The day comes once in a blue moon. A blue moon which is a holiday. So they are really few and far between. Those are the days that make me feel it would be better if I lived alone. Independent. But then again if I lived alone, then maybe…yeah at this point me always in two minds. This is something that has to be done some day. So actually when we think about it, this is something unavoidable. So now with me living with my folks, the only difference is that the occurrence is more frequent.
Waking up early in the morning. (Something I cant do, holiday-no holiday!! That explains my poor attendance in lectures.) But then the constant nagging that today is the D day or the W Day as the case is. “And that it is a fine morning. And a beautiful day has begun, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, there is a light breeze blowing. It’s a perfect day.”
It would have been, a perfect day had I got to sleep a lil more. Say a couple of hours more. But no, today is the special day. Which doesn’t come often. But why? Because most often the reason for the event doesn’t happen. And the time when the event should happen, we don’t have time. Frankly I think the event can happen anytime anyday. And the anytime and anyday can be postponed till people aren’t physically uncomfortable in the presence of the chief guest. But when the rest of the females in the household are adamant there is not much you can do but give in. Resign to fate and accept your destiny. Yes even when you are a female…
Now laundry isn’t a big deal, thanks to the miracle of washing machines. Yep there are days when I do thank technology even though Im dissing it most of the time. But today wasn’t the day I were to express my gratitude to the washing machine. Because today wasn’t any ordinary laundry day. Today was “washing you filthy jeans day” And that day, praise the lord, is special!! And mom decided that seema’s dignity cant take any more assault or she would just give up on the challenge of working for the Nayak family.
So today, she decided her elder daughter has to apply in practice what she(me) announces knows in theory. And that she(yeah…me) had to start with washing the forbidden textile. A pair of jeans, mine. And since I have to learn the lessons of life the hard way, no whirlpool magic for me but plain ol soap and brush and buckets and buckets of water. So there I was, washing as she says “dirt from hell”.
It wasn’t easy. The entire exercise. Started off with a choked gasp when I realized it was ME who was gonna do it.
Mom: “If u can wear that God awful thing , u sure can wash em urself”. Stumped.
Me: *wailing* BUT MAA!!!!!!!
Mom: *that stubborn set of shoulders*
Me: *sigh* so tell me how do I start.
The “event” special as it was, took me half an hour. And around 4 buckets of water. One pair of jeans. Was a matter of pride now!! Umm, looking back I think it was pretty neat. Yes the jean was neat and clean too. Now I know the fine nuances of washing a pair of jeans. And since I started off with the toughest…most difficult task, I can very well say and reiterate THAT I CAN WITH SUCCESS WASH A PAIR OF UNBELIEVABLY FILTHY JEANS. Now, questions like, how did they get so dirty and what was I doing so long, wont be dignified with answers.
I thought of swearing off wearing jeans, coz if I dirty em (not like I roll in the mud or sumthing. I can swear on FB that im a clean child. Have always been) *sudders* I might have to wash em. My respect for Seema has increased 5 brownies!! But then, Id need to swear off quiet a lot of things. Like white clothes, living in my room, eating, drinking, living??
I thinking…these days me getting a bit too domesticated for comfort.
Mom coos “mera baccha finally growing up!!!”
Papa puts it down to another blue moon day…
Friday, February 25, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Makes me wonder...
No it aint a story.
A handsome man, a pretty gurl. Both go to work in town. Travel by train everyday. Every evening in the general compartment after 9, they both would be. Returning home. Meeting everyday. Having fun. Falling in love. Thinking of a future. Parents agree, friends are happy. Both make a perfect couple. They look so lovely together.
But then the man tells the gurl he cant marry her. Because his kidneys may fail. He is living on just one kidney. The other one is so weak, it might as well be not functioning.
The gurl is heartbroken. But decides to see through to till the end. They get married. Have a baby gurl. Some more years pass by. His kidneys fail. The gurl, a woman now does everything she can to save her man. Financial burden, selling house, taking a loan, loses her job in the process. Kidney replacement aint inexpensive. People tell her he can’t be helped. That she has a daughter to take care of now, and herself. But she goes ahead.
He lives.
Till last week.
My mom’s friend is a widow now. With a 10 year old daughter. Working as a temp.
Makes me wonder…
about love….
A handsome man, a pretty gurl. Both go to work in town. Travel by train everyday. Every evening in the general compartment after 9, they both would be. Returning home. Meeting everyday. Having fun. Falling in love. Thinking of a future. Parents agree, friends are happy. Both make a perfect couple. They look so lovely together.
But then the man tells the gurl he cant marry her. Because his kidneys may fail. He is living on just one kidney. The other one is so weak, it might as well be not functioning.
The gurl is heartbroken. But decides to see through to till the end. They get married. Have a baby gurl. Some more years pass by. His kidneys fail. The gurl, a woman now does everything she can to save her man. Financial burden, selling house, taking a loan, loses her job in the process. Kidney replacement aint inexpensive. People tell her he can’t be helped. That she has a daughter to take care of now, and herself. But she goes ahead.
He lives.
Till last week.
My mom’s friend is a widow now. With a 10 year old daughter. Working as a temp.
Makes me wonder…
about love….
