A Drop Of Elixir ..........

Scared!

2009-12-15T12:19:00.000-08:00

2 years...
This blog has been dead for two years...
Ive been out of writing for two years...
And the world has changed for me in these two years....

Ive moved to another city which I now call home.
When asked how does Bangalore compare to Bomay, I give a whimsical smile...
I have been married for a good part of these two years...
I thought I had long killed and buried this aspect of my life.
But tonight is different. And should I thank Blogger to keep this thread of sanity or insanity (whatever I feel at a given moment) alive for two years...!

Anyways.. tonnes to talk about, about these two years of hiatus- self imposed...? Well thats for another post, if ever.
I cant sleep tonight. Its 2 in the night, and I cant sleep.
Not that I have been a die hard fan of early to bed... blah but tonight is different.
I am scared... scared of losing what I have. More importantly scared of death. Not mine, ofcourse not, but people I love, people I cant imagine living without...!!
Is anybody ill in my family? No.
Has anything untoward happened recently? Other than losing 2 cats in a span of 4 months.. no.
Can it be those God-awful programmes coming on Indian television these days? Maybe.
But shouldnt I have more sense than be carried away by the nonsense dished out for braindead audience? Perhaps...

What is it?????
Its that bonedeep chill... that sense of foreboding that prevails dead in the night. Its a beautiful winter night here in Bangalore. Clear sky I can gaze at from my window - a privilage very few have in the metro cities... I have the love of my life snoring rhythmically next to me on the warm bed, I couldnt ask for more, could I?

Yes I could, and I am!
Im asking for certainty. Certainty that nothing will rock my boat. Nothing will jinx my life at this moment. I feel so fragile. Will cuddling help? will consoling help? Do I sound insane?!!????
Too many questions and no solace in writing.. its like each thread unravels thousands of tiny threadlets. Too scared to even think those out aloud. I wonder if everyone sleeping right this moment is sleeping peacefully, at having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world? (DISGUSTED!) Or are people simply pretending to be jolly fellows trying to hide their own fears and apprehensions.

I dont think I want fake assurances right now.
I want to let my fear fester. Feed on the darkness of the night and the cold outside.
I want to cry for the hopelessness I feel, for the dread the morning might bring.

And then sleep.
At having completed another beautiful day in the oh-so-amazing world.

Dead Blog...

2007-11-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

My Blog is dead.... my lovely blog is sooo dead!!
And so is FB and my friendship and may be just maybe my relationship with my fiance.

Maybe i like it this way. I always knew i had a streak of masochism in me... self pity gives me a kick like no grass can- not like ive never smoked grass (one of the many things i dont think ill ever do - i somehow link it to somekinda cool quotient) anyway!

Why am i blogging again...? I have no idea.
How long will the posts continue... Absolutely no idea...
An even basic question... will this post be published... "dont know dont know dont know..."

That seems to be my funda in life these days... Clueless

You might think ive had a fight with my guy. No, all this venting is BECAUSE i didnt fight with him. And good thing too. He accused me of having a problem if he has good health.
Lack of sleep, talking late in the night makes him catch cold, run a fever, have blood shot eyes.
And all the above keeps me just dandy... (being sarcastic jus in case my writing has lost touch)

Am i mad at him?? OH NO!!! I WOULDNT DARE!!!! coz that will lead to a fight, him apologising for not being able to give me enough time... same ol story.... so im being miss-g00dy-two-shoes which suits him fine, he can catch up on sleep, work, his folks,friends, his space and his time *someday i should write bout him...*

I dont know why am i ranting like a love starved puppy... coz i arent.
I just miss me... my friends... what I had with mr. fantasticonceuponatime
I miss this space.... and i miss all those who would read, sympathise, empathise or jus comment for the heck of it...

Its been so long... so darned long.... so long since ive been myself...
And i ve changed - and its too late to contemplate if its for the better or worse...
knowing me its the later.

This pink and brown space has been my mecca. My space... mine MINE!!!!!

You know after working in a corporate, where short forms are not allowed (your version of words that i.e) after being with a guy whos just too superior for you to ever catch up, firends who over a period of time have drifted apart and a million other firefighting events... I think one gains a perspective in life. Which is just as twisted and bizzare as when you started off - not with the perspection (is that a word??!?!) but with realization that there are more sophisticated and classy sounding words which when uttered brings out a light of respect in the listening party.

Talking about the perspective ive gained... That no one gives a rats ass to what you think, decide or do...
No one absodamnlutely no one cares! Unconditional love and all that bullshit aside, once you are actually into the whole thing and you put ur 100% into the matter, they all are the same.

Thats why i trust strangers, inanimate blogs.. Coz they have no reason to care. So they dont pretend they do. They listen to you and then forget and you are cool with it coz u know they dont care two hoots.

Its the ones who say they care who are dangerous. Coz it matters to you that they do and in the end it turns out they dont! And BOY DOES IT HURT!

I can say all this is assuming i have no one left to read this space. Imagine my horror when people i know will... at this particular point, im beyond caring. Not like i ever did.

Im babbling shit and i know it and... I DONT CARE!! Like my guy who says he loves me like no other. Like friends who are there but are too distant to be approached like my folks who affection stifles at times...

I am left alone, with my blog and FB who is dismantled but not complaining.
And the arrangement suits me just fine. *smiles*

As you sow, so shall you weep!!

2006-06-19T02:47:00.000-07:00

While i was writing the last post (ages ago) Id thought my blog would be more active, more alive and buzzing with my ever increasing knowledge and worldly know-how.
Alas, it wasnt meant to be.
Id thought my blog to be long dead.
Surprisingly, what they say isnt far from the truth. Actually... it aint surprising, Im just catching up a lil late on the fact or on the adage "As u sow, so shall you reap"

I sowed and i sowed and I sowed and i sooo sowed and how!! For the first 2 years of my blog's birth... it was more of me showing off my writing skills than anything else.
Then after a while, when it started becoming my personal space, it was more of an intrusion of my friends and family knowing i pour out my woes in this lil pink and brown space.
Then id stopped blogging and getting on with my life and the whole fiasco happened with my boss reading not so nice thing bout him.
How would you ask? It was me reaping what id sowed.*sheepish*
Anyways, nw after almost 2 years of my blogdom, im reaping and reaping and reaping some more.
*Elixir's Gyaan: saying REAPING again and againg makes it sound very weird*

So i have people scrapping me and messaging me saying they find my writing absodamnlutely amazing, which is nice and everything but the fact still remains that Im over that phase and I dont need need to be made to feel good bout my writing skills...

But! BUT!!! Iam not complaining *grins* you keep em coming, there is nothing like too much of a good thing
Sothen people!! Tell me i write amazing :D

PS: All nasty comparisons on my past writing and present writing will b deleted - by the order of the author.

Pains for MBA

2006-05-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

Come one come all....
Read one, and assume read all....
Shipra's blog isnt her personal space, personal diary anymore *well it wasnt one to begin with* it has become or is gonna become the space for the latest TOI editorial reviews. *making faces*

All this is for the fabled and revered MBA preparations. Like the millions in the herd, yours truely *made changes after the first comment* has also decided to make her miserable life useful n givingin to the peer, parents, boyfriend pressure enrolling in one of the top MBA preparatory institutes. No the enrollment was her own decision, but this blog post is coz A thinks I should pay attention to the daily news.

If that wasnt bad enough, Im to write the review o some sodding peoples lives and other peoples opinions on the same.
Something like the eds this morning talk about a million things in one page- which wouldnt b different from the rest of the days but just that im reading the editorials after well after since forever!!
Theres talks bout the blog n the apparent plagiarism, the fact that the entire Asia should have one currency to fight against the rising dominance o the dollar, the pak threateneing the indo-us nuclear someshit.
Look now I dont mean to be very nonchalant or unbothered about the whole matter, but will take me more than a week to get into the mode to appreciate the whole logic o trashing the country in one article and then talking about the brotherhood feelings shared in the very adjecent write up.
Frankly, I just read 4 articles and woh bhi uppar se... but give me some credit, Im trying...
I supps i didnt mention I woke up at 5 in the morning today to go to the damned gym!!!!!!!
This is for A specifically - I love you, but keeping this up, dono how long this will last, not the pain for MBA preparations but my love for u :P

Miserable!!!!

2006-03-29T01:00:00.000-08:00

Forever and always, these days.
Very very restless!!
Dont know wat i want, what im seeking... but im searching for something. Peace maybe. God, once upon a time id go sniffing for trouble just to pep up my mundane life.
Not like suddenly my life has become any less mundane but a lot o trouble lately.
It isnt even trouble, God alone knows what it is, coz i sure cant fathom.....

Thought of changing my blog url... why you ask? Because my boss happened to read the posts dedicated to him (were nasty posts) . No use scrolling down searching for the posts, deleted them as a mark of my apology to him.
Then decided to change my url. First thought was that I dont wanna do it. I dont think I will. There is a curious peace when I see the old pink and brown page. Very pink as the guy bloggers would comment *smiling fondly*

Id once sworn Id never change. But today was showing my palm to a colleague who -she says- can read em. And there is a drastic change in the lines i was born with and my present lines. Figues, i thought. Have always wantd to do something myself.

Trying to find my sense o humour, trying to find my zest for life. Feel like crying sometimes. A lot of things went into making me the way I am today. Maybe a lot more confident, a lot more successful *now that is debatable* but I hate to see at the cost of me. Who am I to blame anybody, I lapped appreciation when I got it, hungered for more...

Wish I wasnt such a fool. Work happened and love happened. N now I know that all my efforts in both is not going to be fruitful. Trying so hard to be the same old me, not happening. But i dont think im gonna give up!

I was fabulous once... I will be again. *I hope*

This blog aint dead!!

2006-03-04T09:40:00.000-08:00

Ill be back*grins*

One year of blogdom

2005-12-21T10:36:00.000-08:00

I thought, last year, this time.... that when i finish a year of my blog, my baby... id have a 100 comments, all applauding, congratulating, complimenting .... on one year of survival, one year of beautiful writing. *smiles* And here I am. One year old...

Frankly, after the initial euphoria of public appreciation had worn off, digression: i rembr being jealous of purva s blog getting more comments... ahh well it was just not possible was it? This space has meant so much more... and now, well it seems to be the case everytime i choose to sit down and add another page to elixir... and now this blog has really lived up to its name, albeit unconsciously given. A drop of elixir, a drop of me, every page, every post....

This isnt the speech or the post of the winner... as anyone who cares to read will realise my blog is surviving, just about... it isnt bout finishing a year of blogging with the only comments being advertisments.... this isnt bout anything else but plain me doing wat i do best, jabbering.... making a mountain outta a molehill. Something, over the time ive realised ive tuned into a fine art.

Ive missed you, ive missed this me and im missing all my blogmates, all my friends.
Yeah, thats wat prompted me to blog in the first place.
Just a simple realisation of people who have never deserted me, been a part of who i am at my lively highest or pathetic lowest....

There is this guy i kno. All i asked him was to give me acall. No big deal rite? Nope, no big deal. But id asked him to give me a call like 4 months ago, if not earlier..... And till date he hasnt called. He puts it to a faulty memory. I was shit pissed at him.
Half way through my rant i realised, there are soo darned many people whose calls i dont return, let alone call them in the first place.
And the person who really really deserves an accolade is Vipul. So much so that his sms goes sumthing like... " u think u can call me? im in accute financial crisis" And that is wat at the end of the day made me get up and call the idiot. This one is for you vips.
And for you purv, *aah this mite as well b a thanks giving blog* for incesstantly givin missed calls.
And for krish, for always calling at the wrong time...
And Ajay for taking my shit and discounting it.
And shounak, who never has time to call during the day and insists on calling at 3 in the nite *grins*
And Rohini, who almost never calls
And Suderman who makes sure im updated on the latest event of his life, whether i like it or not...
And for Vrushu, who has never and will never read this post. But who i kno will always be there, and the knowledge is enough to keep me assured.
And the special guy ive grown to know and love, for worrying your head off everytime i fail to call or message or mail. I love u Abir.
And Shubhra, my painfully lovely sister, who when not given enough time plops rite bside me and demands my time....

Boy this is growing to be one big mean post.... but wat do i do... i have sooo darned many great friends.... people id do anything for, people id even give my jewellery for, id say life but im too selfish to miss their company even for them *grins, and cries*

Oh and everyone o u lovely people who will leave a comment and well.... for u :D

And oh this world is beautiful again!!!!

2005-10-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

How the fu*k is one supps to blog when he/she/it is cribbing...almost weak with hunger and the only thing that is keeping her alive is the french fries and juices she has.... huhhhh???
*grins*
I am....fasting! For Navraatri... first time ever!!!! N boy do I miss food!!!
I always knew i am a foodie, that i love to hog, and mayb, just mayb i was a sow my last birth coz thats all i do even this birth *wink*

Was shit depressed. Last few months... and why you ask? No reason, or mayb coz im in love.... *grins again, this time looking like a monkey wid a banana in her hand- ahem no pun* Im not sure bout the reason, but it was like everything looked gloomy, pessimistic to the core... dready and sad... aah the emotionally challenged even told me it aint fun talking to me anymore *dep sigh* now like it is a compliment to say i entertain someone, but... aah wat da heck!!

Whatever the reason.... people... MY DEAR SWEET BLOGGERS!!!!!!!!
I
AM
GLAD
TO
TELL
YOU ALL *increasing the length o my blog post - wink*
IM SOOO OUTTA IT!!!!!

i supps birthdays tend to have the effect on you... oh yeah people... it was my birthday last weekend...oct 2.
I accept and thank everyone who * U BETTER* leave birthday wishes and loadsa love in my comment box.
Errmmm also.. 21 gifts tend to umm make a person happy bout stuff?? *grinning again! Oh darn i jus mite have lost it finally*
Friends, relatives, a gorgeous sister :D
it isnt everyday that u complete 21 years of exciting existing * i see i havent lost my touch of alliteration*

I think ive had enough written for today, pardon my enthusiasm dearies.... for this world is a beautiful place yet again * grinning n not even caring if rocky (the dog) looking suspicious and on guard for so much teeth*

And haan...will write bout the navraatri fasting in da nxt post...

psst psst: Wish me belated birthday *final grin n signing off*

And I blog again...

2005-09-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

If i post this one now, it will be a feat accomplished.
Was blog surfing since yesterday, n boy is everything different or what?!

Some taking a break, some on with life as always...some (read erratica n soxy- romancing thru comments section)
I still am a lil shy.

I jus wanna cry!!! * ill chuck the formal stuff for someother time!!! THIS IS MY BLOG SPACE!!!!!!!!!!*
i wanna cry so bad that I just pour out - everything thats hurting, everything thats undone, everything that pains... forget - every person who breaks my trust, every one who is not there anymore, every memory that brings it all back...

I jus wanna start afresh! Is it too much to ask??? To go back to being innocently self centered, seeing things with rose tinted glasses, jus being full o myself that outside didnt affect my existance?? I suppose it is. Not mid life crisis, im too young for that! Or m i? Maybe i need a brain transplant?! Im thinking too much these days, getting to be too paranoid, too touchy, too everything!!!

It all begins from the beginning actually. When people dont know you. Everything is hunky dory...then slowly...when they get close to you, see more than the perfect facade of yours, see you react to situations...then it all starts, the surprise, the shock, the fact that the person is jus so different than what you thought him to be!! The person is jus human! I dont even know what shit im babbling...but what the heck, no freud is reading this anyways. I wish I understood myself, realised who I am and stuff...its getting too complicated. I dono wat is the real me? The laughing-attempts at pathetic jokes- goof or this..this crying, wimpy shrivelled up thing!

I miss me, the old me. But the new me is kinda exciting too. Jus as unpredictable, but like ayee says, negatively.... bless her soul. I wouldnt ever want a daughter like me, or a frd or a mate....

Guess m too screwd up rite now, its late in the night, need to sleep!

Disconnected

2005-09-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

There has been so many things going on... more like disconnected thoughts.
Im almost shy blogging again, jus like i was the first time *smiles*

Didnt have any inclination to write. I decided its too much pain anyways.And I dono...i jus didnt feel like it anymore. I didnt wanna write it down.I think beech mein i jus cudnt write, almost like lost the ability to pen a few words together.
There have been some maturity, some getting-to-know-myself situations, some eye-openers... but all so disconnected, different... i cant seem to write it down even.

I thought its the blog template. Lovely as it was, i dont think it was me. I dont think a lot of things these days is me. Changing- i always was anyways. Being different i always was, weird is the word lets call it eccentric to make it sound nicer.
Im restless these days, these days being some months now. I first thought it was work. Not getting time for stuff. But that aint true. Because I do have time and I dont utilise it well. Not like I was the epitome of productivity but now its plain worse. Musiq teacher calls every weekend asking why i dont go for the lessons anymore, friends call wanting to meet up, if not for a movie or something, jus a cuppa coffee and some chat, folks back home sulking coz i dont give time at home, and to add to all that, blog world beckoning. *smiles* its all very flattering. Theres nothing like being in demand to boost up your spirits. But I think it makes me feel worse.

Its kinda weird, writing again. I feel like a new comer again. Alien grounds. Maybe ill blog surf now, catch up on peoples life and woes. Because thats wat they all dont, dont they? At the end of the day, vent it all out. It was for me. An outlet. An expression.
Ally Mcbeal types. I kno i cant do it in reality, throw someone outta da window, i dont have da strength nor da heart to do it, but deriving satisfaction by playin it in my mind.
I was thinking today, small trivial things had such importance in my life once.. Is it me becoming more mature, too sophisticated now to pay attention to the little things that used to excite me once upon a time... or is it the fact that I now hve a new channel to direct it. I hope not.
Starting now, there is so much to say....so much to share, so much to pen down...

Rohini told me last week, "y stopped blogging shipra? It was one of the very few good things you do and do well" *smiles in nostalgia* I missed you, blog dearest. And missed the ego stroking comments too. Here rohini, this post is for you. For all the times we spent together. I really miss you and purv and blogging and blogger pals
And me.
And this is how I feel.
Disconnected...

Bloody office politics!!!!!!!!

2005-08-12T23:22:00.000-07:00

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD VENTING OUT OF FRUSTRATION TO BRING PEOPLE BACK TO BLOGGING!!!!!!!!

Id thought I wont blog, I thought id let this one rest. Working and living is becoming all the more difficult these days. All those people who said work aint a joke were not bloody whiners!!!! It was true!!!!!! It is fuqing difficult to work!!!!! It isn’t like my 2 months hiatus has been uneventful *which I had figured would be the case* and I have nothing to write about. These days I have got a frd I vent it out to. Not a friend really, I dono whr its going…neways that isn’t wat the post is bout.

Its bout fuqing office politics. Mine is not a very large giant of a company, it is small with its own set of people, nice people if you may…but recently its changed. There is poison and one upmanship all over the place, like a colleague-Rubal said negativity in the air. Now look here, tomorrow I am goin out on a holiday, its Saturday and is an official day off…but two of the bitches working wid me plan to go to work. WHY you ask??? To lick the shit outta my bosses ass!! That’s why.

I was always taught to work hard and let the results speak for emselves. Politics of any sort ive never been engaged in…I wont get into this shit too. There is this one new recruit who is the root cause. Stirring trouble all over the place…sucking up to the boss….
Yeah yeah I know wat the standard reply is…all of you have been there, done that and all I can do is watch my ass.
FU*K!!I feel like jus dissing the whole page away. Unnecessary complications in life. I admit ive hankerd after adventures in the past. Made washing jeans and gymming to be a big feat accomplished. N now I kno that people don’t blog when they are getting big feats accomplished. *MAN WAT CRAP M I WRITING ANYWAYS!!!!!*
It is spinning outta control, the work place. Well I think ill just let it. It isn’t my call anyways, it isn’t my prerogative to maintain harmony and “bhai chara” at work. Ill let my boss do the shit or not if he doesn’t wanna.

What I will do in the meantime I think is sit back and watch the play unfold. It also begins wid the subtlest of the hints, that sumthing is going outta balance and the balance needs to be restored. Just a feeling that something just isn’t right. And then the feeling gains ground and hardens into a full blown mess…it isn’t like it is messy already. But holds great promise of being shit messy. I dono y people do it anyways… mayb to hide our own insecurity, our own weaknesses. Happening in my firm. A new recruit is stirring trouble. Well neways…

Me going to Goa for the weekend tomorrow…will keep posting on the venom and the pain spreading around…for now need to work FROM HOME!!

There is God!!!!

2005-06-29T04:30:00.000-07:00

I never proclaimed that being single till ur 20 is sumthing to be proud of. Not like you can do something about it. If you are the conventional types. I WAS the conventional types. But then…one day I decided enough was enough.

