Falling...

Have you ever felt like you are invincible, the world is at your feet, you can do no wrong and then...

BAM!

suddenly your world comes crashing down and you realise that it is really hard to come back up!

Something like that happened to me a few weeks ago...

Let's just say I have a new respect to people who are able to get up after they fall.

Year End Musings

Getting back to writing and making it a discipline can be a bit of effort. Especially when one has been out of touch from reading or writing since a long time.

I have always been a big fan of implicit learning, so I safely presume if I spend enough time and energy and dedication - i should be back to being at ease with writing. Why do I need to do it again you might ask. Because I am thinking it's time to get back to the more literary side of me. Is that a year end resolution? Not really - i have been making efforts towards it in the last few weeks.

In my profession - I am in Human Resources function, everyone is enamoured with Development Plans. Because we HR folks believe in the concept of conscious and intentional evolution  - being very intentional about how one wants to grow.

So my personal development plans are as follows:
1) Be more organised and planned. Delegate when possible.
2) Be more empathetic.
3) Deliver as committed.
4) Continue to do forward looking thinking - about what next.
5) Do more cerebral stuff.
6) Develop more leadership qualities.

It will require very conscious efforts from my side to manage the above development plans and a at least 15 more additional activities that i would like to enhance - but that will defeat the no. 3 in the above list...

Coming year will be exciting - I shall use this space to keep myself honest about my development plans. Let's see...

In the meantime - Happy New Year 2018 and may you get what your hearts desire!!

To next phase...

There comes a stage in life when we reminisce about days gone by... Happy times, exciting times, peaceful times...? And just a memory, song, place, name brings them flooding back. For some the reminiscing comes early, some late.

Am i reminiscing? lol, not generally. But over the time I sit to write, I seem to be stuck in a timezone which is 10 years back. You would think the last 10 years haven't been special. I dont know if I am trying to convince this space or myself.

No worries. Whats felt is felt... done is done.

A wise person told me "dont think of starting things anew, think of being in the next phase... the inertia of starting will be lesser..." And truer words have not been spoken.

So here's to the next phase...

Hmmm...

So... one always needs something to nudge them along.
And I needed a brand new mac to resume blogging.

I dont know if people use blogger anymore, well... given that i am posting right now should mean its still around - whether its thriving... only time will tell.

When i first started blogging, it took me almost a month of continuous writing to get in the groove of writing... it started with inane stuff. And this time around, i dont see why it will be any different. But persistence is the key. And i want to persist on this one. Not for any other reason but to be so much more aware (strike out aware) alert is more like it.
Alert to my surroundings, opportunities, things that are going on or off as the case maybe.

Why be alert? To up my game. I have always been a big fan of implicit learning. And to say it has served me well these last 30 years. (yes! i am now in the BIG THREE O team! Ten years older than when i first blogged) I have very recently learned - implicitly of course, that this will take me only so far. And that to accelerate what i am already good at, i will need to feed the learning with a lot more external matter for my learnings to take shape, for my beliefs to be more rooted and my thinking a lot more sharper.

Hence comes the birthday gift from my dearest husband. the spanking new macbook pro.

I had taken up blogging for two reasons - one, i loved how Sudhish Kamath used to write - "used to" because i had taken a hiatus from blogging and reading other blogs. And two, i was going through a really rebellious phase back then in the early 2000s and needed a place where i had my space and would be unequivocally accepted no matter how ridiculous or radical my ideas were. Turned out i was not as radical as i had hoped or wished to be. Today i am back to blogging because one, i really need to justify the constant whining for a new laptop and because after so many years of doing everything and nothing, i want to go back a few years, do things i used to love doing which I happen to have lost focus on these past years.

These last few years have been a little drifty - (is that a word?) Good drifty. Got settled in marriage, found myself a good job, building on my career, lost a loved one, distanced from close friends, adopting at least 6 cats through the years. Living life exactly the way i wanted... Retrospectively, life doesn't feel drifty, feels like i have been unconsciously laying a solid foundation for a life ahead with the person i am meant to spend the rest of my life with. But did i achieve something ground breaking? No. Was i meant to? I dont know. I am increasingly becoming more aware that childhood with its annual exams every summer felt a lot more meaningful, like there was a more tangible and incremental progress in life. Now it feels like one month flowing into the other, years going by with a few blips here and there.

I am thankful for the fact that the blips are few and far between. Am blessed that way.

But now I feel ready to take on much more, bring back the tangible incremental progress. Make more noise while moving through life. And this blog is one of the many "Resume" i am making. Why resume and not start? That story is for another day.

Till that time... let this post float in the infinite space of the world wide web shrouded in anonymity till i find my anchor yet again...

Craving Peace

I am starting to crave peace.

Sthirata they call in Sanskrit – stillness, steadiness, centeredness, stability, composure, gravitas.