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
La Devil...poetry et al
Warning: The post below is to get back at all the pain and misery caused to the author by the person concerned. Any resemblance to any person living is the readers misfortune and no f!@#*$ coincidence
Recently La Devil has been showing signs of interest in stuff. Which would have been perfectly normal if they were normal stuff. However if something is wrong with her, i leave it to you to decide...
Here are her humble and beginner's attempts at shayris. At 2 in da nite no less. Some are pathetic and some are disgusting. And some are downright funny. But all are in hindi. So everyone is duly warned.
People are welcome to complete some of her verses...So here goes
"zindagi kya hai .......intezaar hi toh........gham ki somthin somthin......aur maut somthin somthin"
"sharbati naino ke jheeel mein doob jaane ko ji chahta
tumhare aane se mere zindagi mein somthin somthin hota hai
dil ki kashti kinara dhundhti hai.....
tere aankhon se koi nazara dhundhti hai..."
"dil ke tukde jaise zameen par bikhar gaye.....
tum conversation chod ke jaise yuhi nikal gaye" (this 1 was circumstantial...ask her why...)
"jhonka hawa ka yun chookar nikal jaaye.....jaise tum online aakar offline chala jaaye"
"logon kahan so jaao.....magar humne intezaar kiya.....dil ke armaano ko palko pe bithaliya"
Purv:U want more of my shayarana andaaz (she askin me)
Me: Oh shoot anyway *muhahahaha*
undetered she goes on...
"shayri kagaz kalam pe nahi likhi jaati......pyar karnewalon ki takdeer nahi badli jaati"
"gham dene walen hazzaaar mil jaate hai.......saath dene wala ek hi hota hai"
"maine kaha chand lakar do....to unhone kahan aaina dekhlo"
"logon ki nazren bachate aai hoon tumse milne.....ab tumhi se nazren chura rahi hoon"
"palkey uthi toh tumhare chehre ka deedar hua.......dil tumhara hi hakdaar hua (this is da saddest she admits)"
N MY PRSONAL FAVOURITE!!!!
"pyaar mein logon ki neend udjaati hai......hum to sote hai unke sapne dekhne"
all the while....we r laughing our butts off and in the span of 30 minutes.
Recently La Devil has been showing signs of interest in stuff. Which would have been perfectly normal if they were normal stuff. However if something is wrong with her, i leave it to you to decide...
Here are her humble and beginner's attempts at shayris. At 2 in da nite no less. Some are pathetic and some are disgusting. And some are downright funny. But all are in hindi. So everyone is duly warned.
People are welcome to complete some of her verses...So here goes
"zindagi kya hai .......intezaar hi toh........gham ki somthin somthin......aur maut somthin somthin"
"sharbati naino ke jheeel mein doob jaane ko ji chahta
tumhare aane se mere zindagi mein somthin somthin hota hai
dil ki kashti kinara dhundhti hai.....
tere aankhon se koi nazara dhundhti hai..."
"dil ke tukde jaise zameen par bikhar gaye.....
tum conversation chod ke jaise yuhi nikal gaye" (this 1 was circumstantial...ask her why...)
"jhonka hawa ka yun chookar nikal jaaye.....jaise tum online aakar offline chala jaaye"
"logon kahan so jaao.....magar humne intezaar kiya.....dil ke armaano ko palko pe bithaliya"
Purv:U want more of my shayarana andaaz (she askin me)
Me: Oh shoot anyway *muhahahaha*
undetered she goes on...
"shayri kagaz kalam pe nahi likhi jaati......pyar karnewalon ki takdeer nahi badli jaati"
"gham dene walen hazzaaar mil jaate hai.......saath dene wala ek hi hota hai"
"maine kaha chand lakar do....to unhone kahan aaina dekhlo"
"logon ki nazren bachate aai hoon tumse milne.....ab tumhi se nazren chura rahi hoon"
"palkey uthi toh tumhare chehre ka deedar hua.......dil tumhara hi hakdaar hua (this is da saddest she admits)"
N MY PRSONAL FAVOURITE!!!!
"pyaar mein logon ki neend udjaati hai......hum to sote hai unke sapne dekhne"
all the while....we r laughing our butts off and in the span of 30 minutes.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Taking the Leap
Wasn’t easy. My decision to do it. Had always thought I should do it. Not coz I NEED to do it, yes I can make do without doing it. Have always been fascinated by the entire concept. Of course people would say, people who do it on a regular basis that it is no big deal. That it doesn’t matter. That it is routine now and the fascination is gone. That there was no fascination to begin with, but I was fascinated. It seemed amazing. The pain, the pleasure…the need, the ecstasy!!
Nani says we belong to a conservative culture. That we need not venture into such things. That it is needless complication. And it is not like it is glaring obvious that I am not doing it. Just when we look carefully we see it. Said it might have long-term repercussions. Said I can do it after I get married. Or the time im gonna get married. Says its okie then. Coz I will be more grownup. And can bear the pain. I told her I can bear the pain even now. That I NEED to bear pain. How will I have pleasure then…ofcourse I didn’t say it out loud, nani would have a heart ache. And that every gurl I know does it. My nani was still vehement about not letting me do it. Said there are other options, that doing it…was not necessary. Now you would ask why do I need to ask nani about it…I didn’t. It just sorta happened.