Happened a month ago.
Decided whether to blog about it. Then decided against it. Then my friend askd me why I didn’t write about it. Then I decided to take a hiatus from blogging. Now finally I figure its about time I sling some mud on the “FRIEND” who broke my heart*exaggeration*

Digression (primalsoup style): Coming back to blogging I realized what a heady feeling it is. Time away was to do some thinking. I was soo buzy living, id stopped living completely. Was being soo full of myself that my ego and my self centeredness was spilling outta my blog in2 the real world. So I had to stop and take charge. Not just the blog but everything else too. Didn’t work. Too bad. Ill leave deep writings for some other post. SEEEEEEE!!! Two weeks o introspection n absodamnlutely no effect. This is gonna piss me off too. But later!! All sodding stuff later!!!!

Anyways…I was saying, I am a perfectly normal human being. ANDD liking a guy is a part of normality. What isn’t normal…actually it is, but I thought it wasn’t…not normal-normal but conventional-normal. Too many people do it these days. Gurls I mean. Tell a guy she digs him. Makes sense actually. Coz if the guy digged u right bak, he would say or do sumthing bout it rite!!?? But no. Since it is not happening. Mite as well take the initiative yourself. Era of feminism n liberation of women and all that shit.

So I decided to spice up my concocted-in-mind-non-existent love life by deciding to have a crush on a friend. Well it isn’t as bad as it sounds. I didn’t think and decide that the person is gonna be my next infatuation or sumthing. Aaahhh. It is getting worse, my explanation. So ill chuck it.

CHAPTER I
A friend, a GOOD friend (now the good is in bold and caps not because he is more than a friend but a very close friend and later do you realize why I stressed on the goodness. *rolling eyes*) came down to India for his vacations. And I*ashamed now* was infatuated by him. The last statement is making me defensive. But I wont defend myself or anything. I bet everyone goes through these phases. And he is a smart, intelligent and nice guy. Not very studly…but then theek hi hai abhi, u can't have everything. But as it turned out you can't have a decent response to the first tentative proposal of your life. One would expect more from a good friend. SIGH!!

So almost a month after he came down, I decided after too much deliberations and a lot o coaxing from a colleague (Christine) that I should tell him how I feel before he leaves for states or id have lost the chance till the next time he comes and who knows if by then…one year is a long time *jeez I am sounding like femme fatale!!!!*

And I collected my courage one day and told him on the phone that I THINK I am developing a huge HUGE crush on him. Waited with bated breath for his reaction. And…ANDDDDDD!!!!!! He laughed. HE LAUGHED!!!!!!! *the nerve of the ass like he gets such statements 10 a day*

Him: hehe, how much do you know me anyways?!
Me: Yeah I know, I am a fool.*muttering under my breath*
Him: no, you are cute.
Cute??!!!??CUTE???!!!! yeah rite!!
Me:*still persistant* cute?? Isn’t there something you should say?? Like no, ships u don’t like me or sumshit. You just gobbled it and sit quiet.
Him: what do you want me to say?? I knew it already.
I left the matter. If anything I didn’t expect him to be chilled about it. I was almost embarrassed. I can't be soo transaparent. At least being a good *the good from the bold and caps above comes in question comes here*. A friend would mean you react suitably surprised and flattered and flustered. What with this being my first admission of infatuation, I expected my friend to be more considerate and react appropriately. But no!! I was gonna get a supremely smug reaction of “I already knew it"

That was chapter one. Chapter two is worse. And here is where I show what an ass he really is and how the villain broke my heart.

CHAPTER II
He knows a gurl since 5 years. Since before I knew him. He doesn’t know her, know her. He’d jus met him once before for God’s sake. I knew that he would like to get to know her better. He found her interesting. All that I knew I admit. I was a friend before naa. It was recently that I had more than friendly feelings for him *or not!!*

When he came down this time, he decided he will meet her. I, yes people it was I who told him, encouraged him even, to go meet her. She wasn’t ready, but I asked her to be persistant. Finally she agreed to meet him.

And this pig tells me about it. Some thing like this is the conversation.
Me: *morose* how did it go??
Him: *pepped up* oh it was nice!! She is very nice. I would like to meet her again. Get to know her.
(oh and btw, did I fail to mention that she has a boyfriend already?? YES!! She is seeing someone already and he still wants to “get to know her better” HURMP!!)
ME:*feigning excitement* good for u, r u meeting her again? * heart beating 130 a minute*
Him: hehe yeah. She didn’t want to. But she wants a book that I have. I told her if she wants the book, she has to meet me.
*duh!!!! Ofcourse she doesn’t wanna meet. She has a guy already. But I was still empathetic n all, I decided if not mine but at least his love life should go somewhere. SIGH. DOUBLE SIGH!!! I supported him all along*

just before he leaves he messages me saying he is going to meet her that day and will profess his interest in her.

All would have been fine if I hadn’t liked him liked him…Worse was me had told him bout it and the pig discusses his lovelife with ME of all people. Then has the nerve of asking me if I was alright about it.

Alls well that ends well…the gurl didn’t meet him, he didn’t confess anything, I was glad- ashamed about how happy I was- but still glad.

OH THERE IS GOD!!!! *grin*

Off blogging for a while...

2005-06-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ponderings Anyone??

2005-06-13T04:44:00.000-07:00

It rainedyesterday. At around 3 in the night. Was alseep but woke up. Surprising, its not everytime that once gone to theland of dreams, do I wake up. But it was the smell of the wet mud. Sounds cliched, wet mud, streaks of water, tapping of the drops on the window shade,
but romantic it is. And nostalgic.

Was sitting there till it was early morning. On the window sill. Leaning out, just. Only the feet and outstretched hands would get wet. There were drops which would fall on the grills and then bounce back on my face. Just a slight nip in the air, not uncomfortable but not cozy either. Something about it and my state of mind. Thinking, feeling, contemplating, nostalgic. It wasnt the desolate feeling that creeps in when alone, it wasnt the lonely feeling, the heavy feeling that settles around the heart, it was the hopeful kinds. It was the realisation that everything is beautiful and lovely, amazing and full of wonder, never ending and forever etched somewhere. Albeit in my memory.

The sky was reddish purple, there were crows sitting under the cover of the palm trees in the compound. Reminded me of my childhood. Took me back to me in class 3. Monsoons, june july. We would play antakshari and pappa would sing. Tell us ghost stories which would freak me out. And shubhra would make silly noises. It was when I understood the truth about fear both palpable and unconscious. And about Manna Dey and shama songeet and nazrool giti. We would be laughing when Maa would sing. And try sing in tune with pappa;s baritone.

There would be no electricity inthe nights. Wasnt needed too. There was breeze, the curious air that blows when it rains. We used to sit on the window sill. Me n my sister. And giggle and flail our limbs, hands outstretched palms cupped. Competing who would gather the most drops. Me used to cheat. I used to hold da palm under the shade where water would gather. And then splash it on her. And then we would start fighting. Because she would cry saying the water is dirty. Lol, was true *smiles*
All this in candle light, inverters as a concept hadnt arrived at my humble village. There was something about doing stuff in candle light i think, which gives my memories a surreal tint. I remember golden glow and cold air. We couldnt do our homework because there was no electricity. Pappa wouldnt let us. So we would do whole lot of other stuff. All sitting on the window sill.

Our neighbour, Mary Aunty would buy bread, no, not bread, its called paav. And the paav wala would come every evening. Sell Paav and eggs. And his arrival would be marked by the ringing of his cycle bell. Around 8ish. One nite it was raining heavy. And we were as usual getting bored with just the water works. No pun. We rang our cycle bell, twice, just the way the Paav wala would do. And as expected, Mary Aunty called out..."paav wala, ek dozen paav dena". I remember giggling so hard and for so long, couldnt seem to stop. Seemed like we would die laughing. But couldnt laugh loud, because like us Mary Aunty would also sit by the window. *smiles* How would the paav wala come? It was raining so heavy that night.

Make paper boats, throw them down. Competition was to see whose paper boat would remain upright. Mine never did. Was always sad at origami. Again I would cheat. Tie a thread to the sail of my boat and thow it down. Shubhra is smart if nothing else, and learns quick. She would throw pebbles in my boat. making it sink. And again we would fight.
Making craft with the melted candle wax. Drop melted wax in water and it hardens immediately. We would buy coloured candles for that. And then stick those frozen pallets on paper. Make apples, birds and then stick it up on the dart board.
And then skools would be shut due to heavy rains. Cooped up at home the whole day, we would give missed calls to our neighbours sleeping in the noon. Climb trees and play ghar ghar during summers. Gang up wid kids from other buildings and play cricket. I would never want to field. Always bat. And thats why they would never let me bat first. Coz of obvious reasons. I wouldnt field after i was out.

Life can never get back to that can it? Everything was NOT perfect. But then there was something so pure almost pious about the times then. And now...sitting again at the window sill. Almost 12 years later. Nothings changed, everythings changed...

The only difference is, then I was making memories... now I cherish them...

My experience of life... Part II

2005-06-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

flavours13: ohhh....
a_drop_of_elixir: yeah
flavours13: n do u go to the farms with ur dad????
a_drop_of_elixir: nahi, my cuz does
flavours13: n do u milk cows???
a_drop_of_elixir: my family aint in2 farming
a_drop_of_elixir: yes, i can milk a cow
a_drop_of_elixir: i can even midwife da birth o calfs
a_drop_of_elixir: sumthing like cameron diaz in charlies angels
a_drop_of_elixir: I brought GANGA in2 this world
flavours13: eooowww
a_drop_of_elixir: no no!! dont b disgusted my friend
flavours13: eowwwwwwwwww
flavours13 : its gross.....i saw dat on discovery
flavours13 : do u know what that is?
a_drop_of_elixir : no
flavours13: the discovery???
a_drop_of_elixir: ohh
flavours13: cuz u only seem to watch amche whateva!
a_drop_of_elixir : aamchi maati aamchi mansa, its marathi
a_drop_of_elixir: i dono y ppl think its such a big deal
a_drop_of_elixir :we have cows here, tigers prowl at nites
flavours13 : oh ok
a_drop_of_elixir :wolves whine...its almost da same
a_drop_of_elixir :no1 ever filmed US
flavours13: realllyYyyy???
a_drop_of_elixir :ofcourse whr do u think all da veggies in da burgers come frm??
a_drop_of_elixir : my uncle’s farm!!!
flavours13: ohhhh....i thought the mc's had their own way of test tube veggies or sumthin!
a_drop_of_elixir :no
flavours13 : i didnt know they had to go to the gaon to get it
a_drop_of_elixir : they dont come silly, trucks do
a_drop_of_elixir :big big boxes on wheels
flavours13 : aaahhhhhh
a_drop_of_elixir : when saraswati saw a truck for da first time...
flavours13 : saraswati??
a_drop_of_elixir : saraswati is my neighbour
a_drop_of_elixir : bubbly 10 yr old
a_drop_of_elixir : she thought its armageddon
flavours13: hahahahhahahhahahahha
a_drop_of_elixir : lol
a_drop_of_elixir : gime a min here brb
flavours13 : k
flavours13 : phirrrrrrrrrrr???
a_drop_of_elixir : ahem
a_drop_of_elixir : so whr was i
a_drop_of_elixir : haan, saraswati
a_drop_of_elixir : she came running 2 me
a_drop_of_elixir : im da expert when it comes 2 foreign stuff, city studying you see
flavours13 : (hahahhahaha) hmmmm
a_drop_of_elixir : so she came runnign 2 me
flavours13 : very pardesi u must b
a_drop_of_elixir : yes
a_drop_of_elixir : sumtimes they treat me like im an outsider
a_drop_of_elixir : that hurts i mean... i mite study thr n all
flavours13 : awwww.. hahahahahahehehe
a_drop_of_elixir : phir bhi
a_drop_of_elixir : n now tell me rahul….r u like really laughing or jus plain "hahahahahaha"??
flavours13 : am on the floor
a_drop_of_elixir : oh get up!!!
a_drop_of_elixir :hamare yahan, to be on da floor is 2 respect elders
a_drop_of_elixir : u lay prostrate on da floor, ur mark o respect 2 da elders
a_drop_of_elixir : n im younger 2 u naa
flavours13 : hahahahahhahah
a_drop_of_elixir : i cant take that much honour, jus NOT YET
flavours13: wah wah.....
a_drop_of_elixir : yeah
a_drop_of_elixir : my rural upbringing
flavours13: duh!
flavours13: but....u didnt tell me....what happ to saraswati??/
a_drop_of_elixir : oh yeah, she was like spell bound
a_drop_of_elixir : n heart running, 120 a minute
a_drop_of_elixir : palpitations!!! i thought she;d pass out
a_drop_of_elixir : then i explaind
flavours13 : hahahhahahaha
a_drop_of_elixir : "thr r all sizes" sum r big, sum r small
a_drop_of_elixir : sum have cover, n sum ppl prefer big ones
a_drop_of_elixir : more satisfaction!!
flavours13 : what were u talkin bout???
a_drop_of_elixir : n well small 1 is...
a_drop_of_elixir : i thought id teach her lessons of life also, wid da analogy being vehicles
flavours13 : now i know y most of the kidz frm gaon neva make it big !
flavours13 : well there r exceptionz....like tabu!
flavours13 : i guess thaz cuz she had a pardesi papa!
a_drop_of_elixir :cmon
a_drop_of_elixir : ppl here dont have exposure 2 stuff
a_drop_of_elixir : hmm yeah
flavours13 : n u neva told me.......what do u do weekendzzzz/
a_drop_of_elixir : weekends...
a_drop_of_elixir : we have melas, thr we have fairys wheel
a_drop_of_elixir : n horse ride n cow rides
flavours13 : is der where u "hangout" wid ur palz???
a_drop_of_elixir : yes, it’s the gaon;s background, farms mein
flavours13 : hahahahahah
a_drop_of_elixir : wid a lil bit o knowledge bot things, gurls n guys meet thr chupke se
flavours13 : n they make out too?
a_drop_of_elixir :ofcourse not, not YET
flavours13 : then whennnn????
a_drop_of_elixir : i havent reachd that part o gyaan yet, soon
a_drop_of_elixir : n i plan 2 have live bands n all u kno
a_drop_of_elixir : dhol n shehnai
flavours13 : ohhh ok
a_drop_of_elixir : dholi taro kinda music
flavours13 : hahahahhahahahaahha
a_drop_of_elixir : or mayb more softer ones
flavours13 : rotfl
a_drop_of_elixir : so that when ppl r making out...
flavours13 : goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
flavours13 : stoppppppp!!!!!!!
flavours13 : hahahahhahahhaa
a_drop_of_elixir: lol
a_drop_of_elixir: kya hua??

He…people had enough!!!

My experience of life... Part I

2005-06-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

Living in the suburbs of Mumbai, the conversation I had with a friend. Now this friend I might add lives in lokhandwala which is supps to be pretty hep as against me who travels in local trains and lives in the not so hep part o the city *two kinds words of empathy would do me good here*

flavours13: i've neva been there b4!! whatz the plc like??/
a_drop_of_elixir: totally picturesque
a_drop_of_elixir: n unlike my classmates think...we DO get electricity here n i dont have 2 go 2 a lake wid matka 2 fill water
flavours13: do u have tv??
a_drop_of_elixir: hehe nope. We all gang up at da panchayat offcie 2 watch aamchi maati n aamchi mansa at 7 in da evening n chitrahaar at 8
flavours13: whatz dat????
a_drop_of_elixir: its sum documentry that used 2 air in door darshan when i was in class 1 wid all farmers n all
flavours13: hahahahhahahah
flavours13: do ppl there know what mc donalds is???
a_drop_of_elixir: they dont
flavours13: realllyyyyyyyyy????????????
a_drop_of_elixir: ofcourse ppl here kno mc donalds
flavours13: do u have one???
a_drop_of_elixir: no we don’t but we have aamchi maati aamchi mansa
a_drop_of_elixir: my bedroom window faces a chotu hill n a pond n a crematorium
flavours13: u must b the smartest kid on the block eh??? knowin english n all!
a_drop_of_elixir: ohh yeah!! I am the smartest
flavours13: do u have cars there????
a_drop_of_elixir: no we travel by bullock cartsso a snail mail is delivered only sundays
flavours13: =))
a_drop_of_elixir: every week n that too, thr is no access n all
a_drop_of_elixir: so our postman keeps it at da "panchayat office" n we have 2 go collect it
a_drop_of_elixir: i do it every evening walk my calf her name is GANGA
flavours13: hahahahahhahah
a_drop_of_elixir: n yeah...wid me knowing English n all im like treated like a princess i get ribbons when i score well in exams
flavours13: aahhhh....n then u must go bak home frm coll n tell them all how the vada pav has civilized to b burgers in the city, hai na?
a_drop_of_elixir: yes. i tell ppl da stories n kids listen 2 me wide eyed. i tell them of big big cities n zooming cars n mc donalds n barista
a_drop_of_elixir: n ppl wonder y 2 pay for coffee if u can make em at home
flavours13 : lolzzzz
a_drop_of_elixir: n i tell em bout guys...who gel their hair… n da old ladies say…oiling hair has da same effect
flavours13 : hahahahhaahah
a_drop_of_elixir : hehe
flavours13 : n temme bout the chickz dere!
flavours13 : i so wanna know!
a_drop_of_elixir : tell me I am supercool!!
flavours13 : u're da best!
flavours13 : am sure u'll grow up to b their head!
a_drop_of_elixir : now that uve pleased me...ill tell u bout da gaon ki goris
a_drop_of_elixir : they cud give vidhisha pavate a run for her money
a_drop_of_elixir : dont get me rong..i dont sit n ogle at em but they r real beauties...
a_drop_of_elixir : big big flowers in da hair
flavours13: n wait… i also wanna know bout the one who getz pregnant by sum pardesi.... n hez gone away…
a_drop_of_elixir: oh her...poor gurl
flavours13: hhahahahahahh
a_drop_of_elixir: her name is .... shardha. sweet gurl she is
a_drop_of_elixir: my mom was not sure if i should go 2 da city 2 study u kno...wat if i fell in love wid da sheher ka ladka like sharda…
a_drop_of_elixir: so then...thr was this mean guy frm da town no less
flavours13: reallllyyyyy/?
a_drop_of_elixir: who came 2 photograph da village n she fell in love wid him
a_drop_of_elixir: n da swine...da lusty pig
a_drop_of_elixir: it was like ...wats da movie...: zeenat aman n sashi kapoor
flavours13: satyam shivam sundaram!
a_drop_of_elixir: poor shardha..she didnt even kno having sex leads 2 babies
flavours13: she didn’t know sex leads to babies!!?
flavours13: rotflmao
a_drop_of_elixir: it was sooooo tragic
a_drop_of_elixir: hamare yahan...naa, talkin bout sex n all...real taboo!!!
a_drop_of_elixir: usmein my familyis a bit open 2 all. i come 2 da city naa...2 study
a_drop_of_elixir: so its me...who gives ppl da truth bout birds n bees
flavours13: phirr?? Phirr kya hua??
a_drop_of_elixir: phir shardha went nuts. now she runs at da highwayafter every car...
a_drop_of_elixir: screaming
a_drop_of_elixir: BABUJEEEE BABUJEEEEEEEE
a_drop_of_elixir: real sad i tell u
flavours13: phirr sharda ka kya hua?
flavours13: n the babies???
a_drop_of_elixir: she fell n scraped her knee
flavours13: she leavez them at the day care eh??? Twins??
a_drop_of_elixir: them?? they were no twins. they were triplets!!!
flavours13: fuck!!! Lmao!!!
a_drop_of_elixir: n we dont have a day care here, silly
a_drop_of_elixir: they now living in da panchayat office
flavours13: ohhhh....
a_drop_of_elixir: babbu, dabbu n tabbu
flavours13: their names??
a_drop_of_elixir: yeah. bright kids
flavours13: aahhhh...isnt the last one who grew up to be an actress???
a_drop_of_elixir: but shardha still runs after da cars
a_drop_of_elixir: yes yes n then ppl realised she has an elder sis
a_drop_of_elixir: babujee's legal child , FARA
flavours13: ohhhhh
flavours13: hahahahahhahaha
a_drop_of_elixir: anything else u wanna kno?? i need 2 log out at 12. electricity chala jata hai at 12
flavours13: hahahahahhaha
flavours13: its 12:5 now
a_drop_of_elixir: oh hamare yahan time zones r a lil flexible
a_drop_of_elixir: so a lil more time wat wid me being da wizkid n all...they give me concessions
flavours13: ohhh....

Psst: the next half next post :P

Taggie doing rounds.

2005-06-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ive been tagged twice…once by Soxy and then by Divs, frankly I didn’t know what it was all about. Chain mail…its like chain mail…but fun hai…toh I decided breaking all rules and *ahem* principles Pay attention SOxy n Divs and just indulging in stupidity, n since there were two both of different kinds, I decided to fill in both or whatever…

SOxy’s taggie was on movies…was really simple…so I like his…I like divs too,

Here goes…

Films I own: here is where I break down n weep. I have two weeks notice, I have unbreakable, dil chata hai,andaz apna apna,

om jai jagdish in my defence…I got it free with the sony musiq system, santoshi maa belongs to my amma,
you;ve got mail, Mona Lisa smile, aitraaz (got it as a gift, yeah yeah the priyanka chopra, akshay kumar, kareena wala) yeah that’s bout it.