The way I was, the way I am, one would never think I would search for peace, for quiet, for steadiness, for fulfilment.

But here I am. Wanting to find higher purpose, fulfilment in life. This is not to say I don’t want success, prosperity and excellence in life. This is not to say I am not materialistic anymore or do not want the glitzy and glittery. It just means that I want balance. I want the thrill of a success and awareness to stand grounded. I want the pride of excellence but the composure to handle it. I want to become a bigger person, a better person and importantly more contented person.

I don’t find joy or fulfilment in shopping anymore. Not that I don’t go mall hopping, but I leave each store with increasing disgruntlement. There are plenty of good things, pretty things to have and to buy. Is it that I am not finding them attractive anymore? Have my standards become loftier or I have just peaked out with respect to shopping – I don’t know. Maybe introspection is required.

During work, off work, I am marvelled at my wisdom, insight. I am into work that is highly people intensive. Wisdom and insight creeps up on you when you least expect it or maybe we just imbibe it without realising it. My husband highly believes in implicit learning, I think I am starting to see merits in it.

Now depending on how many read this page anymore, I might get comments saying – hey its part of growing up or you will grow out of it or worse – its just a phase… Am I looking at explanation of my state of mind? No. Understanding? I don’t think so. Condescending acceptance (statements like - hey its ok)? Heck No. I just am, am just being. And in the process looking for and discovering answers for myself.

Coming back to peace. Maybe its overrated. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it will work for me, maybe it won’t. But I suspect the journey will be exhilarating. Come to think of it, I am being increasingly impatient as well. Want things just the right way. Most often than not, my way. Somehow it’s the proverbial penny that has dropped. I refuse to accept status quo. I refuse to accept tardiness – especially my own. I refuse to have life pass me by and me being a mute spectator. There is something that is different, something that is refreshingly different happening here. And I am loving it.

It is like being doped. The awareness is just so high! I sometimes fear am I really so evolved? Or is it just a phase? If it’s not a phase, will I peak out in a couple of years? Or will I reach self actualization? Am off and on reading “Many minds, many masters” Have heard mixed feedback/ reviews on it. Its about this lady and her shrink’s journey of her past lives (that’s where I have reached so far) and some of it is making sense – the knowledge, the awareness, the certainty with which I believe in some of the philosophical and theological concepts. The fact that i just know what I am supposed to be, supposed to do. I just know.

It is almost like my purpose in life is to live the journey, to experience the living itself. And live it to the hilt. So that each moment is like orgasming - mindblowing yet so calming.

*deep breath* Too much happening here.

But this is it for now.

And welcome back me to this space again.

Stand by me...

I aint starting with how long, how much, how far, how many, how many not... un huh! Nope...

Taking baby steps. Dildaara playing... loudly. Contented. Smiling.
Happy. Universe right side up.

Gonna make khichdi in sometime. Comfort food.
Hope everyone is happy, content or atleast at peace right now. during some rare, really rare moments, I feel I can make everything alright in the world. How much does it take anyway. A little prayer, a wide smile, a hug parhaps and everyone will be bright eyed, shiny nosed, springy steps

No, not gone bonkers, just plain content... bought a new desktop today :D
No laptop or blackberry can do what a good ol screen and keyboard can do, make me want to write my heart out on this little pink and brown page. Now playing, Senorita - zindagi na milegi dobara.
Hindi song fan. Wondering if all the gagas and beyonces can make your feet tap while dangling six inches from ground. I am sitting on a chair if you are wondering. Feeling silly now. The song has that effect on me. Dancing now, good and proper, legs jiggling, fingers snapping, shoulders - well whatever it is that you do with the shoulders while dancing.
Chammak Challo now...

:D Publishing before i lose my nerve

Scared!

2 years...
This blog has been dead for two years...
Ive been out of writing for two years...
And the world has changed for me in these two years....

Ive moved to another city which I now call home.
When asked how does Bangalore compare to Bomay, I give a whimsical smile...
I have been married for a good part of these two years...
I thought I had long killed and buried this aspect of my life.
But tonight is different. And should I thank Blogger to keep this thread of sanity or insanity (whatever I feel at a given moment) alive for two years...!

Anyways.. tonnes to talk about, about these two years of hiatus- self imposed...? Well thats for another post, if ever.
I cant sleep tonight. Its 2 in the night, and I cant sleep.
Not that I have been a die hard fan of early to bed... blah but tonight is different.
I am scared... scared of losing what I have. More importantly scared of death. Not mine, ofcourse not, but people I love, people I cant imagine living without...!!
Is anybody ill in my family? No.
Has anything untoward happened recently? Other than losing 2 cats in a span of 4 months.. no.
Can it be those God-awful programmes coming on Indian television these days? Maybe.
But shouldnt I have more sense than be carried away by the nonsense dished out for braindead audience? Perhaps...

