Falling...

Have you ever felt like you are invincible, the world is at your feet, you can do no wrong and then...

BAM!

suddenly your world comes crashing down and you realise that it is really hard to come back up!

Something like that happened to me a few weeks ago...

Let's just say I have a new respect to people who are able to get up after they fall.

Year End Musings

Getting back to writing and making it a discipline can be a bit of effort. Especially when one has been out of touch from reading or writing since a long time.

I have always been a big fan of implicit learning, so I safely presume if I spend enough time and energy and dedication - i should be back to being at ease with writing. Why do I need to do it again you might ask. Because I am thinking it's time to get back to the more literary side of me. Is that a year end resolution? Not really - i have been making efforts towards it in the last few weeks.

In my profession - I am in Human Resources function, everyone is enamoured with Development Plans. Because we HR folks believe in the concept of conscious and intentional evolution  - being very intentional about how one wants to grow.

So my personal development plans are as follows:
1) Be more organised and planned. Delegate when possible.
2) Be more empathetic.
3) Deliver as committed.
4) Continue to do forward looking thinking - about what next.
5) Do more cerebral stuff.
6) Develop more leadership qualities.

It will require very conscious efforts from my side to manage the above development plans and a at least 15 more additional activities that i would like to enhance - but that will defeat the no. 3 in the above list...

Coming year will be exciting - I shall use this space to keep myself honest about my development plans. Let's see...

In the meantime - Happy New Year 2018 and may you get what your hearts desire!!

To next phase...

There comes a stage in life when we reminisce about days gone by... Happy times, exciting times, peaceful times...? And just a memory, song, place, name brings them flooding back. For some the reminiscing comes early, some late.

Am i reminiscing? lol, not generally. But over the time I sit to write, I seem to be stuck in a timezone which is 10 years back. You would think the last 10 years haven't been special. I dont know if I am trying to convince this space or myself.

No worries. Whats felt is felt... done is done.

A wise person told me "dont think of starting things anew, think of being in the next phase... the inertia of starting will be lesser..." And truer words have not been spoken.

So here's to the next phase...

Hmmm...

So... one always needs something to nudge them along.
And I needed a brand new mac to resume blogging.

I dont know if people use blogger anymore, well... given that i am posting right now should mean its still around - whether its thriving... only time will tell.

When i first started blogging, it took me almost a month of continuous writing to get in the groove of writing... it started with inane stuff. And this time around, i dont see why it will be any different. But persistence is the key. And i want to persist on this one. Not for any other reason but to be so much more aware (strike out aware) alert is more like it.
Alert to my surroundings, opportunities, things that are going on or off as the case maybe.

Why be alert? To up my game. I have always been a big fan of implicit learning. And to say it has served me well these last 30 years. (yes! i am now in the BIG THREE O team! Ten years older than when i first blogged) I have very recently learned - implicitly of course, that this will take me only so far. And that to accelerate what i am already good at, i will need to feed the learning with a lot more external matter for my learnings to take shape, for my beliefs to be more rooted and my thinking a lot more sharper.

Hence comes the birthday gift from my dearest husband. the spanking new macbook pro.

I had taken up blogging for two reasons - one, i loved how Sudhish Kamath used to write - "used to" because i had taken a hiatus from blogging and reading other blogs. And two, i was going through a really rebellious phase back then in the early 2000s and needed a place where i had my space and would be unequivocally accepted no matter how ridiculous or radical my ideas were. Turned out i was not as radical as i had hoped or wished to be. Today i am back to blogging because one, i really need to justify the constant whining for a new laptop and because after so many years of doing everything and nothing, i want to go back a few years, do things i used to love doing which I happen to have lost focus on these past years.

These last few years have been a little drifty - (is that a word?) Good drifty. Got settled in marriage, found myself a good job, building on my career, lost a loved one, distanced from close friends, adopting at least 6 cats through the years. Living life exactly the way i wanted... Retrospectively, life doesn't feel drifty, feels like i have been unconsciously laying a solid foundation for a life ahead with the person i am meant to spend the rest of my life with. But did i achieve something ground breaking? No. Was i meant to? I dont know. I am increasingly becoming more aware that childhood with its annual exams every summer felt a lot more meaningful, like there was a more tangible and incremental progress in life. Now it feels like one month flowing into the other, years going by with a few blips here and there.

I am thankful for the fact that the blips are few and far between. Am blessed that way.

But now I feel ready to take on much more, bring back the tangible incremental progress. Make more noise while moving through life. And this blog is one of the many "Resume" i am making. Why resume and not start? That story is for another day.

Till that time... let this post float in the infinite space of the world wide web shrouded in anonymity till i find my anchor yet again...

Craving Peace

I am starting to crave peace.

Sthirata they call in Sanskrit – stillness, steadiness, centeredness, stability, composure, gravitas.

The way I was, the way I am, one would never think I would search for peace, for quiet, for steadiness, for fulfilment.

But here I am. Wanting to find higher purpose, fulfilment in life. This is not to say I don’t want success, prosperity and excellence in life. This is not to say I am not materialistic anymore or do not want the glitzy and glittery. It just means that I want balance. I want the thrill of a success and awareness to stand grounded. I want the pride of excellence but the composure to handle it. I want to become a bigger person, a better person and importantly more contented person.