2.Last film I bought:
like SOXY said, ive not bought a single film, but I too paid 150 bucks to watch kingdom of heaven *puke* lol I didn’t, my boss did, his treat to us for getting married, him not us.

3.Five films that I watch a lot or mean something to me:
-Andaz Apna apna
-Dilwale Dulhaniya le jayenge
-top gun- this is the mean a lot to me slotted movie
-Anything and everything they air on HBO, Star Movies, Zee Studio is it?? The one that was MGM pehle…star Gold, star plus…star this….star that…

The THREE THINGS post is pretty stupid, but wth I like it coz here I get to talk bout me!!!
Three names you go by:
Shipra
Ships, shiproo, shipu, citra…(trust me sum ppl have no respect for your name!!)
Elixir

Three screen names you have had:
Well well well…if I jus wanted people to pm me on yahoo or msn, id display my mail id and my yahoo profile, oh but a game is a game…*wink*

Currently I am on a_drop_of_elixir HUNKY, SEXY guys take the hint or the id rather ;)

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. My hair
2. My smile
3. my style (not really but it goes well wid the previous word )

Three physical things that you dont like abt yourself:
1. my feet
2. my butt
3. my ears

Three parts from your heritage:
1.Apparently thr is sum bong blood in my ancestry
2. My nanis gold n solitaire necklace which apparently goes to the eldest daughter of the next gen, na na nana na naaaaa
3. Brains…I guess…

Three things that scare you:
1. Tall guys
2. Lizards
3. Mom (naaahhh!!)

Three of your everyday essentials:
1.internet/ phone
2.food
3. deodorant (cmon I travel in Mumbai locals huh!!)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1.Cotton Pjs
2.junk jewellery…(no they don’t go along wid payjamas but wat the heck, I am an cough independent female who defines her own fashion sense *or not!!!*)
3. ketchup stains on the pjz.

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. love
2. lust (hehe, id written sex, I feel so daring!!! I am having breezer, I don’t think u get drunk on that…)
3. forever after…

Two truths and one lie(need not be in order specified)
Ive had a crush on a guy for 12 yrs
I (still) think he is hunky
I am sexy

Three things in the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1.sense o humour
2.Sarcasm…
3.boyish maturity…orwatever it is…

Three things i want to do really badly right now:
nothing really, I mean I had to go 2 the loo, but now I am done…is my blog getting a bit too unsophisticated??

Three careers you are considering
umm I dono, something in HR,
Consulting, teaching *God help the kids then* writing perhaps…

Three places where i want to go on a vacation to:
1.Udupi
2. Greece
3. Damn this third choice is really bugging now…errmmm oh yeah I kno, Dalhousie, my boss is gone thr for his honeymoon, hehe ;-)

Three kids names that u like
baapi, mishty, babu

Three things you want to do before you die:

Three things eh?? Three is a lil too less, but most imp o em r….
1.have a boyfriend
2.tell everyone I love em, personally
3.uff….bas, I jus wanna do two things outta the million oh no…I wanna adopt a kid.

Three people who u want to take this quiz:
oh any sodding ppl who r having writers block rite now , take it, don’t take….live happy!!

There…I am done. Now whoever wants to take this up is welcome…I don’t wanna fwd it to anyone. But if anyone wants to take it up…u have been tagged!! But jus mention it in your taggie thing…that it was yours truly’s tag that did it *wink*

All the load...

2005-06-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

Life these days have been rocking. Catching up on life and beauty sleep. Meeting skool friends, going shopping, movies…and made me think…
And I think that im lonely. Its not like im alone. Im always surrounded by people. Nice people. People who are more than eager to show their affection, their love, the fact that they care. But does that make me feel nice??
Momentary gratification, yes. But not after the wisp of da moment disappears in the air. Like a curling smoke.
So im lonely and what do I do to counter that?? I reach out further. Meeting new people. More people, Strangers. Join activity groups, some hobby class…Anything, everything to get outta the loving death grip of familiar people. People who “care”. Some kinda twisted logic u think?? Nope. It isn’t. And I using my brilliant deductive logic have figured out what exactly is the connection.

Its not like I don’t like people. I genuinely love them. More people, many people. Crowds, masses, groups where there are acquaintances, strangers, always plural. The more, the merrier. But always people who are outside my life and outside the line. The line that divides people with mild curiosity and indifference in my life from people with active participation in my life and da events happening in it. People you crack jokes with and laugh till your bus arrives. People who just ask hows life not caring about your answer. People who are not interested in your life.
A polite smile, an indifferent nod, and just that. No more. No interference. Strangers. Those who know nothing bout me. Where im new, a non entity. Anonymous. Where I am who I say I am. Where I am what I do. But human tendency is to attach. Know more, see more, talk more. So much more that they wanna attach a name to you, then a face then a voice. So that eventually they end up being a part of your little life. Part of me. And then again I go searching for new places and things. A clean slate.

I don’t think I want closeness. I don’t think I want attachment, trust, love even. Because they disappoint. let me down. Each and everytime. No im not an optimist. Just a fool, I reach out again and again and again. Just to be scorched again. To be disappointed again. So shouldn’t I be wiser?? And keep to myself? *smiles* I think im a masochist.
Selfless love, total acceptance, genuine understanding. I doubt if they exist. Or maybe they do and it is just me who don’t have faith in them. They bind, they attach, they make you stay. They make you give. I don’t wanna give. i wanna move on. I need to move on. Meeting new people, new stuff, new adventure. Because im tired of the same ol things, routine and drama. They grate on my nerves after sumtime. Irritate, the the burr under the saddle. Constant itching. Till I need respite and I go out again seeking new things, a new world where I can start afresh.

But I don’t sever relations. Im not heartless. No. im not bad. I take memories along. Pictures, memorabilia, mementos…because even though I want to get out of that life, I want to take along their smiles, the things they used. How much I hoard I realized time and again in the recent events. The essay and drawing book, my first crush’s eraser, losing the message archive(which I never read) in Yahoo coz I reinstalled it after FB was formatted, my cell phone that had numbers of people who I will never meet again.
“did u read the messages stored in ur archive??”
“why do u need the numbers and email ids of people who are not present in ur life anymore?? And you can always have the contact details of people who are”
I don’t need them per se. But then they are my memories. People I met, things I shared with people who most probably will never meet again. People who touched me in some way and made me different. At least for a moment.
How I wish people I knew didn’t read my blog. Because they bind. They restrict. They know. They react. And their reaction affects.
I feel sad on losing things. When something breaks. Because its another memory gone. Another moment lost till my fickle mind remembers and links it to something. And I know those moments are few. Very few. and I am never gonna get em back. Again. Ever.
I have a hard time letting go of a relationship. The person im not sure I love. But someone I think of everyday. No longer in my life. I cant seem to accept that people move on and that there are many beautiful people in my life now than were six months ago. I could write the date and the time too, but im too ashamed at my pathetic need to hang on to him.

So it is the memories I cherish. The songs, the talks, the words…
And so I go on. Everyday. Behaving like everything is okie and normal. But secretly storing. Storing and sorting. All the information that goes into my memories. To be thought of when im staring out of a train. Sitting in a rick. Being alone. And hoard I do. To keep me company. Because people are too silly to have around. Memories are more beautiful. over the period of time, they go out of focus and you make up things and colours and time to fill in the patches, so that it is tailor made for a certain mood. Laughter, fun, tragedy, pain, smile, people….i move around with them all the time...

Im waiting for the day I get tired of moving on and the day I will want to stay. At one place. Forever.

I feel like a rant!!

2005-05-30T03:36:00.000-07:00

I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE!!! This...THIS goody goody life!!!! *contorting face to look frustrated*
uff...and for that I think I am going to rant. About anything!! About everything!!!
These are the times my folks dread. I don’t blame them either. Its just that there is nothing happening in life that is exciting which is pissing me off. Life is getting stagnant. Stagnant nahi…I might be even regressing. Now this is shitty aint it!!! Nothing new is happening. Everything is going just smooth. My life is picture perfect *urrgggghhhh*

And it really isn’t. Picture perfect I mean. There are those small things I don’t pay attention to just because I am too happy to bother with them. Yes people 24*7!!! Yes I kno…I could give my dog diabetes with my oh-so-amazing-it-is perception of life. Candy sweet, rozy glasses n such shit.
And so the shitty mood that I am in,I am gonna whine. Whine?? No not whine. Scream, screech, rant. About all the sad things, irritating technology, friends who ditch you and the fact that looking pretty aint easy!!!

Like right now, I decided I will get a Tag Board installed. And I did get it installed. But then I wont get the desired colour. So now that is wat it is. Some stupid colour pink.

Speaking of pink, my office building is pink too. Now this is the limit. And I changed my template. Not because I was sick of pink, (psst actually I was, but id b damned if I admit it loud to the glee of my guy frds who detest pink) there are still traces of silly gurlie pink in my stupid blog ….but coz my profile n archive n fav list wud go rite in the bottom of the page. It was okie till I wanted to add the tag board.
Now I dono how good the taggie thingy will work. But then I don’t even know if people will just scroll down to pen a nice few words about my dumb blog. SOOO I had to have the rest of the shit up beside my posts. And so the change in the template.

It aint like the template is not good or sumthing. But like IJ said, its too plain. There is excess of nothing but words. Now again I have to go looking for sum lessons in HTML to make my blog look a lil life like. Some people liked my template…so I think ill just stuff it.

Enough crying about how technology is such a royal pain in the @$$. It is different matter that I am a techietard. But whoever said venting out your frustrations have to be done in a just and fair manner??!!

Next I am going to talk about how I wake up these days. Rocky-my dog, now knows I wake up at around 7 in the morn. And he has, it seems, decided since my snooze clock and my stupid cell phone is not enough to wake the sleeping beauty, he will do the honours. And how pray tell me does he do that?? By licking my face. that is how I wake up in the mornings. With doggy drool all over my face and neck. It is his love and affection says maa. *rolling eyes* these days I tell you, it aint as simple to get a dog and expect him to flatter your ego. Big sad eyes and a lolling tongue. BAH gone are those days when going to my aunts would mean have her dog tail you. No pun.
Rocky doesn’t want me to hug n pet him when I feel like it. He wants it done when HE is in the mood. *rolling eyes with an exaggerated sigh* Talk of being pricey.

Ha…pricey reminds me of purva. She is in town these days. Me in my sweetly innocent way made a lot of plans on how we were to spend our time with her. Rohini, purv and me. But it turns out madam purv has her plans already…AND THOSE…if I might add, do not include us. Oh I don’t delude myself by thinking I am the center of the universe for all and sundry but her plans…hold your breath…include showing her pune pals the city of Mumbai. Yes people, she plans to spend her meager holiday time in Mumbai being with the people she lives with in pune. Talk of friends…
I told her that. It rankled obviously. And smart n sassy that she is…she turned the tables on me by sounding hurt and disappointed. Saying 3 years ought to count for some trust.
Finally I did go visit her the whole of Sunday…my precious Sunday, only the working people will know how much Sunday is cherished. N I aint even well. Hurmp!!!!

Ive got bad cold. And it would have been okie if things were only till that!! But I got my nose pierced a fortnite ago. Ahem It looks mega sexy and darned ethnic. Also I take this opportunity to tell that my mom comin bak frm blore got me a solitaire stud. Which winks like a star when it catches light *lil jig like joey does*
Hmm so since I got my nose pierced, I need to be extra careful of women who in their over eager need of expressing, gesticulate. At times even I have narrowly avoided collision of my hands wid my nose. Now in all this, I land up wid a horrid cold and terrible cough. It gets so darned yucky. Blowing and wiping your nose. This is one instance I didn’t foresee while listing the pros and cons of piercing my nose.
Anyways, I in my always-optimistic way know that colds don’t last, but sexy looks do. And my gold nose ring sure looks sexy.

Lol. Look at my pathetic condition…nothing happening in my life has reduced my blog post to talks of pierced nose and snot!!! I think I just mite be tempted to hook up with some loser just to get sum excitement in life. Yeah, its that bad!!!

Something analogous
Masochist *whining, begging, pleading*: gimme pain, hurt me, insult me!!!!!!
Sadist *wid an evil grin*: he he nope. I won’t!!

My Silence

2005-05-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

And i have this page open since half hour and I dont know what I have to write about. No, I dont suppose this is writer's block. Simply because it is not that i cant think of what to write...but coz i dont feel like writing.

Now the most obvious question would be so why do I bother?? Lol, announcing that there are my beautiful people who read my blogs and I cant disappoint them would be me blowing my own trumpet, so would calling myself sexy and beautiful...
I wouldnt have to blow my own trumpet if somebody else did it for me. But then no one else will and a gurl has to do what a gurl has to do.
And that is precisely what i am doing...no, no!! Not praising myself (though i very well can!! coz this is my blog n all that shit, but i wont. Notice my modesty and my humble nature )i would have completed the statement but I kinda forgot what i was gonna say. So I will stuff it till the time when it comes back to me.

And this is precisely what my problem is says a friend. He in his im-too-brilliant-for-my-pants style told me the other that speech is silver...but silence, honey, is gold. I didnt utter a word simply because saying anything would mean he is right and id be damned if id help him in proving him rite. So i stayed mum. Errmm if i were really true to myself and there is just one place I am true to myself...no it aint my blog, but the loo. (offtrack: I think it does sound nice huh saying when Im going outta subject neways...i was talking about philosophising in the loo So here goes :Ships Gyaan - Loo not only answers nature's call but spiritual call as well. that was shitty, pun intended!! )
So i was saying...being true to myself, i have to agree i was not mum simply coz i didnt want to prove him right, though it featured largly in the scheme of things, more cause it was almost 3 in the night n I had work to do the next day and he was in his “im-giving-gyaan-to-u-lowly-mortal”, was one of those philosophical cum racist cum personal opinion typa discussion. And I didnt say a word. It cost me my dear life *now im exaggerating* but i stayed shut.

We were talking of herd mentality and groups and people and safety net and all that. Tell me who would be interested in all that at 3? I told himi wasnt and started talking about something else. It was then when he told me the statement which was to lead to my nirvana *rolling eyes* The fact that i rattle on and on and on and dont let him talk. So from a dialogue, apparently APPARENTLY!!! i make it a monologue. No points for guessing who does all the talking and he accused...mind you it’s a heavy word- ACCUSED me of not letting the other person talk or waiting for me to think what im talking about. Now that rankled and I got mad. I mean that is offensive rite… and so I, in my most innocent, humblest, hurtest tone till date, told him...my words are for others...and my silence is for me.

Have to trust me when I say this...i didnt expect the reaction the statement would recieve. He was stumped!!! lol...and silent.

And I think finally that is what this post is gonna be about!! My silence. And the fact that *warning: this is getting philosophical* that speech is cheap and so is free, but silence comes at a cost and is dear.
I think in the heat of the moment...ahem...and my recitation to silent shounak, i hit the truth. Another Gyaan moment about discoveries made by chance and such...
Suitably recovered shouny told me that in that case i shouldnt have a lot of time for myself because he doesnt think I am silent at all. Sarcasm...the pompous ass!!!
I decided i wont get defensive and justify. And rudely told him I am n ot answerable to anybody about my silence and the lack of it. Truth is, it rankled. The fact that you need to defend urself in front of your best pal.

And so i did the next best thing...hehe to show him that i can be silent if i choose to. And that was soo typically gurlie...now my head bows down in shame *no it doesnt* I banged the phone on him and didnt talk to him for a couple o days...then he said sorry n shit...I AM A GURL!!! mutated gene et al

Makes me wonder...speech is silver n silence is gold, then again...liking silver better than gold...to each his own I say *wink* (silver it is for me!!!)

Oh I Love My Life :D

2005-05-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

I take it back. I take it all back!!!
Every whine, every rant, every crib i made last week about my job, my work, the place its located, my collegues, my boss even. Both online and offline.
Coz the simple fact is it rocks!!!! MY JOB ROCKS!!!!
And this is not just coz o all da worldly wisdom and gyaan given by all you beautiful * ahem* people about how positive attitude and good outlook would help me feel good about my work, its because my job is jus fantabulous.

And ill tell you gladly what is it that over these past two weeks made me realise i just might be the most blessed person in the world after ...after...umm...after the most blessed person.
# I start my day at 7 30 in the morning. which is good coz i used to be up by 6 to go to college. sigh college. I miss college man!!!!

# Icome in royal shitty ride all da way to office. Its sooo dusty...da roads!!! U cant take the rick for the same reason. Because by the time you reach office, there is 2 millimeter thick cake of mud on your body. Or the parts (of ur bod) exposed to the relentless sun and heat and dirt!! So you obviously have to take the bus. Bus is cheaper too. actually goin on and stating precisely how cheap it is would be....aah what the heck, its Rs. 4 and 50 paise *grin*

# I come to office and open my dabba...oh yeah!!! I get tiffin from home *implying im jassi types* amd start hogging. Not for anyother reason but the fact that i have no time to eat breakfast because i wake up late.

#Then I open the newspaper. Yes people i read newspapers n all these days. ECONOMIC TIMES!!! no less.

# Now I open my mail box, check stuff...read mails, delete forwards, reply to some...dont blog though. Stil lnot in the groove of actually writing about my innate feelings when there is Akon playing "im so lonely" in the background.

#Finally I decide its about time i start working because at the end of the day...or maybe in the beginning as the case may be here, all those moral science lessons by Ms. Monica Lopez about work being worship and dedication n focus is not lost on me. i always iterate im a achcha bachcha.

#By 2. 30- 3, im brain dead. I cant work after lunch. Not for anyother reason but for the fact that the work is soo intense, i just cant do it. And you all know how it is for a novice like me. *sheepish*

# So after 3 i officially stop working and remember all the people ivelost contact with, all the net friends who were in my iggy bin, all those other sodding piece of asses who are working and all and sundry I manage to catch online or even on the phone.

So that is how ive been doing since last two weeks. Working, learning grasping stuff and basically slogging my precious ass off.
Now someof my oh-so-dear friends in the blogworld or otherwise wouldnt really agree with me on the slogging part. And here is where I feel I just HAVE to defend myself because Ive more than compensated for the way i have lived my life. So in these 2 weeks, Ive worked more than I have in the 20 years of my existance. And that is a very heavy statement.

Ill spare all the details on the gyaan of how it is like working and the accountablility and responsibility and all that s hit that i thought was all fancy talk and didnt care a f*** actually do exist.
I cant really crib. Seriously. Because then that would make me an ungrateful wretch.
Flawless Comp *who is yet to be christened * and superfast internet connecti0n,
Private phoneline- completely my own...
Coffee five times a day *ghar pe im allowed only 3*
Music on request or get ur own songs funda,
5 days a week job from 9 30 to 5 30
Amazing collegues *n i aint saying this coz more than half o my co workers read my blog ;-)*
A Boss who got married this monday and so is outta town-yet not bossy and is a fun guy. I am talking -taking us out for a movie as a treat of him getting married.* now this is for if he ever reads my posts ;-)*
Zilch pressure as far as work per se goes,
A-M-A-Z-I-N-G scope of learning when I actually decide to honour the concept of work,

And all in all the chance of doing what I think I would wanna do the rest of my life and what I have been doing all along so far- Talking to people, getting to know them, basically flaunting my superior communication skills.
And if people arent absodamnlutely jealous ALREADY!!!! I ahem get to talk to supersexy sounding guys wid superintelligent brains (now that gotta b da clincher)*wink*

Jokes apart, its great for the simple reason that as long as I do what Im supposed to do, no one cares a rats ass to what ELSE I do. And it is not sumthing everyone can boast of, atleast not on their firstest job ever. I suppose a little later, i will be shown the bigger uglier picture, but for now Im content and happy with my life.
Abhi Ive finished my cadburys 5 Star which I might add *offended* does not have the gooey caramel and is not even cold!!!! And i need to go home to my FB who is developing inferiority complex.
So far...it is like a dream come true. oh and...I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!! *grin*

Psst: La Devil is inPune, pursuing her higher studies...she people has always been miss brains.She is someone who solves math coz she had nothing better to do. i can safely say this without being killed is because she has no net access for sometime. So she will be back with a bang and a lot o fun stories in a while... meanwhile erratica writes pretty cool stuff too...-ahem this aint marketing...its jus...aah well...

My First Week Of Working...