What is it?????
Its that bonedeep chill... that sense of foreboding that prevails dead in the night. Its a beautiful winter night here in Bangalore. Clear sky I can gaze at from my window - a privilage very few have in the metro cities... I have the love of my life snoring rhythmically next to me on the warm bed, I couldnt ask for more, could I?

Yes I could, and I am!
Im asking for certainty. Certainty that nothing will rock my boat. Nothing will jinx my life at this moment. I feel so fragile. Will cuddling help? will consoling help? Do I sound insane?!!????
Too many questions and no solace in writing.. its like each thread unravels thousands of tiny threadlets. Too scared to even think those out aloud. I wonder if everyone sleeping right this moment is sleeping peacefully, at having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world? (DISGUSTED!) Or are people simply pretending to be jolly fellows trying to hide their own fears and apprehensions.

I dont think I want fake assurances right now.
I want to let my fear fester. Feed on the darkness of the night and the cold outside.
I want to cry for the hopelessness I feel, for the dread the morning might bring.

And then sleep.
At having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world.

Dead Blog...

My Blog is dead.... my lovely blog is sooo dead!!
And so is FB and my friendship and may be just maybe my relationship with my fiance.

Maybe i like it this way. I always knew i had a streak of masochism in me... self pity gives me a kick like no grass can- not like ive never smoked grass (one of the many things i dont think ill ever do - i somehow link it to somekinda cool quotient) anyway!

Why am i blogging again...? I have no idea.
How long will the posts continue... Absolutely no idea...
An even basic question... will this post be published... "dont know dont know dont know..."

That seems to be my funda in life these days... Clueless

You might think ive had a fight with my guy. No, all this venting is BECAUSE i didnt fight with him. And good thing too. He accused me of having a problem if he has good health.
Lack of sleep, talking late in the night makes him catch cold, run a fever, have blood shot eyes.
And all the above keeps me just dandy... (being sarcastic jus in case my writing has lost touch)

Am i mad at him?? OH NO!!! I WOULDNT DARE!!!! coz that will lead to a fight, him apologising for not being able to give me enough time... same ol story.... so im being miss-g00dy-two-shoes which suits him fine, he can catch up on sleep, work, his folks,friends, his space and his time *someday i should write bout him...*

I dont know why am i ranting like a love starved puppy... coz i arent.
I just miss me... my friends... what I had with mr. fantasticonceuponatime
I miss this space.... and i miss all those who would read, sympathise, empathise or jus comment for the heck of it...

Its been so long... so darned long.... so long since ive been myself...
And i ve changed - and its too late to contemplate if its for the better or worse...
knowing me its the later.

This pink and brown space has been my mecca. My space... mine MINE!!!!!

You know after working in a corporate, where short forms are not allowed (your version of words that i.e) after being with a guy whos just too superior for you to ever catch up, firends who over a period of time have drifted apart and a million other firefighting events... I think one gains a perspective in life. Which is just as twisted and bizzare as when you started off - not with the perspection (is that a word??!?!) but with realization that there are more sophisticated and classy sounding words which when uttered brings out a light of respect in the listening party.

Talking about the perspective ive gained... That no one gives a rats ass to what you think, decide or do...
No one absodamnlutely no one cares! Unconditional love and all that bullshit aside, once you are actually into the whole thing and you put ur 100% into the matter, they all are the same.

Thats why i trust strangers, inanimate blogs.. Coz they have no reason to care. So they dont pretend they do. They listen to you and then forget and you are cool with it coz u know they dont care two hoots.

Its the ones who say they care who are dangerous. Coz it matters to you that they do and in the end it turns out they dont! And BOY DOES IT HURT!

I can say all this is assuming i have no one left to read this space. Imagine my horror when people i know will... at this particular point, im beyond caring. Not like i ever did.

Im babbling shit and i know it and... I DONT CARE!! Like my guy who says he loves me like no other. Like friends who are there but are too distant to be approached like my folks who affection stifles at times...

I am left alone, with my blog and FB who is dismantled but not complaining.
And the arrangement suits me just fine. *smiles*

As you sow, so shall you weep!!

While i was writing the last post (ages ago) Id thought my blog would be more active, more alive and buzzing with my ever increasing knowledge and worldly know-how.
Alas, it wasnt meant to be.
Id thought my blog to be long dead.
Surprisingly, what they say isnt far from the truth. Actually... it aint surprising, Im just catching up a lil late on the fact or on the adage "As u sow, so shall you reap"

I sowed and i sowed and I sowed and i sooo sowed and how!! For the first 2 years of my blog's birth... it was more of me showing off my writing skills than anything else.
Then after a while, when it started becoming my personal space, it was more of an intrusion of my friends and family knowing i pour out my woes in this lil pink and brown space.
Then id stopped blogging and getting on with my life and the whole fiasco happened with my boss reading not so nice thing bout him.
How would you ask? It was me reaping what id sowed.*sheepish*
Anyways, nw after almost 2 years of my blogdom, im reaping and reaping and reaping some more.
*Elixir's Gyaan: saying REAPING again and againg makes it sound very weird*

So i have people scrapping me and messaging me saying they find my writing absodamnlutely amazing, which is nice and everything but the fact still remains that Im over that phase and I dont need need to be made to feel good bout my writing skills...

