All the load...

Life these days have been rocking. Catching up on life and beauty sleep. Meeting skool friends, going shopping, movies…and made me think…
And I think that im lonely. Its not like im alone. Im always surrounded by people. Nice people. People who are more than eager to show their affection, their love, the fact that they care. But does that make me feel nice??
Momentary gratification, yes. But not after the wisp of da moment disappears in the air. Like a curling smoke.
So im lonely and what do I do to counter that?? I reach out further. Meeting new people. More people, Strangers. Join activity groups, some hobby class…Anything, everything to get outta the loving death grip of familiar people. People who “care”. Some kinda twisted logic u think?? Nope. It isn’t. And I using my brilliant deductive logic have figured out what exactly is the connection.

Its not like I don’t like people. I genuinely love them. More people, many people. Crowds, masses, groups where there are acquaintances, strangers, always plural. The more, the merrier. But always people who are outside my life and outside the line. The line that divides people with mild curiosity and indifference in my life from people with active participation in my life and da events happening in it. People you crack jokes with and laugh till your bus arrives. People who just ask hows life not caring about your answer. People who are not interested in your life.
A polite smile, an indifferent nod, and just that. No more. No interference. Strangers. Those who know nothing bout me. Where im new, a non entity. Anonymous. Where I am who I say I am. Where I am what I do. But human tendency is to attach. Know more, see more, talk more. So much more that they wanna attach a name to you, then a face then a voice. So that eventually they end up being a part of your little life. Part of me. And then again I go searching for new places and things. A clean slate.

I don’t think I want closeness. I don’t think I want attachment, trust, love even. Because they disappoint. let me down. Each and everytime. No im not an optimist. Just a fool, I reach out again and again and again. Just to be scorched again. To be disappointed again. So shouldn’t I be wiser?? And keep to myself? *smiles* I think im a masochist.
Selfless love, total acceptance, genuine understanding. I doubt if they exist. Or maybe they do and it is just me who don’t have faith in them. They bind, they attach, they make you stay. They make you give. I don’t wanna give. i wanna move on. I need to move on. Meeting new people, new stuff, new adventure. Because im tired of the same ol things, routine and drama. They grate on my nerves after sumtime. Irritate, the the burr under the saddle. Constant itching. Till I need respite and I go out again seeking new things, a new world where I can start afresh.

But I don’t sever relations. Im not heartless. No. im not bad. I take memories along. Pictures, memorabilia, mementos…because even though I want to get out of that life, I want to take along their smiles, the things they used. How much I hoard I realized time and again in the recent events. The essay and drawing book, my first crush’s eraser, losing the message archive(which I never read) in Yahoo coz I reinstalled it after FB was formatted, my cell phone that had numbers of people who I will never meet again.
“did u read the messages stored in ur archive??”
“why do u need the numbers and email ids of people who are not present in ur life anymore?? And you can always have the contact details of people who are”
I don’t need them per se. But then they are my memories. People I met, things I shared with people who most probably will never meet again. People who touched me in some way and made me different. At least for a moment.
How I wish people I knew didn’t read my blog. Because they bind. They restrict. They know. They react. And their reaction affects.
I feel sad on losing things. When something breaks. Because its another memory gone. Another moment lost till my fickle mind remembers and links it to something. And I know those moments are few. Very few. and I am never gonna get em back. Again. Ever.
I have a hard time letting go of a relationship. The person im not sure I love. But someone I think of everyday. No longer in my life. I cant seem to accept that people move on and that there are many beautiful people in my life now than were six months ago. I could write the date and the time too, but im too ashamed at my pathetic need to hang on to him.

So it is the memories I cherish. The songs, the talks, the words…
And so I go on. Everyday. Behaving like everything is okie and normal. But secretly storing. Storing and sorting. All the information that goes into my memories. To be thought of when im staring out of a train. Sitting in a rick. Being alone. And hoard I do. To keep me company. Because people are too silly to have around. Memories are more beautiful. over the period of time, they go out of focus and you make up things and colours and time to fill in the patches, so that it is tailor made for a certain mood. Laughter, fun, tragedy, pain, smile, people….i move around with them all the time...

Im waiting for the day I get tired of moving on and the day I will want to stay. At one place. Forever.