2005-05-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

I AM THE QUEEN OF SHEBA INCARNATE!!!!!
And that was the delusion I lived in for the twenty years of my life. And I was sooo cruelly disillusioned this week that I could weep. Yes my people…. there the authority o queen Sheba in play monday was like my first day of my very first job of my life!!!!
I wish I had stories of adventure and excitement…but the fact is, the first day of my first job sucked. It’s the presumptions that’s the killer. Now that can b ship’s gyaan- It’s the presumptions that’s the killer. I presumed its the first day and so it will be a half day..like in skool. BAH what half day, the boss made us sit till later the quitting time.
I suppose I should start from the inception. It is the story that started bout a couple o months ago. I get a call for interview. I go n blabber shit. Now its common knowledge that I blabber but not shit always. Esp not in any of the interviews I d been to.

But this one was different. It was like I jus couldn’t seem to stop. Anyways after a devastating attempt at redeeming myself in front o da interviewer…I came bak home dejectd and sad, cursing my runaway mouth. And mom’s poking in the eye or more apt in the mouth bout how I cant stop yakking didn’t help my cause any.

Then like after a couple o months I get a call saying I have been shortlisted and then about being selected. That was like the time when I couldn’t seem to sit still and I was floating in cloud nine. N then there were gloatful nudges to to mom. And sticking out the tongue to sis.

ZOOM BAK TO PRESENT: more like to this Monday.

First day naa…I thought its gonna b like it was in skool and college. Half day. Only da giving of timetable and then letting us off. Did it happen here?? Just saying no n leaving it at that is doing injustice to my first day of firstest job. So im gonna go into total detail of precisely how shitty it was. It was like being thrown into the water and asked to swim. Swim phir bhi is okie…I would have flailed my limbs n surivie. But imagine asking you to swim among the sharks in da name of teaching you how to swim. In such a condition there is little you can do coz ur already in the water, so u pray to God that they get da fellow inductee and not you and that at night you will light a candle in da name of the dearly departed. And I did just that. From the class one, ive been avoiding anything to do with numbers and money *ofcourse unless its to spend* like a plague. And here I am working for something id sworn my life on im never gonna tolerate. So first day the first three hours I had to work on removing the mental block that I suck at finance. So it was understanding wat is corporate banking and corporate finance and corporate tax…equity and derivatives and by mid noon, I was brain dead!!! And that people doesn’t happen very often.

But the next day I caught up. And the day went very smooth but the traffic spoilt it all. I had to walk up the entire way to the train station. And the walk people is for 45 minutes. No issues really, help me tone down…now that I aint gymming anymore.
The nxt day was very smooth. More like uneventful. Then my boss decided that it was going too easy for the four of us, yesterday he gave us a 2 hour long session on how inqusitivity is dead among the youngsters today, how there is no learning attitude and that bar a few the rest o the people’s English sux too!!! And blah blah blah blah. And that is all we needed. Today he’s said he wont be coming to office.

He is getting married next week. So he wont be around next week I guess. Good thing. Not that he behaves like an ogre but is too astute for our liking. Though im in his good books, he doesn’t taunt me…jus lightly pulls my leg n all…gave me da bestest computer n all. So life as far as reporting to the senior is concerned everything is hunky dory.

Collegues are also real neat
So far so good, one week down…God alone knows how many more to go.

And Some Women Are Bitches

2005-05-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

What I am going to say in this post is strictly against the code of the sisterhood convention. It strictly says in the rulebook that thou shalt never leak out secrets. And in a blogpost, it is blasphemy. And when I say this statement, people ask me about sisterhood convention. Many of the ladies don’t attend these unions. It is a group. A fraternity for women. Where they discuss just about everything under the sun and of course related to women.
Yes people, here is where I learnt the importance of words-nasty mouth-ruckus that it creates cardinal sin to frame a sentence using these words, so the nxt best thing and fine-tuned my fashion sense to an art and learnt the number of times I should bat my eye lashes to attract a specific male attention.

So I was talking about the sisterhood fraternity. And the fact that many women think they are above such mortal or women things. Of course we are not talking of the tomboys of this world those by default are not eligible for the society. Not offence really ladies, but fact is fact and I should call a spade a spade.

Here I am talking of the women who act feminist but think machoist. Ahem machoist is …err…the opposite of feminist?? Coined by yours truly.
So its about those women who are written bout in mills and boon. The ladies who always wanna snare the hero from the heroine. Those women who simper and coo and bat their eyelashes… there is a difference in their batting lemme tell you guys. We come across them all over the place. In classrooms, on blogs, in chat rooms, traveling in a bus, a train, some are unfortunate to have em as neighbours even!!!

The personality types. They are sooo obvious. And can be slotted as the bitches. Erratica was telling us the other day of a lady who works with her. A typical specimen of a bitch. The I-am-oh-so-sexy-but-so-darned-vulnerable types. Showing a non existent cleavage, smiling perfectly so that the fang canines don’t show, eyes twinkling and nose twitching. Devious females. Lemme elaborate on such types. They are the one who are over friendly on the second meeting. Are caring and considerate. So sweet that even butter wont melt in their beautiful mouths. Just until there is an audience. Their boyfriends, other gurls…anybody but the two of you. And this is only for the honorary people of the same gender.
But then they are like umm the phrase in hindi… “meethi choori” literal translation would be sweet knife. The kill. Little LITTLE jibes, sweet insults, cute put downs. And in all this they look as angelic as they come. The epitome of feminity. Pulchritude coming out in waves. Fairy incarnate. BAH!! *rolling eyes* Lol. I know at this point I am oozing disgust and repulse but I can't help it!!!

Now that the type is defined and the characteristics talked of, lemme tell you how to identify these people from other normal women. They are easily identifiable. One look at them and people get more awed than warmed.
Now like any species, these errmm ladies too have different types:
There are the intelligent types. Who know everything about everything. They have something to say about everything. Everything in the world happening to anybody has happened to them. They are the ones who have been there done that.
Ref to context: ahem never mind this one.

Then there are the supercool babes. They surprisingly have done all the “in” things, even before they were “in”. stylish to the point of being obscene, these females are the futuristic ones. They will tell you about the hippest places in Mumbai that cost the earth and the earth knows you can't afford. They will tell of the famous people they know and are in contact with. They will tell you about how they rebel. About how defiant they are and break the rules but still the people around love them because…no points for guessing my lovelies, they are the sexy vulnerable babes!!! And we all have enough guy friends to know that such a combination is irresistible to the male of the human species.
Ref to context: umm almost half the females fall under this one but the one everyone in blogworld knows of is my classmate the famous P_y_l.

Then there are the blatantly bitchy types. They are my favourites. Because they are in your face. They know and you know that both of you dislike each other but still are sweet to each other and then cuss at each other. I like these ladies because they are as close to being honest bitches as they come. You know where you stand with them, and that is under their feet if they have their way. But since it all is mutual and out in the open…alls well that ends well.
Ref to context: Shruti. She, people is a lady with whom I have a love hate relationship. A gurl I genuinely love and dislike actively. And love all the more for this open bitchiness she displays.

And there are so many more types. But bitchiness apart, talking, walking, being friends with such women is always dicey. It isn’t about backstabbing or being waspish. Its about the lack of openness and friendliness without the ego and one upmanship that comes with it. Eerr maybe it is about being waspish and mean to your own friend.
It is true that there is a bit of one upmanship here and there in every relationship but then it all is in the spirit of the friendship. I get along very well with both the sexes. And most of the people are beautiful. The guys as much fun as the gurls. But then invariably there is that one soul who is bent on putting you down. Depending upon the sex of the person, brutally if it a guy and gently if it’s a gurl, but down nonetheless. And it can't be denied that women are born with a highly honed sixth sense *wink* so when it is the men, it becomes antagonism and with women it becomes subtle games of words and insults. Believe me it does happen.

But then I think what fun without such people. Everything would be goody goody. And we all agree too much sweet is gagging but too much spice is never unwelcome?? They amuse, they engage, they tickle and they irritate. And that is what makes them worthy of a blog post.

And I think after all that analysis done on bitches…ahem…I too am guilty…. *devilish grin*

The Fateful Night...

2005-04-29T05:55:00.000-07:00

It’s a story of the time
When life was really a bore
Goodness and laughter littered the world
And life was sweet enough to be sore.

Life of simplicity and rustic
Rare as it was for anything new happening
As birth and death laced the cycle
The village folks for weeks kept chattering.

It wasn’t unnatural, no it wasn’t.
For days to be sweltering and nights to be no bother.
And the people, farmers they were
Worshipped the nature for it was their mother.

Time and days held no significance,
And generations really ran monotone,
When all that mattered was harvesting crop
And picking pebbles and stone.

Superstitions ran rampant.
Beliefs not uncommon.
But they were just stories they said, they admired
Over the years told by their gramps beside the fire.

The old and the wise looked on night,
At the sky that told them their future they pondered,
Was it the time really that,
The legend was to come true they wondered.

The stars were unnaturally bright
And the trees swayed wild.
And it was a rage on the land
And the sea could swallow a thousand and one child.

Yes it was time said the elders
To the mirth and amusement of the youth.
Stories told so long ago,
Indeed had a grain of truth.

It is a myth not a lore they said.
We are evolved now father.
Besides we live our lives modern now,
Enough to let the fact not be a bother.

But bother it should have, for the nature moved
With the finality that it disarmingly hurled
When it wrote of Armageddon
And the end of the world.

And it was the night that was decided
By those who controlled the natures flow.
For destiny needed it as much as mankind,
To bring humanity a huge blow.

The stars were unnaturally bright
And the trees swayed wild.
And it was a rage on the land
And the sea could swallow a thousand and one child.

Finally the earth settled, to a deadly silence.
The fateful night that eons would mourn.
And it was the night,
That people had denied existed,
The night when the devil was born.

Academia!!!!

2005-04-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

There is something about examinations and da stress that makes one do everything except study. I mean its jus one month left for the finals and all of a sudden, there is an insatiable urge to cram in every activity that you’ve needed to do in that academic year in that one month before the exam date. Im talking bout waking up at 2 to play the harmonium n practice singing, making candles, watching movies bak to back and da choice….psycho 1 n 2, Urban Legend, Terminator 1 2 and 3…don’t wanna go into that now, painting one wall of the room with harappan drawings like that in the film PREM starrign Tabu and Sanjay Kapoor, the Aati Nahi song. If you’ll dono wat im talking bout, then it is a major loss for all the bollywood lovers. That movie is a winner. *wink*id been to see Hum Aapke Hain Kaun and they were showing Prem. I watched that instead. Trust me I don’t regret it:P then reading Harry Potter and his escapades, dig out old phone numbers of friends who are not in touch…

Final semester exams frm the 25th of April. And does Shipraji have the timetable?? Nope. For that matter noone else does too, other than the fact that the first testing is to be done on the entrepreneurial skills…
So here it goes…good old class one istyle.
Date Day Subject Time
25/4/2005 Monday Entrepreneurship 3.00-5.00
26/4/2005 Tuesday Quantitative Analysis 3.00-5.00
and Statistics
27/4/2005 Wednesday Call up anna and ask
Okie so no timetable, so no study planning, theek hai, not all that bad!! But then do u have all da notes. Ummm…weelllll….*sheepish* when do u plan to have em?? Errrrr….ill go 2 coll sumday, ask sum1 to get em and photocopy em. N now shut up u conscience, im on a 2 day chutti from studying so don’t prick me!!!

But then I think when I don’t study, there is something or the other that happens. Like the ant biting my left eye, being down with bad tummy. Im my best when im not in motion. Bowels or otherwise. Papa decided Paani puri wud do sum good. It did. My stomach was stable but then it was my nose running. Snorting and paper towels. I don’t see why people around have to make a face when you blow your nose. I bet everyone does it when they think they r not being heard or seen. Now I wud love to go into detailed description of exactly how the entire process goes but then I think everyone knows, so ill jus stuff it.

But jokes apart. I think, exams, marks, internal assessment, sucking up to the co ordinator…they don’t really matter when we look at the big picture. I mean there is like a big bad world out there right. And it doesn’t really look at ur marks before ripping you apart do they?? So when you are gonna get fuckd anyways, why not have fun in the process, is what I have to say.
Mom: well if it really doesn’t matter, then y do they have marks on the resume??
Me: because that’s all the losers have to show for their life’s achievement!! That’s y.
Mom: ur crap again
Me: now look, y wud u wanna show ur SSC ka marks, when u have ur graduation marks already. So unless uve skippd a yr or sumthing, u obviously have passed ur secondary and higher secondary exams. *smirks at the superior display of intellect*
Mom: go study!!!!
Me: so it means that you showing ur marks jus because ur 10th was the only exam u scored real neat marks…blah blah blah…..

Aah I was talking bout the big picture. I AM an evolved human being. And such mundane things like exams n all, they don’t really matter to my higher state of living. I am beyond the moh maya of marks, aakhir marks kya hai?? Materialism hai!! Not like I take my marksheet when I reach nirvana. I take my spirit, my soul, my inner core, which does not have brain, which does not follow logic. Which fails to understand such harsh competition where your own classmates don’t give you their notes to copy or photocopy in the fear that you get better grades than they do. Bah. Guile and cheating wont take you far @ %$#^& (name withheld for author’s safety) good deed done today will demand another tomorrow.

I mean what losers!! Attending classes every single day *belch* copy copious amounts of notes…scribble like crazy. Beam at the professor when he calls out ur name for attendance. Beam otherwise too. Laugh at some dumb joke crackd by an oily sleazy professor who winks at u for every second line he says. Bitch bout a professor to another. Religiously lick the co ordinators ass, just so that he (luckily) remembers you when he is allotting marks outta da blue in the final week of exams.
A conversation with a fellow classmate, who is like a real bitch.
P@_@L : this is not fair!!!! U study jus a week before the exams, and you score ** and I study like two TWO whole months and I score jus 5 % more than you do.
Me: aah well…*smiles*

Now in fornt o her boyfriend who doesn’t wish to study sitting in the library but she drags him and makes him sit with her. Lol

P@_@L : this is not fair!!!! You kno (her boyfriend) ship studies jus a week before the exams, and she scores ** and I study for like two TWO whole months and I score jus 5 % more than she does. Not fair naa!!!! U also like that only…both of u.
*now this aint done lady, this aint done by a long shot!! U say that 2 me, its okie, u say that in front o ur guy, who happens to be a better friend than U are….nope, not done AT ALL* so what happens?? The bitchiness in shipra comes rears its pretty head.
Me: well, you see P@_@l, u kno studying doesn’t come easy to you. So your insecurity translates into frantic preps eons before exams. N moi *chilld out voice* I kno I can study and score well. I don’t really even need to prove it 2 anybody!!! Its like when you have something, you don’t have da urge to go search for it, capture it for yourself. You are confident in the fact that you can get it if u want to, but since u don’t wanna…y bother at al.
Lol, poor soul, but then she was asking for it. And when someone asks, thou shall not refuse says amma.
And wont amma be proud of her grand daughter now!!

So that’s that now. And I plan to dedicate the nxt two weeks to sincere studying. I mean these are the finals. The culmination of not just my year but my 15 years of education.
My last attempt at redeeming myself in front of my mommy, setting an example of being the eldest in the family and passing out wid ahem flying colours. showing p@_@l da stuff im made of. Making papa proud. And plain having sum geeky marks in my resume. So that I too can show I have no life outside books. Hehe.*wink*

Psst psst: me off blogging for a while. But wish me bestest o luck people. I really need it this time. More than ever!!!!!!
N now its Misty who brings her blog down...i jus dont get it!!!!*shakes head*

Nothing Really...

2005-04-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

Got bit by an Ant yesterday. So didn’t study. Didn’t complete the assignment problems but they were not asked to be submitted. Good thing I didn’t bother. Its still swollen. The bite. On the left eye, that I failed to mention. When I was asleep!!! Papa thinks it must be some poisonous insect. I think im better off thinking of it as a Red Ant.
Its said red ants are edible n good for your eyes. Yah rite. Good for my eye, it wont open completely- My Eye!!! Something alone the lines of carrots. Orange, orange…see da connection?? One has a black top; the other has a black bottom.

______

Got another stupid forward. But infact this isn’t a stupid steeuuupeed forward. It talked about what animal you are based on your birthday. And I am a monkey it says. Umm no not da animal but the attributes.
This is what it has to say:
If you are a Monkey: Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!
Im sooo darned tempted to defend myself. Aah what da heck I will. THIS IS MY SPACE!!
So I rattle: Impatient and hyper?? Guilty as charged.
But yes I am simple at heart. And who doesn’t like being a center o attention?? aah its attraction. Now that …umm…well….attention yes. Attraction…err wtf YES THAT TOO!!!!
Unique-DIG THAT!!!!!!*smug look* but that way??i wonder…
Sixth sense. Yeah true.
And which fool doesn’t like money tell me?? *defensive*

______

Learnt two new words last week. Look forward to using it in context as much as I can.
Dick Chick
Meaning: fantabulous
Pronunciation: jus as its written. Some times even “dHick Chick”
Usage: “oh yeh toh dhik chick plan hai be”, “dhik chick mazza aaya” etc etc.
Language: its free for all typesa lingos. But for excellent results to be used in Hindi.

Chance Pe Dance
Meaning: no no not dancing on every chance you get, but actually seizing the opportunity when it strikes.
Pronunciation: Precisely as it is written.
Usage: “When papa asks you if u need money, then chance pe dance marneka”- this will be a more sober usage of the phrase.
“Going on a date toh, chance pe dance” is the actual usage. But since the author neither goes on dates nor is allowed to use such sentence construction (semantics or connotation) at home or otherwise, she resorts to a more subdued former sentence types.

And hereby as I was telling divs, da divine thoughts lady that it is an each one (word) teach one (lessons in language) scene. Mom glares everytime I use either one in a sentence. Difficult but I manage.
Yet to test it in a regular normal world but im positive about the outcome.
There is more from where it comes.

What say people?? Liked it??*wink*

Psst Psst: this might be one of my shortest posts since sometime now. *blushing prettily at feat accomplished* I thought id let you all know- in case you didn’t realize

The Week That Was...

2005-04-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

Like always, important snippets of information that i take for granted, are the ones that are misunderstood by all. The exams mentioned r my preliminary exams and not finals.
Monday- Exam: Entrepreneurship. 8 Am to 10 Am.
Question Paper distribution. Scan through the paper. Damn don’t have a clue wats what. Look around. Others in the same situation. Relief.
8.30 two of the classmates get up. Loo?? I wonder? Together?? My eyebrows raise. No they have the answer booklet in hand. Supervisor says u cant leave da hall within an hour of the commencement of the test. Hehe. They make faces. 15 more minutes of fidgeting and the supervisor has had it. She lets em off. Inspired with what happened, 2 more, gurls this time, leave. “Gosh… this is soo tempting” a fellow classmate.
Me thinks: Those papers r not gonna b corrected. Said my co ordinator. Why bother wasting all the resources?? Imagine how much trees we can save if we conserve the answer booklet for some other poor student But me being a rule abiding student guided by my principles and ideals decide ki NO!! I will finish the 8 paper booklet. Scribble nonsense I will!! But wont let the rest of the 7 pages blank. The first being the details of the students section. So dedicatedly and sincerely not to mention pain stakingly, I finish those 8 lengthy pages.
Its 9 30. Telepathy at work perhaps, purv n me look at each other at da same time. suggest we leave. Rohini, Dharmaraj Yudhistir ki chatti aulaad leaves the hall at 10 sharp.

Tuesday- Qunatitative Business Models aka Statistics 8Am to 10Am.
Me in a much relaxed frame of mind. Received news that professors for sure don’t correct these papers coz internal assessment marks are already submitted to the university.

Question paper given. Scans it. Bah. No clue whats what and this is the subject im supposedly done preparations for. A lil bit of copying AHEM mutual helping and im almost through. It’s a numbers paper. The whole world knows I suck at numbers. I leave at 9. Still 4 students from the class of 60 write ferociously as if their life depended upon it. Have this insane urge to laugh. But then killed that impulse.
Purv left too. So did half the class. Rohini sat thru. Not like she knows all the answers, more like she wanted to give the other 4 company coz they sure sat scribbling till 10. Took additional supplements too. Wasting resources and college funds. *rolling eyes*

Tuesday evening: all attempts at studying jus vanish in thin air poof no profanity jus an expression. jus giving up studying. Not a word is known for the next paper. And worse is no concern either.

Wednesday: Marketing Research 8Am to 10 Am(I dono y im posting the time. Heck.)
7 Am. Mumbai Local
frantically going thru sum photocopied notes. Almost doze off. But then lady sitting beside gives a discreet nudge.
7 45 Am Class Room
*hysterical*I have no clue PEOPLEEEEE I don’t know what im gonna write even the first 15 minutesssssssssssssssss*bawling by this time*
Consolations, empathies, hugs and assurances from all and condolences from those fanatic 4. And Im ready to face marketing Research head on.
8 Am
There is a mass giggle. I feel one with the class yet again. No one has a clue. I start scribbling. Hall ticket is being distributed. I tell myself I get this n im not entering the class ever again. Half of the students have not turned up anyways.
8 30 Am
Again the telepathy thing in play. Purv is getting restless. She wants to leave. But I know some stuff and wanna stick 2 my funda of somehow filling all 8 pages. Hazy letters in black n white swarm in front o my eyes. I wish id not nodded off in the train, id have remembrd more.
8 35
More frantic glances and fidgeting from purv. Ive had enough. She gets up. I leave my answer halfway. Too much movement and I lose my harmony and peace of writing papers-wink
We leave. A classmate wonders “HOW DID U GUYS LEAVE ITNA JALDI YAAR!!!!??” nothing more to write we say. Simple n true.