But! BUT!!! Iam not complaining *grins* you keep em coming, there is nothing like too much of a good thing
Sothen people!! Tell me i write amazing :D

PS: All nasty comparisons on my past writing and present writing will b deleted - by the order of the author.

Pains for MBA

Come one come all....
Read one, and assume read all....
Shipra's blog isnt her personal space, personal diary anymore *well it wasnt one to begin with* it has become or is gonna become the space for the latest TOI editorial reviews. *making faces*

All this is for the fabled and revered MBA preparations. Like the millions in the herd, yours truely *made changes after the first comment* has also decided to make her miserable life useful n givingin to the peer, parents, boyfriend pressure enrolling in one of the top MBA preparatory institutes. No the enrollment was her own decision, but this blog post is coz A thinks I should pay attention to the daily news.

If that wasnt bad enough, Im to write the review o some sodding peoples lives and other peoples opinions on the same.
Something like the eds this morning talk about a million things in one page- which wouldnt b different from the rest of the days but just that im reading the editorials after well after since forever!!
Theres talks bout the blog n the apparent plagiarism, the fact that the entire Asia should have one currency to fight against the rising dominance o the dollar, the pak threateneing the indo-us nuclear someshit.
Look now I dont mean to be very nonchalant or unbothered about the whole matter, but will take me more than a week to get into the mode to appreciate the whole logic o trashing the country in one article and then talking about the brotherhood feelings shared in the very adjecent write up.
Frankly, I just read 4 articles and woh bhi uppar se... but give me some credit, Im trying...
I supps i didnt mention I woke up at 5 in the morning today to go to the damned gym!!!!!!!
This is for A specifically - I love you, but keeping this up, dono how long this will last, not the pain for MBA preparations but my love for u :P

Miserable!!!!

Forever and always, these days.
Very very restless!!
Dont know wat i want, what im seeking... but im searching for something. Peace maybe. God, once upon a time id go sniffing for trouble just to pep up my mundane life.
Not like suddenly my life has become any less mundane but a lot o trouble lately.
It isnt even trouble, God alone knows what it is, coz i sure cant fathom.....

Thought of changing my blog url... why you ask? Because my boss happened to read the posts dedicated to him (were nasty posts) . No use scrolling down searching for the posts, deleted them as a mark of my apology to him.
Then decided to change my url. First thought was that I dont wanna do it. I dont think I will. There is a curious peace when I see the old pink and brown page. Very pink as the guy bloggers would comment *smiling fondly*

Id once sworn Id never change. But today was showing my palm to a colleague who -she says- can read em. And there is a drastic change in the lines i was born with and my present lines. Figues, i thought. Have always wantd to do something myself.

Trying to find my sense o humour, trying to find my zest for life. Feel like crying sometimes. A lot of things went into making me the way I am today. Maybe a lot more confident, a lot more successful *now that is debatable* but I hate to see at the cost of me. Who am I to blame anybody, I lapped appreciation when I got it, hungered for more...

Wish I wasnt such a fool. Work happened and love happened. N now I know that all my efforts in both is not going to be fruitful. Trying so hard to be the same old me, not happening. But i dont think im gonna give up!

I was fabulous once... I will be again. *I hope*

This blog aint dead!!

Ill be back*grins*

One year of blogdom

I thought, last year, this time.... that when i finish a year of my blog, my baby... id have a 100 comments, all applauding, congratulating, complimenting .... on one year of survival, one year of beautiful writing. *smiles* And here I am. One year old...

Frankly, after the initial euphoria of public appreciation had worn off, digression: i rembr being jealous of purva s blog getting more comments... ahh well it was just not possible was it? This space has meant so much more... and now, well it seems to be the case everytime i choose to sit down and add another page to elixir... and now this blog has really lived up to its name, albeit unconsciously given. A drop of elixir, a drop of me, every page, every post....

This isnt the speech or the post of the winner... as anyone who cares to read will realise my blog is surviving, just about... it isnt bout finishing a year of blogging with the only comments being advertisments.... this isnt bout anything else but plain me doing wat i do best, jabbering.... making a mountain outta a molehill. Something, over the time ive realised ive tuned into a fine art.