My mom was okie bout it. She had no issues. Whether I do it or not. She just askd me if I were ever doing it, that I need to be careful and that should go to someone who has more experience. They are more gentle for the first timers. What with all the pain and soreness…And she did admit if I were to ever do it sumtime now, then I mite have to do it again and again and again. And that there might be times when I don’t want to. That im bored and that im disgusted. And that there are gonna be times when it will be the test of my endurance coz it will hurt like hell, will be draining, physically…emotionally!! But im still gonna have to do it. Because there is no other way out. And that during winters it might pain more than usual. But I still m gonna have to do it. Because I chose to do it. And that there is no stopping.
My older friend said it kinda gets addictive later. Some people do it everyday. She does it everyday. And some people do it every alternate day. The best part about it is, she said, though it needs to be done during a specific time of the day/nite, it can be done anytime. That it has flexibility. And she said the adrenaline rush…is sumthing that has to be experienced more than to be talked about. Said its more fun when there are people around. And if we had to do it alone then music should accompany. She suggested I do da earlier. Since she knows im more the social kind.
All that made me a lil apprehensive. Mixed emotions. Of course I was brought up in a conservative family. Mere physical strain didn’t seem right. I had to be emotionally and mentally prepared too. To give myself to it. Seemed like a serious commitment to me. And I was not sure if I were upto it. I was too young for such working towards the building of such relationship. Such dedication. But I decided to do it. To see if I can make it. It was a challenge. And im glad I did it.
And now its been 3 months since im doing it. I feel more energetic, more supple more beautiful and confident about myself. And bonus…lost a bit of weight too…
Gymming sure is a lot of fun…and yes…it is addictive ;-)
Nani says we belong to a conservative culture. That we need not venture into such things. That it is needless complication. And it is not like it is glaring obvious that I am not doing it. Just when we look carefully we see it. Said it might have long-term repercussions. Said I can do it after I get married. Or the time im gonna get married. Says its okie then. Coz I will be more grownup. And can bear the pain. I told her I can bear the pain even now. That I NEED to bear pain. How will I have pleasure then…ofcourse I didn’t say it out loud, nani would have a heart ache. And that every gurl I know does it. My nani was still vehement about not letting me do it. Said there are other options, that doing it…was not necessary. Now you would ask why do I need to ask nani about it…I didn’t. It just sorta happened.
My mom was okie bout it. She had no issues. Whether I do it or not. She just askd me if I were ever doing it, that I need to be careful and that should go to someone who has more experience. They are more gentle for the first timers. What with all the pain and soreness…And she did admit if I were to ever do it sumtime now, then I mite have to do it again and again and again. And that there might be times when I don’t want to. That im bored and that im disgusted. And that there are gonna be times when it will be the test of my endurance coz it will hurt like hell, will be draining, physically…emotionally!! But im still gonna have to do it. Because there is no other way out. And that during winters it might pain more than usual. But I still m gonna have to do it. Because I chose to do it. And that there is no stopping.
My older friend said it kinda gets addictive later. Some people do it everyday. She does it everyday. And some people do it every alternate day. The best part about it is, she said, though it needs to be done during a specific time of the day/nite, it can be done anytime. That it has flexibility. And she said the adrenaline rush…is sumthing that has to be experienced more than to be talked about. Said its more fun when there are people around. And if we had to do it alone then music should accompany. She suggested I do da earlier. Since she knows im more the social kind.
All that made me a lil apprehensive. Mixed emotions. Of course I was brought up in a conservative family. Mere physical strain didn’t seem right. I had to be emotionally and mentally prepared too. To give myself to it. Seemed like a serious commitment to me. And I was not sure if I were upto it. I was too young for such working towards the building of such relationship. Such dedication. But I decided to do it. To see if I can make it. It was a challenge. And im glad I did it.
And now its been 3 months since im doing it. I feel more energetic, more supple more beautiful and confident about myself. And bonus…lost a bit of weight too…
Gymming sure is a lot of fun…and yes…it is addictive ;-)
Thursday, February 17, 2005
When the going gets tough...
Life’s always been in a mess…but these days its worse than da usual.
Disgusting Net connection.
FB behaving funny…
Assignment due for submission on Tuesday. Thirty two odd (read really weird) problems. MATH!!! *shudders*
HUGE telephone bill…
Fav kameez (no not pink, blue) torn by Rocky my doggie…
College nearing an end… no clue wat future holds…no clue wat I want either!!!!
Close friend fallen in love WID ME *rolling eyes*
Friend starts blogging…n is threatening to take away my traffic…
and this while you are having da worst case of writer’s block ever!!!!
Annd….ANNNDDDDDD….!!!!!!……..
I AM ILL!!! SO BAD THAT I AM GONNA DROWN IN MY OWN SNOT
All that in an ascending order…umm no wait…not necessarily in ascending…
I don’t know when it started, the “BAD” phase. I don’t really care. It seems like forever though. I mean the disgusting net connection is since forever…FB has been a pain in da ass since forever…da frd in love is since forever…confesses a week ago though.
Assignment is looming like a big insurmountable mountain.
And phone calls…WAT???!! m a GURL, aren't i???!!!!!!!!
Rocky excited tugged at my dress the other day and thr…a 3”x 2” tear…
The “so then…what next in life??” is the favourite statement of every one I know.
Purv blogging is a recent phenomenon, so is me not able to pen two words.