I don’t find joy or fulfilment in shopping anymore. Not that I don’t go mall hopping, but I leave each store with increasing disgruntlement. There are plenty of good things, pretty things to have and to buy. Is it that I am not finding them attractive anymore? Have my standards become loftier or I have just peaked out with respect to shopping – I don’t know. Maybe introspection is required.

During work, off work, I am marvelled at my wisdom, insight. I am into work that is highly people intensive. Wisdom and insight creeps up on you when you least expect it or maybe we just imbibe it without realising it. My husband highly believes in implicit learning, I think I am starting to see merits in it.

Now depending on how many read this page anymore, I might get comments saying – hey its part of growing up or you will grow out of it or worse – its just a phase… Am I looking at explanation of my state of mind? No. Understanding? I don’t think so. Condescending acceptance (statements like - hey its ok)? Heck No. I just am, am just being. And in the process looking for and discovering answers for myself.

Coming back to peace. Maybe its overrated. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it will work for me, maybe it won’t. But I suspect the journey will be exhilarating. Come to think of it, I am being increasingly impatient as well. Want things just the right way. Most often than not, my way. Somehow it’s the proverbial penny that has dropped. I refuse to accept status quo. I refuse to accept tardiness – especially my own. I refuse to have life pass me by and me being a mute spectator. There is something that is different, something that is refreshingly different happening here. And I am loving it.

It is like being doped. The awareness is just so high! I sometimes fear am I really so evolved? Or is it just a phase? If it’s not a phase, will I peak out in a couple of years? Or will I reach self actualization? Am off and on reading “Many minds, many masters” Have heard mixed feedback/ reviews on it. Its about this lady and her shrink’s journey of her past lives (that’s where I have reached so far) and some of it is making sense – the knowledge, the awareness, the certainty with which I believe in some of the philosophical and theological concepts. The fact that i just know what I am supposed to be, supposed to do. I just know.

It is almost like my purpose in life is to live the journey, to experience the living itself. And live it to the hilt. So that each moment is like orgasming - mindblowing yet so calming.

*deep breath* Too much happening here.

But this is it for now.

And welcome back me to this space again.

Stand by me...

I aint starting with how long, how much, how far, how many, how many not... un huh! Nope...

Taking baby steps. Dildaara playing... loudly. Contented. Smiling.
Happy. Universe right side up.

Gonna make khichdi in sometime. Comfort food.
Hope everyone is happy, content or atleast at peace right now. during some rare, really rare moments, I feel I can make everything alright in the world. How much does it take anyway. A little prayer, a wide smile, a hug parhaps and everyone will be bright eyed, shiny nosed, springy steps

No, not gone bonkers, just plain content... bought a new desktop today :D
No laptop or blackberry can do what a good ol screen and keyboard can do, make me want to write my heart out on this little pink and brown page. Now playing, Senorita - zindagi na milegi dobara.
Hindi song fan. Wondering if all the gagas and beyonces can make your feet tap while dangling six inches from ground. I am sitting on a chair if you are wondering. Feeling silly now. The song has that effect on me. Dancing now, good and proper, legs jiggling, fingers snapping, shoulders - well whatever it is that you do with the shoulders while dancing.
Chammak Challo now...

:D Publishing before i lose my nerve

Scared!

2 years...
This blog has been dead for two years...
Ive been out of writing for two years...
And the world has changed for me in these two years....

Ive moved to another city which I now call home.
When asked how does Bangalore compare to Bomay, I give a whimsical smile...
I have been married for a good part of these two years...
I thought I had long killed and buried this aspect of my life.
But tonight is different. And should I thank Blogger to keep this thread of sanity or insanity (whatever I feel at a given moment) alive for two years...!

Anyways.. tonnes to talk about, about these two years of hiatus- self imposed...? Well thats for another post, if ever.
I cant sleep tonight. Its 2 in the night, and I cant sleep.
Not that I have been a die hard fan of early to bed... blah but tonight is different.
I am scared... scared of losing what I have. More importantly scared of death. Not mine, ofcourse not, but people I love, people I cant imagine living without...!!
Is anybody ill in my family? No.
Has anything untoward happened recently? Other than losing 2 cats in a span of 4 months.. no.
Can it be those God-awful programmes coming on Indian television these days? Maybe.
But shouldnt I have more sense than be carried away by the nonsense dished out for braindead audience? Perhaps...

What is it?????
Its that bonedeep chill... that sense of foreboding that prevails dead in the night. Its a beautiful winter night here in Bangalore. Clear sky I can gaze at from my window - a privilage very few have in the metro cities... I have the love of my life snoring rhythmically next to me on the warm bed, I couldnt ask for more, could I?

Yes I could, and I am!
Im asking for certainty. Certainty that nothing will rock my boat. Nothing will jinx my life at this moment. I feel so fragile. Will cuddling help? will consoling help? Do I sound insane?!!????
Too many questions and no solace in writing.. its like each thread unravels thousands of tiny threadlets. Too scared to even think those out aloud. I wonder if everyone sleeping right this moment is sleeping peacefully, at having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world? (DISGUSTED!) Or are people simply pretending to be jolly fellows trying to hide their own fears and apprehensions.

I dont think I want fake assurances right now.
I want to let my fear fester. Feed on the darkness of the night and the cold outside.
I want to cry for the hopelessness I feel, for the dread the morning might bring.

And then sleep.
At having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world.