Ive missed you, ive missed this me and im missing all my blogmates, all my friends.
Yeah, thats wat prompted me to blog in the first place.
Just a simple realisation of people who have never deserted me, been a part of who i am at my lively highest or pathetic lowest....

There is this guy i kno. All i asked him was to give me acall. No big deal rite? Nope, no big deal. But id asked him to give me a call like 4 months ago, if not earlier..... And till date he hasnt called. He puts it to a faulty memory. I was shit pissed at him.
Half way through my rant i realised, there are soo darned many people whose calls i dont return, let alone call them in the first place.
And the person who really really deserves an accolade is Vipul. So much so that his sms goes sumthing like... " u think u can call me? im in accute financial crisis" And that is wat at the end of the day made me get up and call the idiot. This one is for you vips.
And for you purv, *aah this mite as well b a thanks giving blog* for incesstantly givin missed calls.
And for krish, for always calling at the wrong time...
And Ajay for taking my shit and discounting it.
And shounak, who never has time to call during the day and insists on calling at 3 in the nite *grins*
And Rohini, who almost never calls
And Suderman who makes sure im updated on the latest event of his life, whether i like it or not...
And for Vrushu, who has never and will never read this post. But who i kno will always be there, and the knowledge is enough to keep me assured.
And the special guy ive grown to know and love, for worrying your head off everytime i fail to call or message or mail. I love u Abir.
And Shubhra, my painfully lovely sister, who when not given enough time plops rite bside me and demands my time....

Boy this is growing to be one big mean post.... but wat do i do... i have sooo darned many great friends.... people id do anything for, people id even give my jewellery for, id say life but im too selfish to miss their company even for them *grins, and cries*

Oh and everyone o u lovely people who will leave a comment and well.... for u :D

And oh this world is beautiful again!!!!

How the fu*k is one supps to blog when he/she/it is cribbing...almost weak with hunger and the only thing that is keeping her alive is the french fries and juices she has.... huhhhh???
*grins*
I am....fasting! For Navraatri... first time ever!!!! N boy do I miss food!!!
I always knew i am a foodie, that i love to hog, and mayb, just mayb i was a sow my last birth coz thats all i do even this birth *wink*

Was shit depressed. Last few months... and why you ask? No reason, or mayb coz im in love.... *grins again, this time looking like a monkey wid a banana in her hand- ahem no pun* Im not sure bout the reason, but it was like everything looked gloomy, pessimistic to the core... dready and sad... aah the emotionally challenged even told me it aint fun talking to me anymore *dep sigh* now like it is a compliment to say i entertain someone, but... aah wat da heck!!

Whatever the reason.... people... MY DEAR SWEET BLOGGERS!!!!!!!!
I
AM
GLAD
TO
TELL
YOU ALL *increasing the length o my blog post - wink*
IM SOOO OUTTA IT!!!!!

i supps birthdays tend to have the effect on you... oh yeah people... it was my birthday last weekend...oct 2.
I accept and thank everyone who * U BETTER* leave birthday wishes and loadsa love in my comment box.
Errmmm also.. 21 gifts tend to umm make a person happy bout stuff?? *grinning again! Oh darn i jus mite have lost it finally*
Friends, relatives, a gorgeous sister :D
it isnt everyday that u complete 21 years of exciting existing * i see i havent lost my touch of alliteration*

I think ive had enough written for today, pardon my enthusiasm dearies.... for this world is a beautiful place yet again * grinning n not even caring if rocky (the dog) looking suspicious and on guard for so much teeth*

And haan...will write bout the navraatri fasting in da nxt post...

psst psst: Wish me belated birthday *final grin n signing off*

And I blog again...

If i post this one now, it will be a feat accomplished.
Was blog surfing since yesterday, n boy is everything different or what?!

Some taking a break, some on with life as always...some (read erratica n soxy- romancing thru comments section)
I still am a lil shy.

I jus wanna cry!!! * ill chuck the formal stuff for someother time!!! THIS IS MY BLOG SPACE!!!!!!!!!!*
i wanna cry so bad that I just pour out - everything thats hurting, everything thats undone, everything that pains... forget - every person who breaks my trust, every one who is not there anymore, every memory that brings it all back...

I jus wanna start afresh! Is it too much to ask??? To go back to being innocently self centered, seeing things with rose tinted glasses, jus being full o myself that outside didnt affect my existance?? I suppose it is. Not mid life crisis, im too young for that! Or m i? Maybe i need a brain transplant?! Im thinking too much these days, getting to be too paranoid, too touchy, too everything!!!

It all begins from the beginning actually. When people dont know you. Everything is hunky dory...then slowly...when they get close to you, see more than the perfect facade of yours, see you react to situations...then it all starts, the surprise, the shock, the fact that the person is jus so different than what you thought him to be!! The person is jus human! I dont even know what shit im babbling...but what the heck, no freud is reading this anyways. I wish I understood myself, realised who I am and stuff...its getting too complicated. I dono wat is the real me? The laughing-attempts at pathetic jokes- goof or this..this crying, wimpy shrivelled up thing!