Thursday- 7 am: cell rings. Purv. Shit I overslept!!! Missed my exam. Momentary panic. That feeling of stomach dropping down to the knees. Weird how that feels even when you are lying on ur derriere. Then brain processes kick in. Doesn’t really matter. Complacent. Go to sleep again. Wake up when the sun had reached its zenith. Switched on the TV, switched on FB (for ppl who dono, FB is my comp-Frozen Beauty who is on her deathbed.) logged on to the net.
AND WHAT DO I SEEEEE???? HORROR OF HORRORS!!!!!
MY NET DOESN’T WORK!!!! It was sooo down, im talking 1000 bytes in 5 minutes here. Now THAT is low…even for FB it is!! I shrugged. Happens sumtimes. Turnd her off. No pun
went to take a shower. Came back masala tea coutesy Seema. Decided since ive missed half a day, might as well spend da entire day rejuvenate for further exam preparations.
Then turned FB on. (psst- I love that sentence!!!) loggd on to the net. Damn still nets down. Now I was queasy. I mean at the risk of tarnishing my oh-so-sexy image, my life by large revolves around FB and Internet. Im not saying I have no life, I do. Its jus that the world wide web features largely in it.

Watched some movies, caught up on kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi.(he he cudnt resist that line!! Its soo nani type!!!!) Hogged... Went to sleep.
Woke up, maa was home. Oh if I didn’t mention, im an independent daughter of a working mother. *smug look*
Didn’t dare touch FB in front of her. Watched some more movies. Dinner time.
Again a vain attempt at net. Nope. Not ok yet.
Decided not to go the nxt day too. Was econometrics. The only thing in it I know is that it has one of the longest word I kno, homoscadasticity. Even oxford doesn’t have it in their word list. So im not responsible if I make a spelling mistake here. The other longest word I know is antidisestablishmentarianism. *display of high literary knowledge* : P
Spent the rest of the three days in almost the same fashion.

Psst Psst: even when,my net works...like now, people on messenger wont talk. Coz im supps to study. sigh.Now gonna go watch sum movie.

Talks OF Mind Bending The Spoon...

2005-04-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

So there is this blatently good news that I have!!! And I cant seem to sit still coz o that. Some of you may say, pooh its just a cell phone. But for someone, like me, who takes pleasures in da small small things in life, cell phone, or any sorta communication device features big in the pleasure-giving-things list.

I lost my cell phone da other day. A forthnite ago actually. All my precious numbers, data, mail ids, reminders, alarm…all gone!!
Just like that. One moment it was there, the next it wasn’t. Like Houdini. And then people asked me the most obvious thing…HOW?? WHERE.?? Now now people, if I just knew how and where and not to mention the good old when…I wouldn’t lose it in the first place would I??
That what this one is all bout. Me trying to dig deep into the recesses of my brain and my heart and my mind and see, if what some say is really true and that the mind is capable of really making something disappear if it like really really wanted to.

I admit ive wanted a new cell phone since sometime now. And it aint like my existing or the one that existed was anything wrong with it. Just that I wanted a new and a better one. Don’t we all, I ask more to appease my conscience. Ofcourse we do, comes the reply. So here I was. Wanting a new and an improved phone, but no financial or economical independence…or parental for that matter. Not daring to even ask or broach the topic.
I come from a law abiding-parent respecting-disciplined-no-tantrums-no-help-from-maid-while-cleaning-rooms-or-washing-jeans kinda family *wink*

So finally when I lost my cell phone, I was not sure how should I react. I think I was numb. I wasn’t sure how I should react was because I didn’t really feel bad. Nope. But I felt I had to. *WARNING: now here my fundas are a lil screwd up, so no discussion on y I need to feel bad will be entertained* I just had to feel bad. Mayb it is me stereotyping feeling and emotions and that it is necessary that there should be appropriate reaction to an appropriate situation. Maybe like nirupa Roy types. Cry, when tragedy strikes, grin with joy when you find ur lost sons reference :Amar, Akbar, Anthony Proper emotion for proper circumstance. All systematically categorized.
But does Miss Shipra do that?? No she doesn’t. So not feeling even a twinge of sadness or remorse is alarming, or so me thinks. Again refer to the warning in the earlier paragraph.!! And so that was that. No guilt (admitted I couldn’t do anything, but its like those situations where you think on retrospect if it would have worked had you been a little more careful or studied a lil bit harder), no remorse or no standard response of crying like the other gurl in class did when she lost her cell phone. I was curiously detached. And silent as a dead mouse. That in itself was enough to arouse the curiosity of the entire class.

Dreading maybe, to come home. Pappa is chilled guy. He knows if its gone, its gone. Why fret. But my mom!!! Well lets just say she is more verbal when it comes to emoting. But then that day, even aye was silent on the issue. Resigned and accepting I guess. But do I dare ask for a new cell phone??

Almost a week passed. I couldn’t bear it anymore. I jus HAD TO ask.
Me: umm…ayee…..i was wondering….
Maa: hmm wondering what exactly? *wary look*
Me: now that I lost my cell phone…it really is kinda difficult u kno….
Maa: No, I cant imagine why? Ive been doing perfectly well without it till date.
Me: well yes ofcourse…but I was wondering…you wouldn’t really get me another one…err..would u??*hope filled eyes*
Maa: earn. *eh?* earn and buy your own.

In all this pappa is a silent spectator. The fact that papa didn’t say anything, is signal enough for the super smart shipra (notice the use of alliteration and how beautiful it sounds in the same sentence-err super sexy would also apply but it would be outta the context) to know that all will be well and that all is not lost yet. reference :the Alchemist Its all about reading the signs along the way.

And finally!!! Today when my sis got a newer model, I was sitting mumbling that it wasn’t really my fault that I lost it and that somethings are really beyond a persons control, papa decided he will get me a cell phone.
YEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!
Trust me when I say this, it was really a very tough job not to get up and hug every body and dance like crazy and howl and shout “MY PAPA BESTEST” but it was the silent glare of a defeated mom that made me resist the urge. And so I had to settle for a grateful grin. I can really imagine how rocky-my dog feels like when he is given ice cream, grateful enough for the tongue to lol from side to side. Ofcourse he drools in the plate and I again resisted the urge, when we went to the mobile phones and accessories show room.

Now that’s the latest news. Soon I will have a new cell phone.
Reminds me of the adage, “When you want something real bad, the whole universe conspires for you to get it”

*wink*and yeah, now I think we can REALLY bend spoons with the power of our minds, or plain longings and unfulfilled desires.

Psst Psst: One of my fav bloggers, Man with no Name is thinking and talking of bringing the blog down!!! And im in denial!!!!!

A Dollop Of Cold Cream

2005-03-31T12:18:00.000-08:00
The below mentioned is a SHORT STORY!!! n yeah i need no more instance to show that im not meant for it. But then ive written it, so anyways...thats that.N so the winter :P

*a dollop of cold cream on the palm* Its winter again. Im not sure if I like winters. No matter how much moisturizers and cold cream you apply, it just isn’t enough to make your skin elastic and supple. Never mind what ads on TV say. Winters make ur skin flaky and dry. Scaly. Reminds me of the fish we had for dinner yesterday. I think its gross, the way maharaj leaves the eyeballs still in the socket of the dead fried fish. Eerie looking a dead fish in its eye, just when you are about to put a chunk of its tender meat into your mouth.
Any which ways...

So a 16 year old should be interested in moisturizers, anti-frizz ( I have curly hair), lip balms which come with shimmer, Bath gels that smell divine…so I really shouldn’t have guilty conscious. Admitted im a pampered brat. Always want my whims satisfied and take great pains to see that they do. But then almost evey 16 year I kno is like that!!! *pouting* Some people offer to psychoanalyse me and my behaviour. They want to know why I behave like a rebel. Know and offer sympathy. Understanding. Show superior state of their living. Pooh!!! Too bad my nani’s sister doesn’t think im angelic. She would have hysteria if she knew what some of my friends are up to.. I wonder why then she gives me that look and tells nani that maa could have been more careful. Bah, her grand son is just 12...u just wait and watch amma!!!*evil grin*

I don’t dope, I don’t smoke and I booze only when thr is some social thingy happening. Or if there is beer. So all in all I really am a very good gurl. And since it is very normal for a 20 year old to indulge in materialistic things, no issues there too.
*zoom bak to winters and cold creams* I really like the smell of this one. And same smelling shampoo and liquid soap not to mention deo. So when im done, there is this beautiful floral feminine fragrance all around me. am I being shallow?? It gags my best friend. Lol, obviously, floral scents aren’t suppose to charm 16 year old guys, especially not when they are oozing out from every square inch of their best friends. He is kinda cute, when he thinks he is being tough and uncaring. Thinks I don’t notice. Thinks I don’t recognize that sadness when he looks at me. That love and that concern. So quickly evapourated and distilled into pity. Or maybe so I think.

And that mightily pisses me off. I don’t want love and concern. Or pity!!! Sympathy. Or maybe im jus hopelessly rong. But I refuse to see how I, I can be wrong??!!!?? I am normal. Bratty, temperamental 16 year old who just needs direction in life and its kinda late for that.

So then neways, I was saying I don’t like winters. When we are at it, I don’t like summers either. It must be the clothes that make me despise the season. Its just so hot and the only thing u can wear then AND be comfortable is shorts and a cotton tee. I think I look pretty in shorts and tee. *mischievious* you see I have beautiful legs. And I flaunt it. Or I used to. But I don’t wear shorts anymore.

They are disfigured and scarred after last winters accident. My legs. And I cant walk anymore. But I still cream them. My legs. Waiting for the day I can flaunt them again. And love summers again...

But for now...I just don’t like winters...makes my skin flaky and dry. And scaly...like the fish we had for dinner yesterday...

My English Essay Book...

2005-03-29T01:29:00.000-08:00
Yesterday was another room cleaning session. And this time my maa decided it has to be my study table. What with term coming to an end and exam fever all around. So when I was clearing the heaps of papers, books, writing tools…one thing never ceases to amaze me is the amount of things that can lay buried. I found some of my drawing books and paper whales and air planes made. No its not like I hadn’t cleared the cabinet since 6th class but id kept it, reminiscence of the fun days (not like im not having fun now, but then the most scary thing that could have happened in life was the Head Mistress writing a note in the skool calender asking my parents to go meet her –which never happened btw)

So I have this special place with all my skool stuff. Like the eraser belonging to my first crush…my paper air plane that stayed air borne for sum 10 seconds…that’s how friendly me n technology can be at the most.…10 seconds...my drawing book, my English Essay Book among other things.

And then I sat going through my writings when I was in 5th Class. And though my vocabulary has improved quiet a bit…my writing style still remains the same. Goofy, inane and pathetic attempt at humour.

And the kind of essays…Im still chuckling. It was the same…again and again and again every single year till we were in class 8. And we wouldn’t even copy the same ol matter. We read me, was a achcha bachcha even bak then :P:P
And I had this really weird crazy habit. Id start off each and every composition of mine with some quote. Most of em would b quotable ones by literary geniuses, some made by me…and then…neeche id write anonymous. Lol till my English teacher said I need not write anon if I made em myself, but just let em be. (COME ON NOW!!! I WAS 10- admitted kids these days are a lot smarter at 10...)

My Mother. Some variation like my grandparents…if the teacher felt like it…
“...I look like her. There is this photo clikd in her childhood, with her holding a doll and there is a picture of me holding a doll in almost the same setting. And we look so similar that it could have been my photo taken in black and white… she is the only one who really understands how I feel like even before I say it. *sigh…those days*
She makes the best rajma chaval in the whole world…. (and the end) I really love my mother and may God bless her. :P

Next came My Hobby.
I love reading. I more than love writing. *lol so u see I more than love writing even now* it is important to have a hobby in life, it gives a person a direction….blah blah blah…
The best part about “My Hobby” is that everyone in da class had their favourite hobby as stamp collection. And you wonder why? Because that was the only composition listed on the hobby in the “Essay Book” present in the library.

A letter to the Head mistress asking for a leave of absence :
Respected Ma’am,
….I am a student of ….blah blah blah…I need a leave of absence for a week so that I can attend my cousin’s wedding. From the second week of august to the last week.
Till date I don’t understand why did we ever have to write a letter to da nun. Not like had I written the letter, she would have granted me “the leave of absence for the same”. Also, I promise that I will more than make up for the classes missed and pass out with flying colours. Yours, sincerely….

A letter to a friend apologizing for returning the class book late. Here again there was some stupid reason why I could return the book and that I was profusely sorry *spelling mistake on the ‘profusely’* for the inconvenience *yep mistake again* caused.

A report for the skool magazine on the open man holes and the nuisance it caused to the residents of the locality during the monsoons.

An autobiography of a coin. Lol, here too some innovative story on how people didn’t like me (the coin) because I wasn’t as shiny and as pretty as the other coins I would jiggle with in the pockets *I still prefer the more shinier ones. These days there r all shiny coins but bak then, the old 1 Re. coin was not as pretty and shiny as the new coin*
And that finally my life is just being passed around. And how I would like a steady and stable life in a piggy bank to forever remain some place permanent *I really wasn’t that good with spellings bak then* but the fact that im money means I have to go around the country being passed from one place to other and one person to the other. And how some people treat money and how dirty I was and that no one ever thought of maybe giving me a wash or something. *God!!!*

A visit to the local market, another letter to a friend telling him/her about your good grades. A report on some community service done...
And so on and so forth...My English Essay Book.

Wishlist : I Need...

2005-03-24T11:34:00.000-08:00
I need pain to know I am not numb yet.
I need people to know I am not alone yet
I need colours to know im not blind yet
I need love to know im there yet.

I need rain to know I am cleansed
I need sun to know there exists tomorrow.
I need wind to caress my face,
And the surety of permanence.

I need my own prince charming,
I need impish eared elves,
I need a tower in the exotic lands I dream of
I need a glass slipper to believe yet.

I need that little brook
Where I talk to my butterfly,
And see that there is depth,
But seems so shallow yet.

I need the world at my feet,
Just so that I can tiptoe and say im sensitive
But when my chest fills with arrogance
I need that pinch of the stray thorn.

I need expressions like a lifeline,
I need words to come to my defence,
I need beautifully strung lines,
And I need the meaning to creep in yet.

I need enchantment to know I am not jaded yet
I need impulse to create magic.
I need wonder and shining eyes,
I need to know I can cause that.

I need the memory of a frozen moment,
And the eternity it wraps,
I need faith to survive
I need love to live yet.

Jinxed!!!!!

2005-03-22T10:10:00.000-08:00
Im not superstitious.
Only scared of offending the angels.
Just yesterday was telling rohini that life finally is back on track. And that finally im content. And that things r sailing smooth. And its almost magical the way things have ironed out. To now being a smooth raw silk. *how cool is that!! RAW SILK!!! Pat pat on the back ships*

And now look what happened. *frown* life is back to being just the way I like it!!! Tangled in the very own wool I was knitting my sweater with. *nope not as good as RAW SILK. Raw silk was better*

Reminds me of my skooling days. When the worse thing that could happen was the Head Mistress’ signature on the skool calendar asking for a meet with the parents.
Just da change is, the signature thingy has changed to attendance problems and allied discomforts. Now is it my fault that I was born a nocturnal being. N no matter how insomniac I am, I still need a couple o hours o sleep, isn’t it?? Now am I to be blamed if sleep fairy dusts her magic powder at the unearthly hours of the morning. *pouting* And they are cutting internal assessment marks on that. *double pouting*

And then comes tests. Silly really!!! How do professors expect students to study regularly??!!?? *shudders* now I have a test FULL PORTION on marketing. Man I tell you, people who will become teachers can be spotted early in life. They r regular with their studies. How else do one explain such insensitivity of the professors?? No amount of pleading, begging, groveling helped. He (the prof) jus postponed it by 4 days. 4 DAYS??!!! He has no heart in his chest nor blood in his eyes!!! (translation of: aakhon mein khoon nahi or sum shit like that)

And then comes music. Divine, no doubt bout it. But my voice isn’t. at least not 24*7. And who will explain that to my music teacher??
She doesn’t eat ice creams, doesn’t drink fizzy drinks like it is elixir. doesn’t scream to get people to stop talking so that she can talk. She doesn’t scream, howl, cry till her voice turns hoarse. Sing in a soprano voice jus to piss off her friends!! Yakk her way 2 Armageddon. BAH she has no life!!! yeah!! That’s it!!!!! *enlightment* Her sole aim in life is to make people sing. SING AND PLAY HARMONIUM TILL U’VE DROPPED DEAD!!!
No wonder she makes me drink concoctions of lukewarm water and salt and sugar says it cures bad throat. *gagging* but I like my hoarse voice. I think it sounds sexy *batting eye lashes and blushing*
Ahem she is a real sweet lady but me going wid da flow here. And bitching bout all n sundry. (`so please God, don’t turn my voice into like that of a frogs I have enough problems no thankz to me!!)

Love life or or the absence of it. 20 bloody years of existence and what do I have to show?? Phone book full of numbers of classmates, mates of classmates, people met on the way, chat pals their pals, mom’s friends, their kids, veterinary’s number, class teachers numbers. Class representative’s three numbers. DA PIG doesn’t even give attendance and eats up space on the cell phones memory.
So the phone book is a real handy device. Ive become directory service to my best friend. How convenient. And how inconvenient that his friends are all losers!! Of the first order!!!!

Sister troubles. How many times do I tell her that we share things and that when we fight... we only temporarily segregate our things n then again pool them bak 2gether when we r bak 2 being sisters. What is the point of having a sister, when u cant use her bag when it matches with your outfit?? Doesn’t help any with her being da younger one and more mature...*psst psst: just people’s perception. Whatever makes them think that!!! Wink*

Maa is a different ball game altogether. She reinstates she wants to take horoscope to manglore on her latest visit to our ancestral house. Says, the purohit there can read things real well. My future. Yeah yeah, I precisely know what future she talking bout. All that cousin’s wedding and preparations has swept her away. Im jus 20!!! *bawling*

And friends are no consolation. NOSIR!!! I told purva all this and pat comes the reply.
“write a blog post on it. I have my comment ready already”

So here is to every soul who is hell bent on crushing the never-say-die spirit of a gurl who just wants to live...tangle free and jinx free. *wink*

Public Displays Of Affection

2005-03-18T12:45:00.000-08:00
No im not a prude.
Or would like to think so. Umm...I don’t really have strong opinions about public displays of affection. Coz it doesn’t really matter. So I have no issues when it comes to people being openly affectionate, kissing hugging that sorta thing im cool with. Err… when other people are doing it that is.

Agreed have averted my gaze on seeing cooing love birds at juhu chowpatty or at railway stations and bus stands. *urgh!!!*
Now imagine when u have a couple who cant seem to keep their hands off each other and they r sitting right on da front seat. And you have nothing else to amuse urself with but to watch them. (psst psst : id watch em even when I have stuff to do, I think its like the thing. People gawk at you when you are dressed differently n stuff?? No. don’t comment if they don’t to u)

That happened to us during our trip to Goa. Rohini, Purva and me...three hot babes ( no da point is not open for debate) went to Goa november last year. It was a major blast. Sun, sand, sum film festival and tones and tones of fish curry. Too bad we didn’t get to see any hunky studs there. But that’s besides the point.

Back to the affection part. The Volvo was late, it was scheduled for 9 in the night . And maybe it was the marriage season or something coz the Volvo was full o couples. We three and two more were the only people traveling without the significant other. So there was a lot of action
And there was this newly married couple (frm da way they were giggling) seated in front of us. Newly married how?? They couldn’t seem to keep their hands off each other. So how NEWLY?? Hehe coz they were giggling. *Display of superior logical sense by Ships*
Man it was oh so hilarious…

Zoom back to the couple in front. It was November and the Volvo was air conditioned…wasn’t that hot I suppose. But this couple obviously were very hot (no pun). They were making out under the blanket. And every two minutes the blanket would be thrown open…lol breath of fresh air im guessing.
Purva and me cudnt help giggling. And since we couldn’t giggle loudly, we ended up sniggering. Rohini on the other hand was half asleep. Keeping her outta what was blatant fun would be cheating our closest friend. We woke her up. Lol. God alone knows which world she was in, she instead of being amused was staring intently at the couple, maybe trying to make out (no pun again) what precisely was going on. That put purva n me in another fit of laughter.