Me being ill…. all started a fortnight ago with me visiting a sick friend. Yeah people. A kindly visit to a friend who messages at 8 in the morn that she can’t move at al that bad is her cold. After lectures, Miss Goody-two-shoes(read me) thinks da friend will feel nice bout a visit. Friend feels nice alrite…so does the bug she has!!!!!
No points for guessing who the friend is… and whom does the bug thinks is its permanent home.
Irony…*sigh*
And everything goes downhill from there!!! I bet this aint done yet. This patch.There is more to come…worse things…I can feel it. But m beyond caring. BAH!
When the going gets tough…
the tough get going….
When the going gets tougher…
The tough care a damn!!!
Psst psst: me going shopping today.
Occasion: severe bout of blues
Excuse: sis’s b’day
Predicted result: hopeful lift in spirits…
Disgusting Net connection.
FB behaving funny…
Assignment due for submission on Tuesday. Thirty two odd (read really weird) problems. MATH!!! *shudders*
HUGE telephone bill…
Fav kameez (no not pink, blue) torn by Rocky my doggie…
College nearing an end… no clue wat future holds…no clue wat I want either!!!!
Close friend fallen in love WID ME *rolling eyes*
Friend starts blogging…n is threatening to take away my traffic…
and this while you are having da worst case of writer’s block ever!!!!
Annd….ANNNDDDDDD….!!!!!!……..
I AM ILL!!! SO BAD THAT I AM GONNA DROWN IN MY OWN SNOT
All that in an ascending order…umm no wait…not necessarily in ascending…
I don’t know when it started, the “BAD” phase. I don’t really care. It seems like forever though. I mean the disgusting net connection is since forever…FB has been a pain in da ass since forever…da frd in love is since forever…confesses a week ago though.
Assignment is looming like a big insurmountable mountain.
And phone calls…WAT???!! m a GURL, aren't i???!!!!!!!!
Rocky excited tugged at my dress the other day and thr…a 3”x 2” tear…
The “so then…what next in life??” is the favourite statement of every one I know.
Purv blogging is a recent phenomenon, so is me not able to pen two words.
Me being ill…. all started a fortnight ago with me visiting a sick friend. Yeah people. A kindly visit to a friend who messages at 8 in the morn that she can’t move at al that bad is her cold. After lectures, Miss Goody-two-shoes(read me) thinks da friend will feel nice bout a visit. Friend feels nice alrite…so does the bug she has!!!!!
No points for guessing who the friend is… and whom does the bug thinks is its permanent home.
Irony…*sigh*
And everything goes downhill from there!!! I bet this aint done yet. This patch.There is more to come…worse things…I can feel it. But m beyond caring. BAH!
When the going gets tough…
the tough get going….
When the going gets tougher…
The tough care a damn!!!
Psst psst: me going shopping today.
Occasion: severe bout of blues
Excuse: sis’s b’day
Predicted result: hopeful lift in spirits…
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Seeing Om
No, Om is not some hunky guy I spent my V day with…he is not even some cute guy paying the rickshaw fare…In fact there was no guy in the picture. Hunky or otherwise.
Two guys …my friends actually,
Them: So then ships, whos da lucky one to be your valentine??
Me: umm no 1 as yet. This is at 5 00 in the evening when I was on my way home
Them : What??!!! NO ONE??!!!!?? WAT IS HAPPENING!!!!????
Me: well if u are so darned concerned bout me having a good day y don’t U do the honours…No, no1. Guys r getting dumber I suppose…*sad smile which makes me look like im in acute pain*
Even my best friend didn’t or rather couldn’t, “ask me out” for coffee or sum shit ( no pun) coz he’d got classes till 7 and then was way too tired to even bother…sigh…u cant even rely on ur close friend to make a day special…
*HUGE SIGH*
Ofcoure we spent da day at purva’s. Rohini (da silent one among us trio) purv n me. We watched Da Amazing Race coz we had missed da finale last evening. That brings me back to seeing Om.
She(purva) has this frame hung in her living room with some optical illusion. Just a printed fabric with some psychedelic stuff. Looks like a non descript thing really. Said if you stare at it, concentrate really hard, you see Om. First its just a big symbol but then as you concentrate harder…you see it surrounded by a ring…further…it seems like the picture is hanging in space. Then when you are at the peak of your focus, you see tiny Oms surrounding the Big OM.
How do I know? Did I see the entire thing?? Heck no. I think I saw the whole universe instead. It was like Yashoda seeing the Brahmand in Krishna’s mouth. I saw a child in da womb, a banana, some flower, a wave of sorts…a nose, eyes….aah well da last two were my reflection in the glass frame…but just no Om!!! 5 minutes. Random images. 7 minutes…purva’s mom and dadi come see what is happening. 10 minutes…I am getting restless and irritated. 12 minutes…the others are having fun.
“First jus unfocus, ships…then slowwwwwly sharpen the image into focus. Do you see??!!!??” –purva NNHO I DON’T SEE!!!!!!!
“now we are soo used to the pic, it doesn’t even take 10 seconds for us to spot the entire thing”-purva’s maid. AAH WELL THANKZ A TON!!!!!
Finally…I just gave up. “You need concentration ship, concentration!!!”
Which takes me back few more days…”What are you thinking??”- My music teacher. And it is fairly easy to catch me when im dreaming bout ...er..ahem…tuning into the cosmos…coz my voice turns nasal and my fingers skip keys on the harmonium. “Feeling sleepy kya??" Fellow student smirking. “This key…THIS KEY!!!! No no it aint sssssaaaeeeeeee its SSSSSAAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA”
Rite now…. I am reading up on Attention Deficit Disorder.
