A Clean Slate

There are times when you just want to curl up and cry. Mourn. There is no problem really. But it scares you that there is nothing. If you scratch beneath the surface all there is, is a void. And a cold void. Empty space. Which does not console. Which is harsh. Which pokes u in the eye and says, “LOOK!!! Look at you. Who are u really?” There is darkness. And you are not sure if you have ur eyes open or shut. There is no difference anyways.

You want some thing close to you. A clean slate. Someone who isn’t judgmental. Sumthing like the scene in 50 First Dates. But then it scares you. You can not trust TRUST for what it is. You can not trust LOVE for what it is. Its way too frivolous. It is definitely not for you. Skeptical. Suspicious. Of the emotion. Of the person offering it. If he was faking u will never know. If he is genuine, you can never know. He cant even prove his love. You are not sure if you want him to. You will be under obligation then?? To love him back. And that you can not do. Can’t love anybody but you. Not because you cant but because u don’t want to. Are you self centered?? Yes. And you want to be so. Coz its convenient, coz u don’t have to think bout others. Though u know others cant be like that. And it is because of the knowledge that you can be who you are right now. Can afford to be so right now.

You are in a cocoon. Like you are living in a tower. Built by urself. And it is kinda strange. You see, you perceive but yet it isn’t happening to you. Because you don’t feel. Its like you are living, yet you aren’t. Like the inner you is outta ur body floating. Seeing, looking…watching. You have that smile on your face. That twinkle in your eye. Yet you are detached. Aloof. How well you act. But then it isn’t an act either. You are living in the moment. Yet you feel so empty after its done. It is like the curtain closing and you are back to being a non descript entity who is changing faces every new play. Every new scene. So much charade in the air…it becomes oppressing. Difficult to breathe. Two timing…two faced. Multiface. But then isn’t that what you are too? A new garb, a new look a brand new costume for a brand new character.

And are you even true to yourself? Do you speak the truth? Will you admit that it is over and move on? Tell yourself that no matter how much you pretend, everything is not hunkydory in your life. And just coz you don't want to see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It is there. Rotting and festering...waiting...till one day when the stench is so strong, you just can't ignore it anymore. What then?? The least you can do is stop ignoring... Because it won't go away. It still will haunt you at night. Wake you up in cold sweat. Sneak up on you when you least expect it. When you are sure it isnt there anymore.

It is kinda confusing. Knowing what you want. Knowing what you are. Knowing what you begin with and how it is going to end. Confusing and scary. Scary coz you don’t have the control. No matter what you say, deep down you know it isn’t you who is holding the reins. And you are vulnerable. Defenseless. And there is nothing you can do but just sail along…flow along…hoping and praying that there will be an uprooted tree to which you can hang on to. For the moment…For dear life…