Man was it difficult to keep it low. Both us and the couple in da front. And that wasn’t all. When the vehicle stopped for some refreshments…all this happening at two in the night, the lady grinned at us. WE...grinned right back.
Well that was like one really hilarious episode. Which just added a sparkling beginning to a memorable trip.

But then what made me think really, was when da visit to aurangabad happened. *oh I need to write Revelations II*
Classmates turned couple. Hehe. It was kinda…I dono I felt very weird in their company. It was like they were flaunting. The caresses and the hugs didn’t seem natural, more like staged. So alright we understand that it has been only two weeks since both of you admitted to each other the koochi cooing feelings you both have, but why do you need to do da cooing in front of us?? Or show how much you know each other.
“shipra, we have a relationship where we don’t believe in showing that we are a couple, infact we both try and maintain a distance consciously. U know him naa. So... *ehhh??*

“u kno ship, HE is such a nice guy... when we are talking on the phone late at nights, I suddenly fall asleep and he gets so wild. But he still calls me the next day.”
*ROTFLMAO*
all the while they r holding each others fingers or I don’t even know how to describe it…touching each others fingers wid jus one finger. Man...such are people in love.

Then there was this scene when we got down from the bus and saw da guy kissing the gurl’s neck. Lol! right in the middle of a buzy road. What was more amusing was that maybe they didn’t notice but our professors were on the other side waiting to cross the road.
Hehe
We didn’t wait to see what happened next. I admit I was too embarrassed to see if he was really kissing her neck or... I now, would love to imagine variations in the ending...aah missed opportunities!!
Everyone would whisper. Even those gurls who feign distaste or disinterest. And that led to an extensive and urgent single-gurls-meet. Where we bitched bout one and all...talked about how disgusted we are with such improper behaviour and that such people have no shame!!! :-P ;-) A friend even had her mouth agape. Name withheld for author’s safety.

A lot happened actually in da visit to aurangabad. Like there was this another couple who were making out in da train. Ohh yeah. Not that I saw it, *darn* but we all saw da hickey on da guy’s neck and God alone knows where else. Yes we talked about the love bite too in the sisterhood-convention *wink* And during the bus journeys the gurl would sit on the guy’s lap. Not due to lack of seats… Again the finger thing happening.

*amused*

In all this I was paying rapt attention…don’t ask me why…coz I don’t wanna lie.

A Matter Of Choice? Really??

2005-03-16T17:19:00.000-08:00
Purv, the eternal optimist wrote a beautiful piece on making a choice. On how you decide what you wanna do. But she spoilt it for me by telling bout the creation of the poem. So now I am biased about it. And maybe, just maybe I don’t even like it.
I choose??!!??

Choices. Not really talking about the mauve one or the green one, whether to style my hair or not, clean da room today or wait for Seema...but the more bigger ones, the ones that make u look back and say, Im glad I chose that or during the less fortunate times regret da decision?

Ive always believed that no matter what choice you make, eventually you get what you are bound to get.
And no im not calling it Fate and shrugging off responsibility. It is about evolution. About being worthy of getting what ultimately you get. About grooming. To accept the inevitable, good or bad, is predestined. But relatively how much of both is what you choose. Because you get. You oh soo get what you deserve.

The Theory:
In Life. When you are grown up enough and your maa thinks so too, enough to let u make your own decision, there are always two choices. Not mandatory. But more often. Not the right or the wrong one. I don’t think there really is absolute right or a wrong. But two different choices which have life altering consequences. Or so it seems at that moment.

It is like a matrix I think. Or just a criss cross of paths, having the same end. Like da game where we choose the rite path for the rabbit to reach the carrot or something. Only here all the paths invariably lead to the carrot.

Choose ‘A’ and go on. To the next decision moment. Which is more often than not a result of chosing ‘A’. Choose ‘A’ again. Or whichever you choose. Then further, you choose ‘B’ and so in life you go on making choices, decisions, picking, preferring… creating more options and more alternatives merely by the choice you make in the previous situation.

But I think, had I chosen 'B'as my first decision, which again lead to two more choices, rather repercussions of my decision, the next set of choices again ‘A’ or ‘B’ leading to more picking and fretting eventually takes me, at some point which is the same as when I chose ‘A’ initially and went ahead.

So eventually, whatever way I choose, I in the end am getting precisely what I am suppose to get. I don’t believe in chitragupt.
So then is it fate all the way? Umm...I don’t know.
So am I saying we are not really responsible for what happens in our lives??

No. We are responsible for the next set of choices, for the responsibilities and the reactions. Ours and others. But all lead to something. And that something is I say predestined.

And how we take what is at the end of the journey is what our choices have shaped us up to be. Accepting, rebelling, regret, joy...

What we get is not altered, but how much we value it, definitely is.

FB is dying.

2005-03-11T16:23:00.000-08:00
FB, Frozen Beauty is dying. Almost on her death bed.

should have recognized the signs early on. Her wheezing and sneezing. Her constant freezing. And i thought she was down with cold or something. She is aligned along the window and it gets real cold. But then the visits got frequent. My compwala's. First it was every 6 months, then it was every couple o months, then we decided to get babe. More on history bout babe n FB's rivalry here. Well, even then FB held her own.

i guess the competition is too much for her these days. But then no one compares em these days. Its like owning children, two of em. No comparison. Each one is beautiful in her own right. But then with FB, im partial. Right from when babe was brought. After all, FB lives with me, in my own room, sharing my joy, my happiness, my days, my memories...everything.

*SIGH*
So i was talking bout her symptoms of illness. Being slow. Everyone attributed it to her old age. Like i said in da earlier post, she is SIX years old. Seven Running now. Then my tech savvy friends offered help and suggestions and tips on how to make her work faster and all. Did work for some days i admit. Then started the freezing phase. That is how FB came into being. The name. Till then babe wasnt in the picture. Then more freezing, more driver failures, more headaches, more phonecalls to the compwala....

Then babe happened. Then rest as they say is history.

Even then i was loyal to FB. I had made my decision, my choice. FB loyalty does count for sumthing. These days, its getting worse. Was getting worse rather. Alarm set in when one day when i turned her on and then did some work in word, loggd on to the net, realising some of the applications like the yahoo, wares, time n date stuff didnt load. Umm it wasnt as alarming really but more like a realisation to what was happening. Was kaam chalau. Wasnt so scary.

The day before, she started in Safe mode. Me thought, it was one of the normal recurring phenomenon. Didnt think much about it. Did what was the required process and then rebooted.
AGAIN SAFE MODE.
TRING TRING!!!!! Alarm ringing loud and clear.

Some intructions..
*not so calm anymore*
Read em in haste...maybe even followed em.
REBOOT
SAFE MODE
*panic*
try the rite clik and da properties, NOTHING...try the control panel shit. *so I DO KNOW about computers unlike purv...whos a techietard*
NOTHING

calls to Compwala, cell outta reach. *cussing...dissing*

REBOOT
log on to the net. frantically talking to all the so called tech guys *rolling eyes*
" mayb ur fan's bummed" "try rebooting again...press the F8 key all the while, select the first option when it comes" "did u try kicking her??" "me charging u 100 buck each word i utter"
*shrug* fate. screw em all. Doing stuff in 640 x sum resolution. 16 colour bit shit.

Yesterday finally got through the stupid compguy. He came over Ghar pe aaj.
Said the video driver "udd gaya hai"
*eyes widen*
"nahi nahi, it wont cost u anything"
like me gonna give u a single paise. BAH

Hes taken her to format her now.

Psst Psst: i dont think she is gonna survive the latest onslaught. Admitted have babe. But she aint like FB. If she dies, people, me mourning her death and gonna not blog for a week as a mark of my respect for her. And that folks... is sayin something.

Thinking Of You

2005-03-10T16:23:00.000-08:00
Damn u, damn u to hell and back. For being strong. For being indifferent. For moving on. For living life. For taking a second chance and a third and a fourth till you find her, ur true love yet again.
When im stuck. Unresolved. Undecided. Vulnerable and hurt. Scared.

No. I don’t think of you. But thoughts creep in. when I least expect it. And when I push them away, dreams weave a story. Or is it nightmare. U, I suppose will never realize. It is just an obsession. That we are not together anymore. Maybe I would have gotten over you had we still been friends. But talking to you was suffocating. It was getting claustrophobic. I was feeling closed, caged. Frustrated.

Me thinks me moving on. I think less of you these days. It’s a conscious effort. A premeditated decision. Pushing back the thoughts, the words, the images when they surface. Brutally crushing down the pain. Mercilessly stopping the tears. Forgetting you. And the fact that you exist. So a stray tear run down unchecked.

You decided I needed to get acquainted with what is music. With what makes a song. Never did u ever realize…I cared not so much about the music as much for you. Seeing you so passionate, so animated. Your voice actually enthusiastic till I would start giggling with delight at such innocence. Your eyes twinkling like the million starts I would be gazing at and then when you would be annoyed that I wasn’t listening to you, that sparkle fading into a dull sober glint. Toned down. But still there.

You were always different. Special. Singular. And that drive…the palpable energy. The one that would sweep away with it into the world where everything was perfect. Perfect for you. And a hundred faceless beings clapping. Giving you a standing ovation. And my heart…bursting with pride. My face growing with that silly grin and my soundless voice…screaming, breathless, excited.

Stories about how you will conquer the world. You doing what you always wanted to do. Doing what maybe you were destined to do. Stories, dreams, thoughts, fantasies all woven in Technicolor glory. So that the dreams look larger than life. You look larger than life. Stories, dreams, thoughts, fantasies…you.

I miss you sometimes. And your stories. And your passion. Your crazy techniques of wooing a gurl. And philosophies to make people feel nice. And that selfishness which is in every cell of your body. Your f!@#%^& self centered nature. Childlike simplicity. Adult pains. A bundle of paradoxes. Your whine. Your ecstasy.

I will move on. Will just take a little more time. And look back and smile that you happened. And praying…that never do u happen again. Ever.

Revelation I

2005-03-09T08:13:00.000-08:00
Having fun when u are with ur best pals and good friends and likable acquaintance is a no brainer…but reaching into urself as well as the place you are in, so much that you are almost physically drained when its over is something atleast I have never experienced until now. Until this trip happened.

The factory visits happened. Informative they were. Insightful.

But the sights, the smell, the taste (distaste rather) of the place, the people, the things is what made a profound impact. Places that were created from rocks, mountains, homage paid to the queen, the fort…awe inspiring.

Revelation

Reaching Ellora Caves, we were given an hour to go round the place and be back. We thought of hiring a guide to show us the caves, the history, the myths and the stories.

But I am glad we didn’t. We decided to go see the niches and the temple by ourselves. It was O-V-E-R-Whelming. A mind blowing experience. The carvings, the sculpture. The sheer beauty of the huge figures, the splendor of the hands and the imagination. The craftsmanship which died centuries ago, the touch, the feel, the sense of the rocks, the stones. The mythology, Nataraja, Kali…the caves!!

It was like being in a time wrap. It was being there yet detached with the noise and the excitement. There was serenity, purity. An almost holistic sense. It WAS awesome. Running fingertips over the statues gave flashes. Overworking imagination. Ours. But for sometime im soo sure I felt how it must have been done. When there was no sense o architecture, im guessing, no floor plans either. Creating a space from one huge boulder, a rock. And then with such perfection.

The beliefs, the hopes, the devotion all culminating into something which transcends people, eras, time. Maybe the sculptors, the craftsmen, the architects have died and born again. Revisited what they created eons ago. Had a sense of déjà vu. Instinctively known and seen the chisels, the torches, the bruises on the hands, the occasional death of a mate. Spanning 5 centuries, says the board outside the entrance. Building the structure and yet not complete. Almost in ruins. But the ruins is what makes it romantic. Broad shouldered men, tiny waisted women, cherubic looking children, Vishnu’s avatar as Padhmanabha, Shiva’s cosmic dance. Youth, desire, fatherhood, sculptures, eras, stones.

Yes it was beautiful.

Psst: thr’s more but I am tired to put it up now. Maybe there will be revelation II or maybe thr wont.

Still trying to get mah bearings...

2005-03-07T09:39:00.000-08:00
Bone Tired

Had been to aurangabad, for a week. Industrial visit says the form that needed to be signed by a parent or a guardian. Ends up more like a picnic

We DID go to Garware Polyesters and Videocon for a visit.

Then some sightseeing, Daulatabad Fort, Ellora Caves, Bibi ka Makhbara and some crappy invention by sum local on using water to grind wheat *speechless*

Things were fine, have a presentation today and dead tired. sleep deprived.

More on da trip when i regain my sanity.

Another Blue Moon Day

2005-02-25T07:42:00.000-08:00
The day comes once in a blue moon. A blue moon which is a holiday. So they are really few and far between. Those are the days that make me feel it would be better if I lived alone. Independent. But then again if I lived alone, then maybe…yeah at this point me always in two minds. This is something that has to be done some day. So actually when we think about it, this is something unavoidable. So now with me living with my folks, the only difference is that the occurrence is more frequent.

Waking up early in the morning. (Something I cant do, holiday-no holiday!! That explains my poor attendance in lectures.) But then the constant nagging that today is the D day or the W Day as the case is. “And that it is a fine morning. And a beautiful day has begun, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, there is a light breeze blowing. It’s a perfect day.”

It would have been, a perfect day had I got to sleep a lil more. Say a couple of hours more. But no, today is the special day. Which doesn’t come often. But why? Because most often the reason for the event doesn’t happen. And the time when the event should happen, we don’t have time. Frankly I think the event can happen anytime anyday. And the anytime and anyday can be postponed till people aren’t physically uncomfortable in the presence of the chief guest. But when the rest of the females in the household are adamant there is not much you can do but give in. Resign to fate and accept your destiny. Yes even when you are a female…

Now laundry isn’t a big deal, thanks to the miracle of washing machines. Yep there are days when I do thank technology even though Im dissing it most of the time. But today wasn’t the day I were to express my gratitude to the washing machine. Because today wasn’t any ordinary laundry day. Today was “washing you filthy jeans day” And that day, praise the lord, is special!! And mom decided that seema’s dignity cant take any more assault or she would just give up on the challenge of working for the Nayak family.

So today, she decided her elder daughter has to apply in practice what she(me) announces knows in theory. And that she(yeah…me) had to start with washing the forbidden textile. A pair of jeans, mine. And since I have to learn the lessons of life the hard way, no whirlpool magic for me but plain ol soap and brush and buckets and buckets of water. So there I was, washing as she says “dirt from hell”.

It wasn’t easy. The entire exercise. Started off with a choked gasp when I realized it was ME who was gonna do it.
Mom: “If u can wear that God awful thing , u sure can wash em urself”. Stumped.
Me: *wailing* BUT MAA!!!!!!!
Mom: *that stubborn set of shoulders*
Me: *sigh* so tell me how do I start.

The “event” special as it was, took me half an hour. And around 4 buckets of water. One pair of jeans. Was a matter of pride now!! Umm, looking back I think it was pretty neat. Yes the jean was neat and clean too. Now I know the fine nuances of washing a pair of jeans. And since I started off with the toughest…most difficult task, I can very well say and reiterate THAT I CAN WITH SUCCESS WASH A PAIR OF UNBELIEVABLY FILTHY JEANS. Now, questions like, how did they get so dirty and what was I doing so long, wont be dignified with answers.

I thought of swearing off wearing jeans, coz if I dirty em (not like I roll in the mud or sumthing. I can swear on FB that im a clean child. Have always been) *sudders* I might have to wash em. My respect for Seema has increased 5 brownies!! But then, Id need to swear off quiet a lot of things. Like white clothes, living in my room, eating, drinking, living??

I thinking…these days me getting a bit too domesticated for comfort.

Mom coos “mera baccha finally growing up!!!”
Papa puts it down to another blue moon day…

Makes me wonder...

2005-02-23T06:38:00.000-08:00
No it aint a story.

A handsome man, a pretty gurl. Both go to work in town. Travel by train everyday. Every evening in the general compartment after 9, they both would be. Returning home. Meeting everyday. Having fun. Falling in love. Thinking of a future. Parents agree, friends are happy. Both make a perfect couple. They look so lovely together.
But then the man tells the gurl he cant marry her. Because his kidneys may fail. He is living on just one kidney. The other one is so weak, it might as well be not functioning.

The gurl is heartbroken. But decides to see through to till the end. They get married. Have a baby gurl. Some more years pass by. His kidneys fail. The gurl, a woman now does everything she can to save her man. Financial burden, selling house, taking a loan, loses her job in the process. Kidney replacement aint inexpensive. People tell her he can’t be helped. That she has a daughter to take care of now, and herself. But she goes ahead.

He lives.

Till last week.

My mom’s friend is a widow now. With a 10 year old daughter. Working as a temp.

Makes me wonder…
about love….

La Devil...poetry et al

2005-02-22T09:47:00.000-08:00
Warning: The post below is to get back at all the pain and misery caused to the author by the person concerned. Any resemblance to any person living is the readers misfortune and no f!@#*$ coincidence

Recently La Devil has been showing signs of interest in stuff. Which would have been perfectly normal if they were normal stuff. However if something is wrong with her, i leave it to you to decide...

Here are her humble and beginner's attempts at shayris. At 2 in da nite no less. Some are pathetic and some are disgusting. And some are downright funny. But all are in hindi. So everyone is duly warned.
People are welcome to complete some of her verses...So here goes

"zindagi kya hai .......intezaar hi toh........gham ki somthin somthin......aur maut somthin somthin"

"sharbati naino ke jheeel mein doob jaane ko ji chahta
tumhare aane se mere zindagi mein somthin somthin hota hai
dil ki kashti kinara dhundhti hai.....
tere aankhon se koi nazara dhundhti hai..."

"dil ke tukde jaise zameen par bikhar gaye.....
tum conversation chod ke jaise yuhi nikal gaye" (this 1 was circumstantial...ask her why...)

"jhonka hawa ka yun chookar nikal jaaye.....jaise tum online aakar offline chala jaaye"

"logon kahan so jaao.....magar humne intezaar kiya.....dil ke armaano ko palko pe bithaliya"
Purv:U want more of my shayarana andaaz (she askin me)
Me: Oh shoot anyway *muhahahaha*

undetered she goes on...
"shayri kagaz kalam pe nahi likhi jaati......pyar karnewalon ki takdeer nahi badli jaati"

"gham dene walen hazzaaar mil jaate hai.......saath dene wala ek hi hota hai"

"maine kaha chand lakar do....to unhone kahan aaina dekhlo"

"logon ki nazren bachate aai hoon tumse milne.....ab tumhi se nazren chura rahi hoon"

"palkey uthi toh tumhare chehre ka deedar hua.......dil tumhara hi hakdaar hua (this is da saddest she admits)"

N MY PRSONAL FAVOURITE!!!!
"pyaar mein logon ki neend udjaati hai......hum to sote hai unke sapne dekhne"

all the while....we r laughing our butts off and in the span of 30 minutes.

Taking the Leap

2005-02-21T05:50:00.000-08:00
Wasn’t easy. My decision to do it. Had always thought I should do it. Not coz I NEED to do it, yes I can make do without doing it. Have always been fascinated by the entire concept. Of course people would say, people who do it on a regular basis that it is no big deal. That it doesn’t matter. That it is routine now and the fascination is gone. That there was no fascination to begin with, but I was fascinated. It seemed amazing. The pain, the pleasure…the need, the ecstasy!!

Nani says we belong to a conservative culture. That we need not venture into such things. That it is needless complication. And it is not like it is glaring obvious that I am not doing it. Just when we look carefully we see it. Said it might have long-term repercussions. Said I can do it after I get married. Or the time im gonna get married. Says its okie then. Coz I will be more grownup. And can bear the pain. I told her I can bear the pain even now. That I NEED to bear pain. How will I have pleasure then…ofcourse I didn’t say it out loud, nani would have a heart ache. And that every gurl I know does it. My nani was still vehement about not letting me do it. Said there are other options, that doing it…was not necessary. Now you would ask why do I need to ask nani about it…I didn’t. It just sorta happened.

My mom was okie bout it. She had no issues. Whether I do it or not. She just askd me if I were ever doing it, that I need to be careful and that should go to someone who has more experience. They are more gentle for the first timers. What with all the pain and soreness…And she did admit if I were to ever do it sumtime now, then I mite have to do it again and again and again. And that there might be times when I don’t want to. That im bored and that im disgusted. And that there are gonna be times when it will be the test of my endurance coz it will hurt like hell, will be draining, physically…emotionally!! But im still gonna have to do it. Because there is no other way out. And that during winters it might pain more than usual. But I still m gonna have to do it. Because I chose to do it. And that there is no stopping.

My older friend said it kinda gets addictive later. Some people do it everyday. She does it everyday. And some people do it every alternate day. The best part about it is, she said, though it needs to be done during a specific time of the day/nite, it can be done anytime. That it has flexibility. And she said the adrenaline rush…is sumthing that has to be experienced more than to be talked about. Said its more fun when there are people around. And if we had to do it alone then music should accompany. She suggested I do da earlier. Since she knows im more the social kind.

