what you want. Knowing what you are. Knowing what you begin with and how it is going to end. Confusing and scary. Scary coz you don’t have the control. No matter what you say, deep down you know it isn’t you who is holding the reins. And you are vulnerable. Defenseless. And there is nothing you can do but just sail along…flow along…hoping and praying that there will be an uprooted tree to which you can hang on to. For the moment…For dear life…

28 Comments:

  • At February 10, 2005 8:13 PM, Blogger Born Too Soon said…

    Life is all about cocooning yourself........ and after you die too...the cocoon is still there all around you....

    Without doubt.......life is confusing....and by the time you get some idea of it.....its already...UP..

     
  • At February 10, 2005 8:16 PM, Blogger manuscrypts said…

    a life outside yourself??

     
  • At February 10, 2005 8:36 PM, Blogger rapunzel said…

    i am DMS-ing.whats your reason??:-O*sigh* it gets a wee bit easier as the days go by...it does...but on days like DMS, when you are most vulnerable, it still takes you by surprise.the bitch.

     
  • At February 10, 2005 9:13 PM, Blogger Phal said…

    you have no idea how many times i wished for a clean slate...of course, most times it was because the foot could not be extracted from the mouth in time, but never mind. tho, i have to ask, like Rapunzel, are you D or P MSing???

     
  • At February 11, 2005 6:44 AM, Blogger Ad astra per aspera said…

    I can't begin to tell you how much I can relate to the things you said, the emptiness is frightening. Scratching the surface is futile as you are not very sure if there is anything within at all. *sigh...Oh!!! for a clean slate....

     
  • At February 11, 2005 6:50 AM, Blogger livinghigh said…

    may u have all the clean slates u need in life! there u go - have stopped being mean (only for the moment) and made a genuinely nice wish for ya! ;-) tc.

     
  • At February 11, 2005 7:03 AM, Blogger Elixir said…

    BTS: hmm yeah…true maybe. But then im not sure if I wanna live like this and die like this too. It is suffocating at times. This cocoon, this shelter. There is this immense need…sigh…if I just knew wat is that I want…..

    Manuscrypts: amazing aint it…I continue to surprise myself…but yeah…life outside myself…n trust me manu it aint a pretty picture * there justified my self involvedness*

     
  • At February 11, 2005 7:05 AM, Blogger Elixir said…

    Princess:*smiles* naah im not D or PMSing…its jus a random thought which surfaced at 6 30 in the morning. No actually it aint all that random, just never been consciously reflected on…but then it isn’t an encompassing thought either. I don’t feel that every moment…just days when im alone…scared…at 7 in da morn…im sure its got something to do with the moon…yep sure it’s a lunar thing.

    Phal: yeah I kno wat u talking bout!!! N trust me, when I open my mouth, it is only to change da foot… and I soo whish Ramayana repeat itself and Mother Earth gobble me into her depths because there is no other misery than making a fool of your self…and repeatedly so.

     
  • At February 11, 2005 7:14 AM, Blogger Elixir said…

    Ad astra: yes. *smiles* yes I know you do. I do too, relate to what Princess talks about. More often than not. About being alone, bout not finding a place for yourself. But then, the mask slides over again. And m bak to being goofy…but then im not sure if i can live a dual life and not crack…or is it even a dual life??!!!
    Yah….i need a clean slate…everyday…every moment…

    Rahul: awwww….aren’t you the sweetest thing when you are needed to be.*hugs* even though it is just for the moment…ur sensitivity!!!! *hugs again jus coz she is sooo glad AND surprised*

     
  • At February 11, 2005 8:59 AM, Blogger Primalsoup said…

    Very nice post, eerrily similar to thoughts that have crossed my mind :)
    I think if there were no such thing as *Hindsight* we would have been so much happier! :)

     
  • At February 11, 2005 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    its not a dual life,its u against u against u!!and im starting to believe its true for all of us and the days u realise it u r questioning urself or atleast one aspect of u......and on others u r wat all see u to be,another aspect of u.
    well theres some philosophy for you,btw cool blog.
    i'm divya....and god, i agree filter coffee(especially that mom makes)is gr8...
    u take care...
    love,divs

     
  • At February 11, 2005 1:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wonderfully exprssed Elixir.
    --Ph

     
  • At February 11, 2005 10:14 PM, Blogger El Diabl020 said…

    hi there..
    Well... as far as early morning thinking goes,..... understandable..

