Scared!

2 years...
This blog has been dead for two years...
Ive been out of writing for two years...
And the world has changed for me in these two years....

Ive moved to another city which I now call home.
When asked how does Bangalore compare to Bomay, I give a whimsical smile...
I have been married for a good part of these two years...
I thought I had long killed and buried this aspect of my life.
But tonight is different. And should I thank Blogger to keep this thread of sanity or insanity (whatever I feel at a given moment) alive for two years...!

Anyways.. tonnes to talk about, about these two years of hiatus- self imposed...? Well thats for another post, if ever.
I cant sleep tonight. Its 2 in the night, and I cant sleep.
Not that I have been a die hard fan of early to bed... blah but tonight is different.
I am scared... scared of losing what I have. More importantly scared of death. Not mine, ofcourse not, but people I love, people I cant imagine living without...!!
Is anybody ill in my family? No.
Has anything untoward happened recently? Other than losing 2 cats in a span of 4 months.. no.
Can it be those God-awful programmes coming on Indian television these days? Maybe.
But shouldnt I have more sense than be carried away by the nonsense dished out for braindead audience? Perhaps...

What is it?????
Its that bonedeep chill... that sense of foreboding that prevails dead in the night. Its a beautiful winter night here in Bangalore. Clear sky I can gaze at from my window - a privilage very few have in the metro cities... I have the love of my life snoring rhythmically next to me on the warm bed, I couldnt ask for more, could I?

Yes I could, and I am!
Im asking for certainty. Certainty that nothing will rock my boat. Nothing will jinx my life at this moment. I feel so fragile. Will cuddling help? will consoling help? Do I sound insane?!!????
Too many questions and no solace in writing.. its like each thread unravels thousands of tiny threadlets. Too scared to even think those out aloud. I wonder if everyone sleeping right this moment is sleeping peacefully, at having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world? (DISGUSTED!) Or are people simply pretending to be jolly fellows trying to hide their own fears and apprehensions.

I dont think I want fake assurances right now.
I want to let my fear fester. Feed on the darkness of the night and the cold outside.
I want to cry for the hopelessness I feel, for the dread the morning might bring.

And then sleep.
At having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world.