Two guys …my friends actually,
Them: So then ships, whos da lucky one to be your valentine??
Me: umm no 1 as yet. This is at 5 00 in the evening when I was on my way home
Them : What??!!! NO ONE??!!!!?? WAT IS HAPPENING!!!!????
Me: well if u are so darned concerned bout me having a good day y don’t U do the honours…No, no1. Guys r getting dumber I suppose…*sad smile which makes me look like im in acute pain*
Even my best friend didn’t or rather couldn’t, “ask me out” for coffee or sum shit ( no pun) coz he’d got classes till 7 and then was way too tired to even bother…sigh…u cant even rely on ur close friend to make a day special…
*HUGE SIGH*
Ofcoure we spent da day at purva’s. Rohini (da silent one among us trio) purv n me. We watched Da Amazing Race coz we had missed da finale last evening. That brings me back to seeing Om.
She(purva) has this frame hung in her living room with some optical illusion. Just a printed fabric with some psychedelic stuff. Looks like a non descript thing really. Said if you stare at it, concentrate really hard, you see Om. First its just a big symbol but then as you concentrate harder…you see it surrounded by a ring…further…it seems like the picture is hanging in space. Then when you are at the peak of your focus, you see tiny Oms surrounding the Big OM.
How do I know? Did I see the entire thing?? Heck no. I think I saw the whole universe instead. It was like Yashoda seeing the Brahmand in Krishna’s mouth. I saw a child in da womb, a banana, some flower, a wave of sorts…a nose, eyes….aah well da last two were my reflection in the glass frame…but just no Om!!! 5 minutes. Random images. 7 minutes…purva’s mom and dadi come see what is happening. 10 minutes…I am getting restless and irritated. 12 minutes…the others are having fun.
“First jus unfocus, ships…then slowwwwwly sharpen the image into focus. Do you see??!!!??” –purva NNHO I DON’T SEE!!!!!!!
“now we are soo used to the pic, it doesn’t even take 10 seconds for us to spot the entire thing”-purva’s maid. AAH WELL THANKZ A TON!!!!!
Finally…I just gave up. “You need concentration ship, concentration!!!”
Which takes me back few more days…”What are you thinking??”- My music teacher. And it is fairly easy to catch me when im dreaming bout ...er..ahem…tuning into the cosmos…coz my voice turns nasal and my fingers skip keys on the harmonium. “Feeling sleepy kya??" Fellow student smirking. “This key…THIS KEY!!!! No no it aint sssssaaaeeeeeee its SSSSSAAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA”
Rite now…. I am reading up on Attention Deficit Disorder.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
A Clean Slate
There are times when you just want to curl up and cry. Mourn. There is no problem really. But it scares you that there is nothing. If you scratch beneath the surface all there is, is a void. And a cold void. Empty space. Which does not console. Which is harsh. Which pokes u in the eye and says, “LOOK!!! Look at you. Who are u really?” There is darkness. And you are not sure if you have ur eyes open or shut. There is no difference anyways.
You want some thing close to you. A clean slate. Someone who isn’t judgmental. Sumthing like the scene in 50 First Dates. But then it scares you. You can not trust TRUST for what it is. You can not trust LOVE for what it is. Its way too frivolous. It is definitely not for you. Skeptical. Suspicious. Of the emotion. Of the person offering it. If he was faking u will never know. If he is genuine, you can never know. He cant even prove his love. You are not sure if you want him to. You will be under obligation then?? To love him back. And that you can not do. Can’t love anybody but you. Not because you cant but because u don’t want to. Are you self centered?? Yes. And you want to be so. Coz its convenient, coz u don’t have to think bout others. Though u know others cant be like that. And it is because of the knowledge that you can be who you are right now. Can afford to be so right now.
You are in a cocoon. Like you are living in a tower. Built by urself. And it is kinda strange. You see, you perceive but yet it isn’t happening to you. Because you don’t feel. Its like you are living, yet you aren’t. Like the inner you is outta ur body floating. Seeing, looking…watching. You have that smile on your face. That twinkle in your eye. Yet you are detached. Aloof. How well you act. But then it isn’t an act either. You are living in the moment. Yet you feel so empty after its done. It is like the curtain closing and you are back to being a non descript entity who is changing faces every new play. Every new scene. So much charade in the air…it becomes oppressing. Difficult to breathe. Two timing…two faced. Multiface. But then isn’t that what you are too? A new garb, a new look a brand new costume for a brand new character.
And are you even true to yourself? Do you speak the truth? Will you admit that it is over and move on? Tell yourself that no matter how much you pretend, everything is not hunkydory in your life. And just coz you don't want to see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It is there. Rotting and festering...waiting...till one day when the stench is so strong, you just can't ignore it anymore. What then?? The least you can do is stop ignoring... Because it won't go away. It still will haunt you at night. Wake you up in cold sweat. Sneak up on you when you least expect it. When you are sure it isnt there anymore.