I miss me, the old me. But the new me is kinda exciting too. Jus as unpredictable, but like ayee says, negatively.... bless her soul. I wouldnt ever want a daughter like me, or a frd or a mate....

Guess m too screwd up rite now, its late in the night, need to sleep!

Disconnected

There has been so many things going on... more like disconnected thoughts.
Im almost shy blogging again, jus like i was the first time *smiles*

Didnt have any inclination to write. I decided its too much pain anyways.And I dono...i jus didnt feel like it anymore. I didnt wanna write it down.I think beech mein i jus cudnt write, almost like lost the ability to pen a few words together.
There have been some maturity, some getting-to-know-myself situations, some eye-openers... but all so disconnected, different... i cant seem to write it down even.

I thought its the blog template. Lovely as it was, i dont think it was me. I dont think a lot of things these days is me. Changing- i always was anyways. Being different i always was, weird is the word lets call it eccentric to make it sound nicer.
Im restless these days, these days being some months now. I first thought it was work. Not getting time for stuff. But that aint true. Because I do have time and I dont utilise it well. Not like I was the epitome of productivity but now its plain worse. Musiq teacher calls every weekend asking why i dont go for the lessons anymore, friends call wanting to meet up, if not for a movie or something, jus a cuppa coffee and some chat, folks back home sulking coz i dont give time at home, and to add to all that, blog world beckoning. *smiles* its all very flattering. Theres nothing like being in demand to boost up your spirits. But I think it makes me feel worse.

Its kinda weird, writing again. I feel like a new comer again. Alien grounds. Maybe ill blog surf now, catch up on peoples life and woes. Because thats wat they all dont, dont they? At the end of the day, vent it all out. It was for me. An outlet. An expression.
Ally Mcbeal types. I kno i cant do it in reality, throw someone outta da window, i dont have da strength nor da heart to do it, but deriving satisfaction by playin it in my mind.
I was thinking today, small trivial things had such importance in my life once.. Is it me becoming more mature, too sophisticated now to pay attention to the little things that used to excite me once upon a time... or is it the fact that I now hve a new channel to direct it. I hope not.
Starting now, there is so much to say....so much to share, so much to pen down...

Rohini told me last week, "y stopped blogging shipra? It was one of the very few good things you do and do well" *smiles in nostalgia* I missed you, blog dearest. And missed the ego stroking comments too. Here rohini, this post is for you. For all the times we spent together. I really miss you and purv and blogging and blogger pals
And me.
And this is how I feel.
Disconnected...

Bloody office politics!!!!!!!!

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD VENTING OUT OF FRUSTRATION TO BRING PEOPLE BACK TO BLOGGING!!!!!!!!

Id thought I wont blog, I thought id let this one rest. Working and living is becoming all the more difficult these days. All those people who said work aint a joke were not bloody whiners!!!! It was true!!!!!! It is fuqing difficult to work!!!!! It isn’t like my 2 months hiatus has been uneventful *which I had figured would be the case* and I have nothing to write about. These days I have got a frd I vent it out to. Not a friend really, I dono whr its going…neways that isn’t wat the post is bout.

Its bout fuqing office politics. Mine is not a very large giant of a company, it is small with its own set of people, nice people if you may…but recently its changed. There is poison and one upmanship all over the place, like a colleague-Rubal said negativity in the air. Now look here, tomorrow I am goin out on a holiday, its Saturday and is an official day off…but two of the bitches working wid me plan to go to work. WHY you ask??? To lick the shit outta my bosses ass!! That’s why.

I was always taught to work hard and let the results speak for emselves. Politics of any sort ive never been engaged in…I wont get into this shit too. There is this one new recruit who is the root cause. Stirring trouble all over the place…sucking up to the boss….
Yeah yeah I know wat the standard reply is…all of you have been there, done that and all I can do is watch my ass.
FU*K!!I feel like jus dissing the whole page away. Unnecessary complications in life. I admit ive hankerd after adventures in the past. Made washing jeans and gymming to be a big feat accomplished. N now I kno that people don’t blog when they are getting big feats accomplished. *MAN WAT CRAP M I WRITING ANYWAYS!!!!!*
It is spinning outta control, the work place. Well I think ill just let it. It isn’t my call anyways, it isn’t my prerogative to maintain harmony and “bhai chara” at work. Ill let my boss do the shit or not if he doesn’t wanna.