    Purpose, life, trust, meaning.. .. ahhaha.. stuff... gotta love it.
    You ponder for one stretched moment, and then right dive back into reality.
    ..
    As to our cocoons,.. our personal towers.. well.. step out of ure cocoon u lil stinky catepillar.......

    ...
    Time for Rupanzel to let down her hair, yes?

     
  • At February 11, 2005 10:17 PM, Blogger El Diabl020 said…

    Btw..?/// IMTP???

    Your doing BMS? 3rd yr..?
    i thought u were in engineering for some reason.

     
  • At February 12, 2005 12:44 AM, Blogger Elixir said…

    Primal Soup: :) true

    Divs: hey u...
    u againt tu againt u...yep. An inner battle.
    As far as filter coffee goes...oh God yeah!! it is great.
    Do Visit again

     
  • At February 12, 2005 12:56 AM, Blogger Elixir said…

    Ph: thank u

    Diab: yeah...a moment of introspection n then again reliving reality
    And bout my cocoon...ilike i told manuscrypts...i like my cozy lil world better. Its jus more pretty :P

    Yeah me doin Bachelors in managing shit...no wonder im this good at all da bovine manure management... no engineering stuff 4 me...!!!

     
  • At February 12, 2005 6:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elixir,
    You in a tower too????
    -Main Kaun Hoon?

     
  • At February 12, 2005 7:11 AM, Blogger Prashant said…

    have been wishing for the past few months that I had no memory... a clean slate... :).. but it doesnt work out that way I guess...

     
  • At February 12, 2005 3:42 PM, Blogger Elixir said…

    MKH: r u being sarcastic??

    Prashant: :) but im not sure bout having absodamnlutely no memory. Then id not remember the happy moments, those times when ive been on top of the world...
    But i sure hope that da days to come treat u better and that u dont have to wanna erase memories *hugs*

     
  • At February 12, 2005 7:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    it is the happy and the sad moments that make life. And it is the carefree and contemplative nature that makes a man OR a woman in this case.
    Very lovely post.

    -Tasneem

     
  • At February 12, 2005 11:21 PM, Blogger El Diabl020 said…

    aha!./. I'm doing my BMs too...
    which college?..

    ahh.. or do we stay anonymous online?
    either way.. I have been bunking IMTP for a few weeks now.. I have no ethics,, not interested in them.

     
  • At February 13, 2005 8:46 PM, Blogger rapunzel said…

    Lunar?!?!?!?u a crab, elixir??

     
  • At February 13, 2005 8:54 PM, Blogger manuscrypts said…

    hey, happy v-day :)

     
  • At February 13, 2005 10:05 PM, Blogger The Cure said…

    I know what you're talking about. I started a blog site almost completly dedicated to it. I call it searching for the cure to the common life. Seems like all of us know deep inside that just plain life ain't enough. The problem is desire, we can't settle for plain life because we can't seem to get ride of desire. But then, even if we could would we really want to. It is life while at the same time it is death. If only it were as easy as knowing what we wanted. I am tierd of the world telling me to fall into line. I am tierd of trying to cacoon myself from the world.
    I really like your paragraph on being true to yourself. That whole thing about trying to pretend. So many times people just try to fall into line, be a poser, say everything is Ok because that makes you normal and easier to be around.
    Anyway I wanted to encourage you to keep looking. There is an answer out there I believe. I liked you blog so much I wanted to add a link to my page for it if it is ok with you.

     
  • At February 14, 2005 4:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ey shippo!!

    me bak!! ....thanx 4 missing me!!
    don't worry..will pull u down frm that "higher plane" u "sailing in"!!

    -pu.la. (the uprooted tree!!....lolz)

     
  • At February 14, 2005 6:10 AM, Anonymous Phal said…

    hey purv, where you had gone?

    elli, i see a bottle there. never saw it before on the profile...who where how why? am i semi blind?

     
  • At March 17, 2007 5:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Where did you find it? Interesting read film editing schools

     
  • At April 23, 2007 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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