It is kinda confusing. Knowing what you want. Knowing what you are. Knowing what you begin with and how it is going to end. Confusing and scary. Scary coz you don’t have the control. No matter what you say, deep down you know it isn’t you who is holding the reins. And you are vulnerable. Defenseless. And there is nothing you can do but just sail along…flow along…hoping and praying that there will be an uprooted tree to which you can hang on to. For the moment…For dear life…
You want some thing close to you. A clean slate. Someone who isn’t judgmental. Sumthing like the scene in 50 First Dates. But then it scares you. You can not trust TRUST for what it is. You can not trust LOVE for what it is. Its way too frivolous. It is definitely not for you. Skeptical. Suspicious. Of the emotion. Of the person offering it. If he was faking u will never know. If he is genuine, you can never know. He cant even prove his love. You are not sure if you want him to. You will be under obligation then?? To love him back. And that you can not do. Can’t love anybody but you. Not because you cant but because u don’t want to. Are you self centered?? Yes. And you want to be so. Coz its convenient, coz u don’t have to think bout others. Though u know others cant be like that. And it is because of the knowledge that you can be who you are right now. Can afford to be so right now.
You are in a cocoon. Like you are living in a tower. Built by urself. And it is kinda strange. You see, you perceive but yet it isn’t happening to you. Because you don’t feel. Its like you are living, yet you aren’t. Like the inner you is outta ur body floating. Seeing, looking…watching. You have that smile on your face. That twinkle in your eye. Yet you are detached. Aloof. How well you act. But then it isn’t an act either. You are living in the moment. Yet you feel so empty after its done. It is like the curtain closing and you are back to being a non descript entity who is changing faces every new play. Every new scene. So much charade in the air…it becomes oppressing. Difficult to breathe. Two timing…two faced. Multiface. But then isn’t that what you are too? A new garb, a new look a brand new costume for a brand new character.
And are you even true to yourself? Do you speak the truth? Will you admit that it is over and move on? Tell yourself that no matter how much you pretend, everything is not hunkydory in your life. And just coz you don't want to see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It is there. Rotting and festering...waiting...till one day when the stench is so strong, you just can't ignore it anymore. What then?? The least you can do is stop ignoring... Because it won't go away. It still will haunt you at night. Wake you up in cold sweat. Sneak up on you when you least expect it. When you are sure it isnt there anymore.
It is kinda confusing. Knowing what you want. Knowing what you are. Knowing what you begin with and how it is going to end. Confusing and scary. Scary coz you don’t have the control. No matter what you say, deep down you know it isn’t you who is holding the reins. And you are vulnerable. Defenseless. And there is nothing you can do but just sail along…flow along…hoping and praying that there will be an uprooted tree to which you can hang on to. For the moment…For dear life…
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Tuning into the Cosmos
I was telling Abhinay the other day to feel the vibes of my radiant personality. He decided he couldnt feel anything. I (rising to the occasion) told him to tune in to the cosmos...and that IF he fails, it really doesn't matter. What with him being a mere mortal. Once i was done giving him crap, I thought bout wat I'd just said. And decided its one of those things, which sound nonsensical the first time you utter it.But then once you say it, you find there is something hidden in it. Or maybe its just me...
Well anyways, so tuning back to what I was saying...there are times when you are supersensitive to everything around you and there are times when you can stare at something and not take anything in. Eternity wrapped up into a moment and a moment that goes on for eternity...naah naah. No word play.
The buzzing of the bee and the hypnotic yellow of its tail
Hearing the leaf of your favourite plant open its bud
Ringng bells and perfumed sticks taking you back to the ancient Orient wisdom.
Rollin the word “entrepreneur” in your mouth and thinking it kinda sounds funny.
Green whitewashed walls reminding of 5th grade Science teacher.
Strangely the doodle looks like the answer to the mystery of curly hair.
Water from the shower looks like rain jewels.
Looking into his eyes and realizing he has brown eyes with flecks of gold.
Watching prof talk...opening n closing his mouth...and thinking -funny he looks like a fish!!
The anxiety of a 100 people catching the Churchgate Fast Local and not to mention thier sweat and body spray.
Pink kinda looks sexy in some way these days
Standing on top of the mountain and shit im acrophobic...!!!!
A lint on the spotless white cotton kameez.
Life...Love...Memories...Space....Time...Cosmos....
Mortals....Elixir....Death??
Naah. Rebirth!!!
Well anyways, so tuning back to what I was saying...there are times when you are supersensitive to everything around you and there are times when you can stare at something and not take anything in. Eternity wrapped up into a moment and a moment that goes on for eternity...naah naah. No word play.
The buzzing of the bee and the hypnotic yellow of its tail
Hearing the leaf of your favourite plant open its bud
Ringng bells and perfumed sticks taking you back to the ancient Orient wisdom.
Rollin the word “entrepreneur” in your mouth and thinking it kinda sounds funny.
Green whitewashed walls reminding of 5th grade Science teacher.
Strangely the doodle looks like the answer to the mystery of curly hair.
Water from the shower looks like rain jewels.
Looking into his eyes and realizing he has brown eyes with flecks of gold.
Watching prof talk...opening n closing his mouth...and thinking -funny he looks like a fish!!
The anxiety of a 100 people catching the Churchgate Fast Local and not to mention thier sweat and body spray.
Pink kinda looks sexy in some way these days
Standing on top of the mountain and shit im acrophobic...!!!!
A lint on the spotless white cotton kameez.
Life...Love...Memories...Space....Time...Cosmos....
Mortals....Elixir....Death??
Naah. Rebirth!!!