What I will do in the meantime I think is sit back and watch the play unfold. It also begins wid the subtlest of the hints, that sumthing is going outta balance and the balance needs to be restored. Just a feeling that something just isn’t right. And then the feeling gains ground and hardens into a full blown mess…it isn’t like it is messy already. But holds great promise of being shit messy. I dono y people do it anyways… mayb to hide our own insecurity, our own weaknesses. Happening in my firm. A new recruit is stirring trouble. Well neways…

Me going to Goa for the weekend tomorrow…will keep posting on the venom and the pain spreading around…for now need to work FROM HOME!!

There is God!!!!

I never proclaimed that being single till ur 20 is sumthing to be proud of. Not like you can do something about it. If you are the conventional types. I WAS the conventional types. But then…one day I decided enough was enough.

Happened a month ago.
Decided whether to blog about it. Then decided against it. Then my friend askd me why I didn’t write about it. Then I decided to take a hiatus from blogging. Now finally I figure its about time I sling some mud on the “FRIEND” who broke my heart*exaggeration*

Digression (primalsoup style): Coming back to blogging I realized what a heady feeling it is. Time away was to do some thinking. I was soo buzy living, id stopped living completely. Was being soo full of myself that my ego and my self centeredness was spilling outta my blog in2 the real world. So I had to stop and take charge. Not just the blog but everything else too. Didn’t work. Too bad. Ill leave deep writings for some other post. SEEEEEEE!!! Two weeks o introspection n absodamnlutely no effect. This is gonna piss me off too. But later!! All sodding stuff later!!!!

Anyways…I was saying, I am a perfectly normal human being. ANDD liking a guy is a part of normality. What isn’t normal…actually it is, but I thought it wasn’t…not normal-normal but conventional-normal. Too many people do it these days. Gurls I mean. Tell a guy she digs him. Makes sense actually. Coz if the guy digged u right bak, he would say or do sumthing bout it rite!!?? But no. Since it is not happening. Mite as well take the initiative yourself. Era of feminism n liberation of women and all that shit.

So I decided to spice up my concocted-in-mind-non-existent love life by deciding to have a crush on a friend. Well it isn’t as bad as it sounds. I didn’t think and decide that the person is gonna be my next infatuation or sumthing. Aaahhh. It is getting worse, my explanation. So ill chuck it.

CHAPTER I
A friend, a GOOD friend (now the good is in bold and caps not because he is more than a friend but a very close friend and later do you realize why I stressed on the goodness. *rolling eyes*) came down to India for his vacations. And I*ashamed now* was infatuated by him. The last statement is making me defensive. But I wont defend myself or anything. I bet everyone goes through these phases. And he is a smart, intelligent and nice guy. Not very studly…but then theek hi hai abhi, u can't have everything. But as it turned out you can't have a decent response to the first tentative proposal of your life. One would expect more from a good friend. SIGH!!

So almost a month after he came down, I decided after too much deliberations and a lot o coaxing from a colleague (Christine) that I should tell him how I feel before he leaves for states or id have lost the chance till the next time he comes and who knows if by then…one year is a long time *jeez I am sounding like femme fatale!!!!*

And I collected my courage one day and told him on the phone that I THINK I am developing a huge HUGE crush on him. Waited with bated breath for his reaction. And…ANDDDDDD!!!!!! He laughed. HE LAUGHED!!!!!!! *the nerve of the ass like he gets such statements 10 a day*

Him: hehe, how much do you know me anyways?!
Me: Yeah I know, I am a fool.*muttering under my breath*
Him: no, you are cute.
Cute??!!!??CUTE???!!!! yeah rite!!
Me:*still persistant* cute?? Isn’t there something you should say?? Like no, ships u don’t like me or sumshit. You just gobbled it and sit quiet.
Him: what do you want me to say?? I knew it already.
I left the matter. If anything I didn’t expect him to be chilled about it. I was almost embarrassed. I can't be soo transaparent. At least being a good *the good from the bold and caps above comes in question comes here*. A friend would mean you react suitably surprised and flattered and flustered. What with this being my first admission of infatuation, I expected my friend to be more considerate and react appropriately. But no!! I was gonna get a supremely smug reaction of “I already knew it"

That was chapter one. Chapter two is worse. And here is where I show what an ass he really is and how the villain broke my heart.

CHAPTER II
He knows a gurl since 5 years. Since before I knew him. He doesn’t know her, know her. He’d jus met him once before for God’s sake. I knew that he would like to get to know her better. He found her interesting. All that I knew I admit. I was a friend before naa. It was recently that I had more than friendly feelings for him *or not!!*

When he came down this time, he decided he will meet her. I, yes people it was I who told him, encouraged him even, to go meet her. She wasn’t ready, but I asked her to be persistant. Finally she agreed to meet him.