All that made me a lil apprehensive. Mixed emotions. Of course I was brought up in a conservative family. Mere physical strain didn’t seem right. I had to be emotionally and mentally prepared too. To give myself to it. Seemed like a serious commitment to me. And I was not sure if I were upto it. I was too young for such working towards the building of such relationship. Such dedication. But I decided to do it. To see if I can make it. It was a challenge. And im glad I did it.

And now its been 3 months since im doing it. I feel more energetic, more supple more beautiful and confident about myself. And bonus…lost a bit of weight too…

Gymming sure is a lot of fun…and yes…it is addictive ;-)

When the going gets tough...

2005-02-17T09:11:00.000-08:00
Life’s always been in a mess…but these days its worse than da usual.
Disgusting Net connection.
FB behaving funny…
Assignment due for submission on Tuesday. Thirty two odd (read really weird) problems. MATH!!! *shudders*
HUGE telephone bill…
Fav kameez (no not pink, blue) torn by Rocky my doggie…
College nearing an end… no clue wat future holds…no clue wat I want either!!!!
Close friend fallen in love WID ME *rolling eyes*
Friend starts blogging…n is threatening to take away my traffic…
and this while you are having da worst case of writer’s block ever!!!!
Annd….ANNNDDDDDD….!!!!!!……..
I AM ILL!!! SO BAD THAT I AM GONNA DROWN IN MY OWN SNOT
All that in an ascending order…umm no wait…not necessarily in ascending…

I don’t know when it started, the “BAD” phase. I don’t really care. It seems like forever though. I mean the disgusting net connection is since forever…FB has been a pain in da ass since forever…da frd in love is since forever…confesses a week ago though.

Assignment is looming like a big insurmountable mountain.
And phone calls…WAT???!! m a GURL, aren't i???!!!!!!!!
Rocky excited tugged at my dress the other day and thr…a 3”x 2” tear…

The “so then…what next in life??” is the favourite statement of every one I know.
Purv blogging is a recent phenomenon, so is me not able to pen two words.

Me being ill…. all started a fortnight ago with me visiting a sick friend. Yeah people. A kindly visit to a friend who messages at 8 in the morn that she can’t move at al that bad is her cold. After lectures, Miss Goody-two-shoes(read me) thinks da friend will feel nice bout a visit. Friend feels nice alrite…so does the bug she has!!!!!
No points for guessing who the friend is… and whom does the bug thinks is its permanent home.
Irony…*sigh*

And everything goes downhill from there!!! I bet this aint done yet. This patch.There is more to come…worse things…I can feel it. But m beyond caring. BAH!

When the going gets tough…
the tough get going….
When the going gets tougher…
The tough care a damn!!!

Psst psst: me going shopping today.
Occasion: severe bout of blues
Excuse: sis’s b’day
Predicted result: hopeful lift in spirits…

Seeing Om

2005-02-13T18:18:00.000-08:00
No, Om is not some hunky guy I spent my V day with…he is not even some cute guy paying the rickshaw fare…In fact there was no guy in the picture. Hunky or otherwise.

Two guys …my friends actually,
Them: So then ships, whos da lucky one to be your valentine??
Me: umm no 1 as yet. This is at 5 00 in the evening when I was on my way home
Them : What??!!! NO ONE??!!!!?? WAT IS HAPPENING!!!!????
Me: well if u are so darned concerned bout me having a good day y don’t U do the honours…No, no1. Guys r getting dumber I suppose…*sad smile which makes me look like im in acute pain*
Even my best friend didn’t or rather couldn’t, “ask me out” for coffee or sum shit ( no pun) coz he’d got classes till 7 and then was way too tired to even bother…sigh…u cant even rely on ur close friend to make a day special…
*HUGE SIGH*

Ofcoure we spent da day at purva’s. Rohini (da silent one among us trio) purv n me. We watched Da Amazing Race coz we had missed da finale last evening. That brings me back to seeing Om.

She(purva) has this frame hung in her living room with some optical illusion. Just a printed fabric with some psychedelic stuff. Looks like a non descript thing really. Said if you stare at it, concentrate really hard, you see Om. First its just a big symbol but then as you concentrate harder…you see it surrounded by a ring…further…it seems like the picture is hanging in space. Then when you are at the peak of your focus, you see tiny Oms surrounding the Big OM.

How do I know? Did I see the entire thing?? Heck no. I think I saw the whole universe instead. It was like Yashoda seeing the Brahmand in Krishna’s mouth. I saw a child in da womb, a banana, some flower, a wave of sorts…a nose, eyes….aah well da last two were my reflection in the glass frame…but just no Om!!! 5 minutes. Random images. 7 minutes…purva’s mom and dadi come see what is happening. 10 minutes…I am getting restless and irritated. 12 minutes…the others are having fun.
“First jus unfocus, ships…then slowwwwwly sharpen the image into focus. Do you see??!!!??” –purva NNHO I DON’T SEE!!!!!!!
“now we are soo used to the pic, it doesn’t even take 10 seconds for us to spot the entire thing”-purva’s maid. AAH WELL THANKZ A TON!!!!!

Finally…I just gave up. “You need concentration ship, concentration!!!”

Which takes me back few more days…”What are you thinking??”- My music teacher. And it is fairly easy to catch me when im dreaming bout ...er..ahem…tuning into the cosmos…coz my voice turns nasal and my fingers skip keys on the harmonium. “Feeling sleepy kya??" Fellow student smirking. “This key…THIS KEY!!!! No no it aint sssssaaaeeeeeee its SSSSSAAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA”

Rite now…. I am reading up on Attention Deficit Disorder.

A Clean Slate

2005-02-10T14:04:00.000-08:00
There are times when you just want to curl up and cry. Mourn. There is no problem really. But it scares you that there is nothing. If you scratch beneath the surface all there is, is a void. And a cold void. Empty space. Which does not console. Which is harsh. Which pokes u in the eye and says, “LOOK!!! Look at you. Who are u really?” There is darkness. And you are not sure if you have ur eyes open or shut. There is no difference anyways.

You want some thing close to you. A clean slate. Someone who isn’t judgmental. Sumthing like the scene in 50 First Dates. But then it scares you. You can not trust TRUST for what it is. You can not trust LOVE for what it is. Its way too frivolous. It is definitely not for you. Skeptical. Suspicious. Of the emotion. Of the person offering it. If he was faking u will never know. If he is genuine, you can never know. He cant even prove his love. You are not sure if you want him to. You will be under obligation then?? To love him back. And that you can not do. Can’t love anybody but you. Not because you cant but because u don’t want to. Are you self centered?? Yes. And you want to be so. Coz its convenient, coz u don’t have to think bout others. Though u know others cant be like that. And it is because of the knowledge that you can be who you are right now. Can afford to be so right now.

You are in a cocoon. Like you are living in a tower. Built by urself. And it is kinda strange. You see, you perceive but yet it isn’t happening to you. Because you don’t feel. Its like you are living, yet you aren’t. Like the inner you is outta ur body floating. Seeing, looking…watching. You have that smile on your face. That twinkle in your eye. Yet you are detached. Aloof. How well you act. But then it isn’t an act either. You are living in the moment. Yet you feel so empty after its done. It is like the curtain closing and you are back to being a non descript entity who is changing faces every new play. Every new scene. So much charade in the air…it becomes oppressing. Difficult to breathe. Two timing…two faced. Multiface. But then isn’t that what you are too? A new garb, a new look a brand new costume for a brand new character.

And are you even true to yourself? Do you speak the truth? Will you admit that it is over and move on? Tell yourself that no matter how much you pretend, everything is not hunkydory in your life. And just coz you don't want to see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It is there. Rotting and festering...waiting...till one day when the stench is so strong, you just can't ignore it anymore. What then?? The least you can do is stop ignoring... Because it won't go away. It still will haunt you at night. Wake you up in cold sweat. Sneak up on you when you least expect it. When you are sure it isnt there anymore.

It is kinda confusing. Knowing what you want. Knowing what you are. Knowing what you begin with and how it is going to end. Confusing and scary. Scary coz you don’t have the control. No matter what you say, deep down you know it isn’t you who is holding the reins. And you are vulnerable. Defenseless. And there is nothing you can do but just sail along…flow along…hoping and praying that there will be an uprooted tree to which you can hang on to. For the moment…For dear life…

Tuning into the Cosmos

2005-02-08T10:08:00.000-08:00
I was telling Abhinay the other day to feel the vibes of my radiant personality. He decided he couldnt feel anything. I (rising to the occasion) told him to tune in to the cosmos...and that IF he fails, it really doesn't matter. What with him being a mere mortal. Once i was done giving him crap, I thought bout wat I'd just said. And decided its one of those things, which sound nonsensical the first time you utter it.But then once you say it, you find there is something hidden in it. Or maybe its just me...

Well anyways, so tuning back to what I was saying...there are times when you are supersensitive to everything around you and there are times when you can stare at something and not take anything in. Eternity wrapped up into a moment and a moment that goes on for eternity...naah naah. No word play.

The buzzing of the bee and the hypnotic yellow of its tail

Hearing the leaf of your favourite plant open its bud

Ringng bells and perfumed sticks taking you back to the ancient Orient wisdom.

Rollin the word “entrepreneur” in your mouth and thinking it kinda sounds funny.

Green whitewashed walls reminding of 5th grade Science teacher.

Strangely the doodle looks like the answer to the mystery of curly hair.

Water from the shower looks like rain jewels.

Looking into his eyes and realizing he has brown eyes with flecks of gold.

Watching prof talk...opening n closing his mouth...and thinking -funny he looks like a fish!!

The anxiety of a 100 people catching the Churchgate Fast Local and not to mention thier sweat and body spray.

Pink kinda looks sexy in some way these days

Standing on top of the mountain and shit im acrophobic...!!!!

A lint on the spotless white cotton kameez.

Life...Love...Memories...Space....Time...Cosmos....
Mortals....Elixir....Death??
Naah. Rebirth!!!

So I dont dig cars!!!!!!

2005-02-05T03:53:00.000-08:00
“DID YOU SEE THE BEAUTY THAT ZOOMED BY???!!!! Nope. I didn’t see the beauty that zoomed by. I was too buzy checkin out da guy who was paying the rickshaw fare. More often than not, while us college friends are walking, this is the line that gets repeated again and again and again till I feel I just have to let up and puke it out of my system. It gets worse when these is another pretty (the first one is me ofcourse!!!) gurl walking by the side.

Why would guys want to talk about cars and their make when soo obviously gurls don’t get it even if their lives depended upon it. Okie gurls in this context are the ones like me who are just so bad with automobiles that I have to look at the shiny alphabets in the rear of the gaddi to know what make it is. What the heck, I just can identify an Ambassador or a Maruti 800 and maybe a Santro without any help. The others are all the same. Tinboxes as a friend called it once. It doesn’t come as a wonder if I tell that I don’t know how to drive. But then even that admission isn’t enough to appease the minds and the talks of my guy friends. “Oh come on ships like that is a handicap!!! Look at A, she drives down to college but has she any clue if she is diving a ____ or a _____. She might as well be driving a cardboard box on wheels for all the respect she pays to the car. *rolling eyes*

Why such vehement response outta the blue would you ask? Because I am given a task. Setting up a fictional auto spare parts plant!!! As a part of the entrepreneurial project. I cant spell the darned word. Wont help the cause if I tell the professor I don’t have a single entrepreneurial bone in my entire body!!! The professor didn’t stop at just setting the Goddamned thing. He wants us to make it into a global leader in spare parts. !@##%$^????? *Choked voice box*

The best part is yet to come!!!! The guys in the team have no clue about automobiles. Bloody losers!!!! In other instances I would have thank the lord and hugged the guys but now I cant seem to decide if I should throttle them or myself. The situation would have been hilarious if not so pathertic. Iam at my wits end!! Tried googling for “spark plug” some one during the brain storming session told us that it is the smallest part after nuts and bolts. But then yesterday someone else told me there are different spark plugs for different types of vehicles. Id be damned!!!! Then we decided (so obviously didn’t want to complicate the already doomed to failure project) that windscreen would be the next bet. Now today im googling for wind shields from Garware.

*resigned to fate* There are some things a gurl doesn’t get. This is one of them. Technology is another. No I don’t feel bad or left out. There is only so much that a gurl can do to keep her ego into check. How would it help if I knew everything about everything. It would be hell to live wid someone with so intelligent and proficient in everything. Now if isn’t hell to live with me already, I leave it to Purva to comment. And im sure she wont let me down.

Psst psst: incidentally Purva knows a lot about cars and their makes and she can drive too. And before people reading this think she is God’s gift to “man”kind. Remember she has a forked tongue and a nasty mind.

Filter Coffee And Manna Dey

2005-02-01T09:09:00.000-08:00
Today I made my amma proud. Learnt how to brew coffee. FILTER COFFEE!!! The sign of a true Southie. Amma flinches when i talk about Barista and Coffee Day. Coffee ain't coffee till it is M. R. Filter Coffee. Hehe, but it IS true. Filter Coffee is Filter Coffee!!!

The entire exercise was real neat i think. That old steel filter, the aroma of spilled M R Coffee powder in the kitchen, my harrowed mom, amused papa. The coffee dripping through the filter, sloshing some on the counter while pouring it in da mug, the mess...

And how does Manna Dey figure in the equation? Its sumthing bout Coffee at 2 in the nite. The part of me who had fun making coffee and found it darned cool, didn't want to share it with Bryan Adams or The Eagles, they just wouldn't understand. No offence guys, i like you at other times...but something as....as...as deep as the night and silence and the quiet and ofcourse M.R. Filter Coffee, a Laaga chunri mein daag...seems more fitting or a Zindagi Kaisi Hai Paheli or even a Chalat Musafir from Teesri Kasam...

Had a friend over (i called her up to make her try the coffee i'd made *wink*) , and had some more of Manna Dey playing even then and I told her, Ain't he cool??!!!?? And she was like, who is Manna Dey? Trust me...my jaw dropped to the floor and my eyebrows disappeared in my hairline!!!!! Many haven't even heard of him!!!! Now with him being awarded the Padma Bhushan, there ought to be a li'l more awareness I guess. Its kinda sad, i thought once she left after a detailed explaination from me , my sis and even my mom about da kinda songs he sung, the bengali songs, how he landed up in mumbai...blah...blah...poor Vidhu, a coffee brewd by me and lesson in Music by the ladies of N family...well good thing, bet da next time she gets my call saying come over 4 coffee, she is gonna think twice!!

So here I am, at 2 in the night listening to "Laaga Chunri Mein Daag..."with that silly grin on my face and steaming hot coffee (da 3rd mug...i can make good filter coffee huh) and feeling nice. Nice might be too inadequate a word. But then that is precisly what I am feeling-NICE. Content. And there is just music. In its purest form. Manna Dey singing alankaar...and me blogging. And there is the night, silence, quiet. And there is Coffee. Window half opened, just a ray of moonlight falling across FB and the shadow of the night lamp. And the sense of...no, just the sense, the feel...of just being. Suspended in the time. Its so magical, it is almost unrealistic.Don't even wanna think, or word. The flow, as seamless and as smooth as the voice and as rich and as delicious as the coffee. The essence swirling in my mouth, my mind, my being. There is lathargy but there is alertness. Drugged senses but supersensitivity towards sound, voice, light, taste...*smiles* I wonder if this is what they call a high...

"woh duniya more babul ka ghar...
yeh ghar duniya sasuraal...
haan jaake babul se nazreen milaoun kaise....
Ghar jaaoon kaise...
Laaga Chunri mein daag......."

The Mystery Behind...

2005-01-29T05:17:00.000-08:00
Unclean rooms and lost possessions.

*hands clapped on ears and eyes squeezed tight* ALRITE SO I CAN NOT BEAR LIVING IN A MESSY ROOM for more than 5 days!!!!!!!(there I said it…n there was no akashwani). Much to the glee and mirth of my folks and the amusement of my maid.

The 2nd day, then the 3rd day…restlessness… fourth day coming back from college…anxiety…FINALLY today couldn’t bear anymore!!! My room was at the zenith of its dirty glory, so much so that even my dog wud jus come in, lick my face, twitch his nose n walk right bak out as against he sittin on my bed and enjoying the luxury of not doing anything…before I lose the link…

My room unlike most of the adolescents has always been spick n span. Thanks to seema my maid. But then today I noticed, things were just where I left them 4 days ago. No wonder I couldn’t seem to write, or read or study; the room was way too messy for my ideas to take shape and my creative juices to flow. Toh I realized Seema wasn’t cleaning my room anymore!!! Apparently, as I learnt today (after I was done replacing my room 2 pristine splendor) that Pappa had told Seema NOT to clean my room so that he could see how long his daughter could live in the self-created Pigsty.

Not long as it happens. It did not take me long to clean the mess on the floor and on the bed (No, no not proud of the fact, kinda sheepish) But then when I opened my cupboard, the drawers the cabinets…no wonder I would never get the Black tee or the bandhni dupatta or the Opal studded thumb-ring!!!! I couldn’t seem to find em coz Seemaji would dump anything remotely textile in my almirah and the rest of the things in the drawers and cabinets. So then I cleaned the drawers and it is amazing how things remain intact if you don’t touch them/use them for more than 6 months!! *wearing the look of marvel AND the ring*

So then my room is all clean and immaculate and my creative juices are also thawing from the sudden artic freeze and here I promise I WILL ALWAYS KEEP MY ROOM CLEAN by myself…*fingers crossed at da back ;-)*

Psst Psst: a "Seema...me tired re....help me a teeny weeny bit naa...." n a puppy dog face can do miracles huh*devilish Grin*

MultiFaceted

2005-01-26T14:38:00.000-08:00
A daughter, a sis, a friend, a student, an acquaintance, a stranger...
These many and many more. No, not Multiple Personality, but multi-dimensional. more than height, width and depth. But also time and space and people and relationships and work...Nothing out of ordinary, just one among the many people who have so many roles to play. Each one so different from the other. And no role is common. Absodamnlutely nothing is common other than you. But you too assume different shades, different tints with different moods, different hues with different situations. When ever did I say things are simple? We are. Open and free like a book which can be read without a library card. But closed like the clam. No, I am not playing with words. Isn't that how we all are? Being what we are when we want to be.

Multifaceted. All of us. Then why the disguise? Why, I am who I am take me or leave me. Which one of you do we take anyways?? Besides, we all know it matters when people don't choose to take us as we are. Why even bother making people take a stand when we would want people to take a favourable stand. Being uncomplicated. Naah, who am i kidding. It aint easy to even be uncomplicated. Coz Fate won't want it that way. And even if it does...okie admitting-it never does!!

I cry. But when I do so in front of an acquaintance, he/she is surprised. I mean, COME ON NOW!!! when I am overwhelmed, I cry!!! And when I goof up in front of my nani, I get a mighty stern stare....*gaping mouth like a fish* Can't I be anything else than the same ol accha baccha??!!!??

It isn't fun to be one-dimentional. Being expected to play the role you are assigned to is bad enough. Doing it soo perfectly that u are called the ideal kid, student, friend is worse!!!!(so now u see Maa, why I am not da ideal kid like Mrs. D'souza's daughter) It isn't life if there is nothing eventful. A little extra, to remind yourself and others that you are not restricted to just that one character you play. Love, pain, anger, envy, success... people, pets, places, food...clothes, movies, junk jewellery??!!??..... Not living this would be like drinking soda without any fizz, we might as well drink plain water.

Routine.... is for the unimaginative and so is just one cut on the face of the gemstone!!!

Dear Diary...

2005-01-23T07:13:00.000-08:00
This weekend went to meet a guy whom I met online. Thought of doing something about my "Single" status. Took Purva along...and ZOOM went all the tidy plans outta the coffeeshop door. Yes diary, no points for guessing, Purva, with all her sarcasm and witty jokes charmed his pants off :( Yes my dear leather diary, the butt of all her jokes was me...He found her sarcastic and smart...and me he found "cute and funny"*rolling eyes*

Sigh...sarcasm works on guys eh....

CONSOLATION: Free Coffee, free rickshaw ride in the cool evening and pepped up life. No no, Not mine, Purva's!!!! Last I knew, he askd her for her phone no.

Psst Psst: She even posts nasty comments on my blog :(( So then why do i bear her you ask? Coz she does all home assignments on time, and they are all correct...and I spend all my time blogging and filling you up.

Nose Stuck In The Air

2005-01-21T12:50:00.000-08:00
And so she walked with her nose stuck in the air...
Little did she know there was a ditch ahead
And even when she fell...
Her nose was still in the air...

Let me tell you people...being arrogant is no small feat. Okie agreed people tag u names like Haughty, Overbearing, Presumptous(took a peek at da dictionary) but then i think that is because they somewhere deep inside are kinda Jealous that you are arrogant and they can't be.