Saturday, February 05, 2005
So I dont dig cars!!!!!!
“DID YOU SEE THE BEAUTY THAT ZOOMED BY???!!!! Nope. I didn’t see the beauty that zoomed by. I was too buzy checkin out da guy who was paying the rickshaw fare. More often than not, while us college friends are walking, this is the line that gets repeated again and again and again till I feel I just have to let up and puke it out of my system. It gets worse when these is another pretty (the first one is me ofcourse!!!) gurl walking by the side.
Why would guys want to talk about cars and their make when soo obviously gurls don’t get it even if their lives depended upon it. Okie gurls in this context are the ones like me who are just so bad with automobiles that I have to look at the shiny alphabets in the rear of the gaddi to know what make it is. What the heck, I just can identify an Ambassador or a Maruti 800 and maybe a Santro without any help. The others are all the same. Tinboxes as a friend called it once. It doesn’t come as a wonder if I tell that I don’t know how to drive. But then even that admission isn’t enough to appease the minds and the talks of my guy friends. “Oh come on ships like that is a handicap!!! Look at A, she drives down to college but has she any clue if she is diving a ____ or a _____. She might as well be driving a cardboard box on wheels for all the respect she pays to the car. *rolling eyes*
Why such vehement response outta the blue would you ask? Because I am given a task. Setting up a fictional auto spare parts plant!!! As a part of the entrepreneurial project. I cant spell the darned word. Wont help the cause if I tell the professor I don’t have a single entrepreneurial bone in my entire body!!! The professor didn’t stop at just setting the Goddamned thing. He wants us to make it into a global leader in spare parts. !@##%$^????? *Choked voice box*
The best part is yet to come!!!! The guys in the team have no clue about automobiles. Bloody losers!!!! In other instances I would have thank the lord and hugged the guys but now I cant seem to decide if I should throttle them or myself. The situation would have been hilarious if not so pathertic. Iam at my wits end!! Tried googling for “spark plug” some one during the brain storming session told us that it is the smallest part after nuts and bolts. But then yesterday someone else told me there are different spark plugs for different types of vehicles. Id be damned!!!! Then we decided (so obviously didn’t want to complicate the already doomed to failure project) that windscreen would be the next bet. Now today im googling for wind shields from Garware.
*resigned to fate* There are some things a gurl doesn’t get. This is one of them. Technology is another. No I don’t feel bad or left out. There is only so much that a gurl can do to keep her ego into check. How would it help if I knew everything about everything. It would be hell to live wid someone with so intelligent and proficient in everything. Now if isn’t hell to live with me already, I leave it to Purva to comment. And im sure she wont let me down.
Psst psst: incidentally Purva knows a lot about cars and their makes and she can drive too. And before people reading this think she is God’s gift to “man”kind. Remember she has a forked tongue and a nasty mind.
Why would guys want to talk about cars and their make when soo obviously gurls don’t get it even if their lives depended upon it. Okie gurls in this context are the ones like me who are just so bad with automobiles that I have to look at the shiny alphabets in the rear of the gaddi to know what make it is. What the heck, I just can identify an Ambassador or a Maruti 800 and maybe a Santro without any help. The others are all the same. Tinboxes as a friend called it once. It doesn’t come as a wonder if I tell that I don’t know how to drive. But then even that admission isn’t enough to appease the minds and the talks of my guy friends. “Oh come on ships like that is a handicap!!! Look at A, she drives down to college but has she any clue if she is diving a ____ or a _____. She might as well be driving a cardboard box on wheels for all the respect she pays to the car. *rolling eyes*
Why such vehement response outta the blue would you ask? Because I am given a task. Setting up a fictional auto spare parts plant!!! As a part of the entrepreneurial project. I cant spell the darned word. Wont help the cause if I tell the professor I don’t have a single entrepreneurial bone in my entire body!!! The professor didn’t stop at just setting the Goddamned thing. He wants us to make it into a global leader in spare parts. !@##%$^????? *Choked voice box*
The best part is yet to come!!!! The guys in the team have no clue about automobiles. Bloody losers!!!! In other instances I would have thank the lord and hugged the guys but now I cant seem to decide if I should throttle them or myself. The situation would have been hilarious if not so pathertic. Iam at my wits end!! Tried googling for “spark plug” some one during the brain storming session told us that it is the smallest part after nuts and bolts. But then yesterday someone else told me there are different spark plugs for different types of vehicles. Id be damned!!!! Then we decided (so obviously didn’t want to complicate the already doomed to failure project) that windscreen would be the next bet. Now today im googling for wind shields from Garware.
*resigned to fate* There are some things a gurl doesn’t get. This is one of them. Technology is another. No I don’t feel bad or left out. There is only so much that a gurl can do to keep her ego into check. How would it help if I knew everything about everything. It would be hell to live wid someone with so intelligent and proficient in everything. Now if isn’t hell to live with me already, I leave it to Purva to comment. And im sure she wont let me down.
Psst psst: incidentally Purva knows a lot about cars and their makes and she can drive too. And before people reading this think she is God’s gift to “man”kind. Remember she has a forked tongue and a nasty mind.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Filter Coffee And Manna Dey
Today I made my amma proud. Learnt how to brew coffee. FILTER COFFEE!!! The sign of a true Southie. Amma flinches when i talk about Barista and Coffee Day. Coffee ain't coffee till it is M. R. Filter Coffee. Hehe, but it IS true. Filter Coffee is Filter Coffee!!!