And this pig tells me about it. Some thing like this is the conversation.
Me: *morose* how did it go??
Him: *pepped up* oh it was nice!! She is very nice. I would like to meet her again. Get to know her.
(oh and btw, did I fail to mention that she has a boyfriend already?? YES!! She is seeing someone already and he still wants to “get to know her better” HURMP!!)
ME:*feigning excitement* good for u, r u meeting her again? * heart beating 130 a minute*
Him: hehe yeah. She didn’t want to. But she wants a book that I have. I told her if she wants the book, she has to meet me.
*duh!!!! Ofcourse she doesn’t wanna meet. She has a guy already. But I was still empathetic n all, I decided if not mine but at least his love life should go somewhere. SIGH. DOUBLE SIGH!!! I supported him all along*

just before he leaves he messages me saying he is going to meet her that day and will profess his interest in her.

All would have been fine if I hadn’t liked him liked him…Worse was me had told him bout it and the pig discusses his lovelife with ME of all people. Then has the nerve of asking me if I was alright about it.

Alls well that ends well…the gurl didn’t meet him, he didn’t confess anything, I was glad- ashamed about how happy I was- but still glad.

OH THERE IS GOD!!!! *grin*

Off blogging for a while...

Ponderings Anyone??

It rainedyesterday. At around 3 in the night. Was alseep but woke up. Surprising, its not everytime that once gone to theland of dreams, do I wake up. But it was the smell of the wet mud. Sounds cliched, wet mud, streaks of water, tapping of the drops on the window shade,
but romantic it is. And nostalgic.

Was sitting there till it was early morning. On the window sill. Leaning out, just. Only the feet and outstretched hands would get wet. There were drops which would fall on the grills and then bounce back on my face. Just a slight nip in the air, not uncomfortable but not cozy either. Something about it and my state of mind. Thinking, feeling, contemplating, nostalgic. It wasnt the desolate feeling that creeps in when alone, it wasnt the lonely feeling, the heavy feeling that settles around the heart, it was the hopeful kinds. It was the realisation that everything is beautiful and lovely, amazing and full of wonder, never ending and forever etched somewhere. Albeit in my memory.

The sky was reddish purple, there were crows sitting under the cover of the palm trees in the compound. Reminded me of my childhood. Took me back to me in class 3. Monsoons, june july. We would play antakshari and pappa would sing. Tell us ghost stories which would freak me out. And shubhra would make silly noises. It was when I understood the truth about fear both palpable and unconscious. And about Manna Dey and shama songeet and nazrool giti. We would be laughing when Maa would sing. And try sing in tune with pappa;s baritone.

There would be no electricity inthe nights. Wasnt needed too. There was breeze, the curious air that blows when it rains. We used to sit on the window sill. Me n my sister. And giggle and flail our limbs, hands outstretched palms cupped. Competing who would gather the most drops. Me used to cheat. I used to hold da palm under the shade where water would gather. And then splash it on her. And then we would start fighting. Because she would cry saying the water is dirty. Lol, was true *smiles*
All this in candle light, inverters as a concept hadnt arrived at my humble village. There was something about doing stuff in candle light i think, which gives my memories a surreal tint. I remember golden glow and cold air. We couldnt do our homework because there was no electricity. Pappa wouldnt let us. So we would do whole lot of other stuff. All sitting on the window sill.

Our neighbour, Mary Aunty would buy bread, no, not bread, its called paav. And the paav wala would come every evening. Sell Paav and eggs. And his arrival would be marked by the ringing of his cycle bell. Around 8ish. One nite it was raining heavy. And we were as usual getting bored with just the water works. No pun. We rang our cycle bell, twice, just the way the Paav wala would do. And as expected, Mary Aunty called out..."paav wala, ek dozen paav dena". I remember giggling so hard and for so long, couldnt seem to stop. Seemed like we would die laughing. But couldnt laugh loud, because like us Mary Aunty would also sit by the window. *smiles* How would the paav wala come? It was raining so heavy that night.

Make paper boats, throw them down. Competition was to see whose paper boat would remain upright. Mine never did. Was always sad at origami. Again I would cheat. Tie a thread to the sail of my boat and thow it down. Shubhra is smart if nothing else, and learns quick. She would throw pebbles in my boat. making it sink. And again we would fight.
Making craft with the melted candle wax. Drop melted wax in water and it hardens immediately. We would buy coloured candles for that. And then stick those frozen pallets on paper. Make apples, birds and then stick it up on the dart board.
And then skools would be shut due to heavy rains. Cooped up at home the whole day, we would give missed calls to our neighbours sleeping in the noon. Climb trees and play ghar ghar during summers. Gang up wid kids from other buildings and play cricket. I would never want to field. Always bat. And thats why they would never let me bat first. Coz of obvious reasons. I wouldnt field after i was out.

Life can never get back to that can it? Everything was NOT perfect. But then there was something so pure almost pious about the times then. And now...sitting again at the window sill. Almost 12 years later. Nothings changed, everythings changed...

The only difference is, then I was making memories... now I cherish them...