The entire exercise was real neat i think. That old steel filter, the aroma of spilled M R Coffee powder in the kitchen, my harrowed mom, amused papa. The coffee dripping through the filter, sloshing some on the counter while pouring it in da mug, the mess...
And how does Manna Dey figure in the equation? Its sumthing bout Coffee at 2 in the nite. The part of me who had fun making coffee and found it darned cool, didn't want to share it with Bryan Adams or The Eagles, they just wouldn't understand. No offence guys, i like you at other times...but something as....as...as deep as the night and silence and the quiet and ofcourse M.R. Filter Coffee, a Laaga chunri mein daag...seems more fitting or a Zindagi Kaisi Hai Paheli or even a Chalat Musafir from Teesri Kasam...
Had a friend over (i called her up to make her try the coffee i'd made *wink*) , and had some more of Manna Dey playing even then and I told her, Ain't he cool??!!!?? And she was like, who is Manna Dey? Trust me...my jaw dropped to the floor and my eyebrows disappeared in my hairline!!!!! Many haven't even heard of him!!!! Now with him being awarded the Padma Bhushan, there ought to be a li'l more awareness I guess. Its kinda sad, i thought once she left after a detailed explaination from me , my sis and even my mom about da kinda songs he sung, the bengali songs, how he landed up in mumbai...blah...blah...poor Vidhu, a coffee brewd by me and lesson in Music by the ladies of N family...well good thing, bet da next time she gets my call saying come over 4 coffee, she is gonna think twice!!
So here I am, at 2 in the night listening to "Laaga Chunri Mein Daag..."with that silly grin on my face and steaming hot coffee (da 3rd mug...i can make good filter coffee huh) and feeling nice. Nice might be too inadequate a word. But then that is precisly what I am feeling-NICE. Content. And there is just music. In its purest form. Manna Dey singing alankaar...and me blogging. And there is the night, silence, quiet. And there is Coffee. Window half opened, just a ray of moonlight falling across FB and the shadow of the night lamp. And the sense of...no, just the sense, the feel...of just being. Suspended in the time. Its so magical, it is almost unrealistic.Don't even wanna think, or word. The flow, as seamless and as smooth as the voice and as rich and as delicious as the coffee. The essence swirling in my mouth, my mind, my being. There is lathargy but there is alertness. Drugged senses but supersensitivity towards sound, voice, light, taste...*smiles* I wonder if this is what they call a high...
"woh duniya more babul ka ghar...
yeh ghar duniya sasuraal...
haan jaake babul se nazreen milaoun kaise....
Ghar jaaoon kaise...
Laaga Chunri mein daag......."
The entire exercise was real neat i think. That old steel filter, the aroma of spilled M R Coffee powder in the kitchen, my harrowed mom, amused papa. The coffee dripping through the filter, sloshing some on the counter while pouring it in da mug, the mess...
And how does Manna Dey figure in the equation? Its sumthing bout Coffee at 2 in the nite. The part of me who had fun making coffee and found it darned cool, didn't want to share it with Bryan Adams or The Eagles, they just wouldn't understand. No offence guys, i like you at other times...but something as....as...as deep as the night and silence and the quiet and ofcourse M.R. Filter Coffee, a Laaga chunri mein daag...seems more fitting or a Zindagi Kaisi Hai Paheli or even a Chalat Musafir from Teesri Kasam...
Had a friend over (i called her up to make her try the coffee i'd made *wink*) , and had some more of Manna Dey playing even then and I told her, Ain't he cool??!!!?? And she was like, who is Manna Dey? Trust me...my jaw dropped to the floor and my eyebrows disappeared in my hairline!!!!! Many haven't even heard of him!!!! Now with him being awarded the Padma Bhushan, there ought to be a li'l more awareness I guess. Its kinda sad, i thought once she left after a detailed explaination from me , my sis and even my mom about da kinda songs he sung, the bengali songs, how he landed up in mumbai...blah...blah...poor Vidhu, a coffee brewd by me and lesson in Music by the ladies of N family...well good thing, bet da next time she gets my call saying come over 4 coffee, she is gonna think twice!!
So here I am, at 2 in the night listening to "Laaga Chunri Mein Daag..."with that silly grin on my face and steaming hot coffee (da 3rd mug...i can make good filter coffee huh) and feeling nice. Nice might be too inadequate a word. But then that is precisly what I am feeling-NICE. Content. And there is just music. In its purest form. Manna Dey singing alankaar...and me blogging. And there is the night, silence, quiet. And there is Coffee. Window half opened, just a ray of moonlight falling across FB and the shadow of the night lamp. And the sense of...no, just the sense, the feel...of just being. Suspended in the time. Its so magical, it is almost unrealistic.Don't even wanna think, or word. The flow, as seamless and as smooth as the voice and as rich and as delicious as the coffee. The essence swirling in my mouth, my mind, my being. There is lathargy but there is alertness. Drugged senses but supersensitivity towards sound, voice, light, taste...*smiles* I wonder if this is what they call a high...
"woh duniya more babul ka ghar...
yeh ghar duniya sasuraal...
haan jaake babul se nazreen milaoun kaise....
Ghar jaaoon kaise...
Laaga Chunri mein daag......."
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