It is elegant. It is charismatic...it is Majestic even. We all know it is attention catching (is that a good thing...now that is a matter of opinion) It can make people be in awe and make you look standoffish. Now being standoffish makes people curious, again that is debatable but anything that can pique a person's curiousity is a good thing according to the author :P. It;s in the way you walk, like you own the whole damned world. The way you talk, like you are the best thing that happened to the "man"kind

My professor said the other day, which stuck and i find it beautiful, " A ballerina can't perform if she is modest" .Now I am not comparing myself with a ballerina. I would if I could, but I can't so I won't. But then I was like..."SO TRUE SO TRUE!!!!"

Being arrogant makes you feel...well...arrogant!! It can come in real handy. Like in trains...when you look at people with that how-dare-you-ask-me-to-shift look, you can be real comfortable all along the train journey. Am I being bitchy?? Ofcourse that too comes with being arrogant. Then again, when there are projects to be done, people don;t ask for your project coz they think you will snap their head off. This helps in keeping your project creative and non-duplicable. (of course if you do a copy-paste job coz you have a 24 hour net connection...then we aren't talkin about originality but hard work :P)
Arrogance can help you bullshit your way thru...this is different from the project thingy, this is the next phase. Like when there are project presentation, and you say something, the audience won;t ask ask you what you spoke about (ofcourse unless they know the answer themselves n ur wrong)

So you see, being arrogant and snobbish has its own virtues. It is not about status. It is about ATTITUDE!!! Some people can't carry it well. But like da lady (that's the word!!! LADY) who fell in the ditch earlier, who has her nose firmly in the air...you must have the attitude to carry it off. I do!! *grin* Or else you end up lookin like a wanna be.

There is a small disadvantage though. For people with a certain kind of disorder (we are talking about Smartasss here), it can make them antagonistic (wrt the audi in da presentation of project mentioned earlier). But the soluton is simple. Cut them down sizes. Brutally!!

So my style mantra...IF you have it flaunt it...if you dont then aah well....."L"!!!!!!!!!

psst psst: no offence intended!!(ofcourse im being formal)

Dying Soul...Surviving Soul

2005-01-21T04:14:00.000-08:00
And No... im not suicidal. Yes, the issue resolved. It's the extreme ups and downs a normal human faces.( at least in this part of the world they do )

It is like the walls are closing in. And it is stifling, dying. There is a fledgling attempt to live. To take that little breath of air, to survive. Just this moment, oh please, just this moment…to let my soul live, survive through this phase. To not to die. It is getting increasingly difficult to hold on, to hang in there. The spirit, so weak, so fragile…on the brink, the verge of giving way. It would be so easy. Letting go, succumbing, crumpling. Letting the core just fade into nothingness. Oh so tempting. So very inviting to just be weak. For now, forever. Courage be damned, balls to strength. To wrap around that cold blanket of cowardice. To be one among those beings with broken spirit. Yes, it means being damned as long as you live. Being undead. But the idea is enticing. For one moment of peace, the forever of violence. For one moment of weakness, the forever of self-punishment. For one moment of nirvana, the forever of hell.

Regrets will come. So will remorse. And that shame…of looking in the mirror and not being able to meet my eye. Because I will have let myself down. Let down all those people who love me, have faith in my strength, who take courage from me staying put. And then dying another slow death. That pain, the disappointment in their eyes. That empty look. That blank stare.

It can be worth it isn’t it. This one moment of surrender. Because I can’t hold on. Not anymore. Words are no consolation. Empathy seems like artifice. Why do I have to fight this battle. Why can’t I just accept that I am weak and vulnerable like the million others in the planet.
Then why am I mourning this slow death of my soul. People don’t matter!!! Not meeting myself in the mirror is just an impressive line!! Shame will eventually become paler…and then one day there will be no emotion, just an empty shell. That cant be so bad, right?? There are people living like this everywhere, right?? I don’t have to fight this battle. I am not responsible, accountable to anybody but myself. And I can live with the façade. Yes I can. YES I CAN!!!!

Or can I…???

Writer's Block

2005-01-18T06:30:00.000-08:00
Okie, so its been 3 days since I've updated the blog. And there are loadsa things to write about too. Like my friend "purva" who is always sarcastic...my dog (since my comp is already done :P) mumbai local trains...tons of philosophy...MY fashion statements (i aint ritu berry but wat da heck) what is happening in mumbai presently, what song is topping the charts...my my i sound like Page 3!!!!

But right now...nothing...nothing seems to flow from my mind to the fingertips to the keyboard. *shudders* this uneasiness stems from the constant urge to yak. I am sure, this "writer's block" post will be pretty lengthy by itself. Coz that's the way it always. Even when I can't seem to pen anything...I pen something. People of my gen call it bullshitting your way through. Now look...I didn't say a word which makes sense- i mean actual sense...and here we are on the 13th line. And so I take pride on going on n on n on.....

So i'll stop here(supposed to have writer's block).

Till then. (there the post is done albeit crap but done)

Letting Go

2005-01-15T11:25:00.000-08:00
Alright so this post is in the moment of self pity. Damned the song...it always triggers off the feeling. This--this feeling of not pain exactly, but it definately doesnt make me feel on top of the world. I mean, everywhere I go, im reading about pain and sad songs and well people breaking up all over the place. So I decided, why not put in my sob story too...and NO...i didn't break up exactly...well its a long story (like any 1 i've said has ever been 2 sentences thing...was always bad at preci writing)
Close friends would say I am romanticising the entire thing. Maybe I am too. I agree this aint love. Nope, no matter how much I would want to think that it is...it just isn't. But then why does it hurt so much...why can't I seem to grow out of it, why is that one song, that one guitar pluck enough to make me feel of him...think of him. And he was just a friend for God's sake!!!
Yeah now next comes the "it is coz u dont want to...."lecture...yeah i suppose I just don't want to. I don't want to let the feeling fade away. Still hoping he will come back, say he is sorry ( we were just good friends huh) and that he missed talking to me...secretly hoping he would read this post. Sigh...too much to ask

Broken Sandals and Mumbai Trains...

2005-01-12T09:09:00.000-08:00
I know you will ask...so why wear them when they slip and you lose them...
*sniff* n they were so pretty!!! with the silver rhinestones types stones studded...and no I didn't lose them.
it all happened today...not for the first time lemme tell you. But then I can't stop commuting by Trains just coz Sandals break and slip ons slip off and sneakers get pulled out of your feet (yeah it happens...travel by the Ladies Compartments anytime between 7 in the morn to 11 in the noon-yep first class too!!!)
okie...back to the topic.
So what happened was...we had PPTs (Pre Placement Talks for people who ...thinking of a barbed comment...) and obviously we have to wear formals...so i decided on wearing a pretty PINK(ye ye yeah!!! PINK!!!!) salwaar kameez. And I have this pair of PINK again...( it was co incidental i swear on FB) rhinestone studded sandals which went totally with the ensemble. And when I was getting down at Andheri (thats like the most crowded station any time of the day--this again for people who don't know but if you don't know even this...then I can tell...u have NO GENERAL KNOWLEDGE!!!!)
so when I was getting down at Andheri station there was this lady standing right in the middle of the way (me thinks of dedicating a post on the finer aspects of MUMBAI LOCAL TRAINS so that would prevent me from explaining all the NO-NOs in the trains) my sandal ka heel broke. yeah!!!
And I didnt know what to do. And then there was this bridge i needed to climb. Now i couldn't remove my sandals right...and I couldn't buy any because it was 8 in the morning. So I slowly climbed the bridge which was an ordeal...2"heeled sandal one one foot and a flat sandal on the other. Forget the limp...(getting into the intricacies of the design of the sandal...)BOTTOMLINE : It really hurt. The 5 minute climb. And the crowd was not helping either.
So then I caught a rickshaw to my college and sat pondering about what is to be done. And then the brain wave hit. AND...I pulled out the other heel(the 2" wooden block stuck to the sandal)*gloating on the ingenious idea*
Now it was okie...though a little uncomfy. But i sailed through. And the PPT wasn't bad either.

Psst Psst: in case you ever lose one of your sandals or shoes getting into the train...please be kind and drop the other one on the platform or in the nearby vicinity. It helps the ragpickers.

Being One Month Old!!!!

2005-01-10T12:08:00.000-08:00
Hey people…I turned one month old…my BLOG turned one month old. And this one month has been super cool. And what this one month has taught me is…time sure moves veryyy fast. I didn’t even realize it was a month already.
Writing has always been easy. Expressing thoughts and verbalizing emotions. But this is a different kind of expression. One im getting addicted to. I admit blogging Is addictive…as is books and internet and gymming and telephone and people...

One successful month and at the end of it I don’t even need to coerce my friends to check out my blog * sheepish grin*

Okie…so here is the speech…
“I * sniff* am so glad to receive the honour of completing my one…yes people…ONE whole month of BLOGGING!!! *sob *And I will want to share this unforgettable moment with my maa *grin and a wave * who will be proud of the fact that her attention-deficit daughter could stick to one thing for one whole month!!! Mrs. Jose, my English teacher whose lessons in Grammar and Sentence construction has now come in handy and ofcourse BSNL for the wonderfully disgusting internet connection that I am stuck with. And who can forget FB….blah…. blah ….. and finally I too want WORLD PEACE!!!!( just saw miss congeniality)

alrite people, jokes apart, this has been real fun. Here’s to more blogging…!!!!

Cheers

Guys and Pink

2005-01-09T19:15:00.000-08:00
wow...some of the most vehement responses i have got thankz to this blog of mine...But no, before you people misunderstand me...it isnt for my killer writing or my deep as still waters ideas :P but for the colour of my blog template.
"What is that colour???!!!????"
"ur blog is soo...sooo....PINK"(a constipated look along with it)
"YUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!"
"yeah ur a gurl...so Pink is justifiable on your blog i suppose"(this was rakesh one of the more subdued reactions to the PINKNESS of my blog)

Now now guys...let me tell ya...my fav colour has always been shades of red...i read someplace RED is equated to PASSION(cocking one eyebrow and a lopsided grin). okie truth be told. I had a purple font on my yahoo messenger...and then there were people who would ask me "Are you a male or a female??" coz i always have had neutral profiles n ids...now THAT really rankled...( apparently me having an issue with it is still not dead and buried. I realise that now)

And no...my blog template ka colour has nothing to do with the messenger issue (SO WHY IN HELL AM I EVEN JUSTIFYING!!!!?????)

well people...Pink as it happens as someone told me recently is the colour of love and caring nature ( you believe that and...and....well...you are a sucker) And I dont expect all my guy friends to fall in love with my blog template...now my blog by itself is a different matter altogether.:P :P

I love pink.Period!!

Psst Psst: A guy in a pink pull-over can look real hot. Or maybe the guy I saw was gay coz as my bro pointed out" no guy in his right mind or umm right sexual prefernce would be even seen dead with THAT pullover on" (it was candy pink) But was real cute sight...sigh!!!!

Microsoft and Blogging

2005-01-07T10:21:00.000-08:00
Fortune Magazine says the TOP 10 TRENDS is BLOGGING...an excerpt:
"Early in the evening of Dec. 1, Microsoft revealed that it planned to take over the world of blogs—the five-million-plus web journals that have exploded on the Internet in the past few years. The company's weapon would be a new service called MSN Spaces, online software that allows people to easily create and maintain blogs. It didn't take long for the blogging world to do what it does best: swarm around a new piece of information; push, prod, and poke at it; and leave it either stronger or a bloody mess. The next day, at the widely read Boing Boing blog, co-editor Xeni Jardin opted to do the latter.
She titled her critique of MSN Spaces "7 Dirty Blogs" and hilariously sent up the fickle censoring filters Microsoft appeared to have built in. MSN Spaces prohibited her from starting a blog called Pornography and the Law or another entitled Corporate Whore Chronicles; yet World of Poop passed, as did the educational Smoking Crack: A How-To Guide for Teens. Within the first hour of Jardin's post, five blogs had linked to it, including the site of widely read San Jose Mercury News columnist Dan Gillmor. By the end of the day there were dozens of blogs pointing readers to "7 Dirty Blogs," a proliferation of links that over the next few weeks topped 300. There were Italian blogs and Chinese blogs and blogs in Greek, German, and Portuguese. There were blogs with names like Tie-Dyed Brain Waves, Stubborn Like a Mule, and LibertyBlog. Each added its own tweak. "Ooooh, that's what I want: a blog that doesn't allow me to speak my mind," wrote a blogger called Kung Pow Pig. The conversation had clearly gotten out of Microsoft's hands."

Later its getting techie and statistical but is fun....
Further Reading ke liye :http://www.fortune.com/fortune/print/0,15935,1011763,00.html

Frozen Beauty...

2005-01-05T08:08:00.000-08:00
I have this insane urge to shake you till your insides rattle!!! Hit you till you understand. Kick you…slap you. Drum some sense in you. Make you realize. I get so disgusted with you; I feel…I feel like just picking you up and banging you against the wall. And then I am shocked at the violence I am capable of. The kind of hostility you can evoke in me. And then I look at you. Your sheer beauty. The perfection. And oh just 6 years old!! (she turned 6 last December 19th Dec ’04) But such a lady…so poised…so collected…
I can’t blame her you know. She is mute. Can't talk, can't articulate. And I think it is one of the most terrible things to happen to even your worse enemy!!! She is soooo innocent. Sitting quiet all day...so silent...so cold. At times it sends chills through me.... Absolutely no feelings. NOTHING!!!?? Just the hard exterior covering the hideously slow insides. I somehow could never get the hang of what makes her tick or work. And she has always remained a mystery to even my compwalla.
Yes people the cause of my distress and yours on occasion...I present to you my pain, my joy, my addiction...FROZEN BEAUTY...MY COMP!!! This is the third time I am rebooting her. Have called her all the names under the sun. But her calm amazes me. It just surprises me-her patience, her composure. Or I suppse she gets back to me by just freezing. Hanging right in the middle of me doing something verryyyy important. Now look…I am disconnected from the internet. Now the techies will tell me it isn’t FB (Frozen Beauty) but something else like my internet –now lets just not get into that or I will just break down and weep.
But I refuse to listen to reason. That FB is growing old and I need to put her to rest. People have told me, “Shipra its time for a revival…an upgrade. And finally I decided yes it was time to upgrade. But then the cruel blow of destiny and my papa decided to get another computer. BABE—we call her. Oh yeah, she is sleek and smart and fast and oh so professional…I was telling a friend the other day…and my poor FB cant just stand the comparison. Not that I am comparing lemme tell you. FB is homey just blending in with the surroundings…the mess of my room—I told my friend.
And then I realized…doesn’t matter I have to reboot her 5 times a day. She eats up my most important documents. She can’t bear the load the pressure, the grind I put her through. But her grit, her determination amazes me. My compwalla’s hands are not tender. And he opens her so brutally( NO PUN) and she bears it all. My FB. I admire her fighting spirit. Her “never-say-die” attitude. Her gumption, her guts. Living in the same household as BABE isn’t easy. Babe is egoistic when my FB is altruistic. Babe is coldly efficient when my FB wheezes and sneezes. But then I love her…I love u FB!!!So next time people…before cursing FB…remember she will get back at you by not sending your messages at all. She might be innocent and homey but she has to survive and survive she does…SURVIVE SHE DOES!!!!

Why was Cupid A Boy

2005-01-04T01:04:00.000-08:00
One of my favs by Blake
Why was Cupid a boy,
And why a boy was he?
He should have been a girl,
For aught that I can see.

For he shoots with his bow,
And the girl shoots with her eye,
And they both are merry and glad,
And laugh when we do cry.

And to make Cupid a boy
Was the Cupid girl's mocking plan;
For a boy can't interpret the thing
Till he is become a man.

And then he's so pierc'd with cares,
And wounded with arrowy smarts,
That the whole business of his life
Is to pick out the heads of the darts.

'Twas the Greeks' love of war
Turn'd Love into a boy,
And woman into a statue of stone--
And away fled every joy.
William Blake

To Be or Not To Be...

2004-12-31T20:54:00.000-08:00
New Year resolutions have always been a piece of cake. It was always one of the three
1. Getting good grades in skool and trying 2 top the class (though that never happened)
2. Swearing off sinful chocolates and gooey ice-creams and cheesy pizzas
3. Or getting a guy before the year ended…
But then this year it’s different. I have been contemplating this since some time now. Ayee reprimanding, “SHIPRA U ARE ** YEARS OLD!!! (A lady never discloses her real age :p) BEHAVE YOUR AGE!!!!!! Friends calling me a goof up…!!! I really admire people who have decided they are a li’l…umm…eccentric( I mean weirdos and screw ups) and taking it in their stride. Or people who know they are…er..… staid.( not implying dull…just grave) They are cool bout it. But this is one thing I can’t seem to decide on. I am a li’l of this and a li’l of that. A little loony and a little sane. A bit funny and slight grave. Have my moments when I put my both my feet in my mouth and there are times I give mind boggling philosophy ( wrt my previous blog post) Now here is the problem area . When im slapstick, well…I A-M slapstick. But then when I am serious…people don’t take me seriously!!!! And im not sure if I am offended. But I deffy don’t like it… Because I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY when I’m serious that is.
People call me a kid and want to pat my head and pull my cheeks. (That mite be because of lack of sticking to my resolutions all those years—referring to sinful chocolates n ice creams) but then my behavior doesn’t help either. So then finally I decided enough is enough!! And voila…my this year’s resolution: BEHAVING MY AGE!!! Its gonna be tough not to make faces and stick out my tongue at people’s back (well I don’t really do that…but it gels well with the flow :P) But then the other day me n a friend were having a conversation about making a choice. Either sit in the passenger seat and be unbothered or be on the driver’s seat and be ready to look under the bonnet when trouble strikes. I admit im the passenger seat kinda person being unbothered by things taking them in my stride more often than not. Now you would ask what then is my problem since I already know I am a li’l of both. But then when I really want my space and I ask people to back off…they think it’s my latest antic. And when im serious…as I said earlier…It rankles!!!! I can’t pen them down…people who r like me will empathize.
So here’s my new year’s resolution…being grim and “mature”!!!

(Wait people till you realize me mature is worse than me a goof up :P:P:P)

Versions And Illusions

2004-12-28T05:56:00.000-08:00
I have a frd who’s a nature lover. he believes, and its true, that nature is perfect, be it right or be it wrong. it IS perfect in whatever it is. “nature has rules that don’t bend. in nature, other than human beings, everything follows a regular pattern. We as human beings live a life unrestricted and uncontrolled and thats why we see the versions. The versions r an illusion.” Is what he has to say. It might seem clichéd the way he puts it. I thought so too in da beginning. But here’s who really does believe in da fact that truth is right. There IS no versions, no different intensities in what is supposed to be right. Versions exist in the wrong. Says he.
He is a b/w kinda guy. No shades of grey in between. No tolerance for versions. No mercy kinda guy. The point here is there are black and white. As well as colors. i wish id known this when we were talking bout it. Lolz..i actually went 2 da encyclopedia to look up wat is da funda behind colors. Of course we are using the analogy here. Which I do understand. But I think colors come very close when we are talking about the reality of life. I do believe in colors. Different shades, different spectrum, different moods. AND different people having different opinion as to what is right and what is wrong. Circumstances, experiences, the upbringing, the place, the religion all colour the judgment of what is right and what is wrong. Also ideologies are also to be considered.
Co incidentally, white is all reflecting. It is not really a colour. N so is black. It absorbs all. I do know there is some relation here 2 the right/wrong funda but im not sure wat.
There are more colours than a human mind can comprehend. There is more truth than a mere mortal can decipher and so are more false...more wrong. If colours are not illusions, then so are not versions. And so there exist a variation a version on what is right and what is wrong. Lolz…rite now its kinda like my 10th grade maths class. Proper segmentation, step by step logic. In a very presentable form. There is this saying, there is always three versions of any thing: ur version, my version and the right version. So am I being contradictory here? No…im just reciting a phrase I read n liked. Or mayb im and m just not accept it.
How can we discard the theory that there can be versions of right just as there can be versions of wrong. Here always when im writing in the word, right..i invariable write in “truth”. I wonder if there is any connection or is it just da human brain which associates the most commonly associated word like truth=right. No no it’s the oder way round. Right=truth…or sumthing like that…
Phew…thinking is really difficult.
Its like that thing…its just within ur reach, and when u crawl that extra inch..it slithers away. Like a dream and memory. The harder u try 2 grasp, the smokier it gets.

Mood I the last day...

2004-12-24T07:39:00.000-08:00

Well , for a very neat and noisy two days...the Final Day left a lot to be desired. it was pretty boring as compared to the other two days. the culmination of Mood I--at least as much as i saw wasnt such a gala event. coz yest we were back very late,we went late aaj. good thing. in retrospect i think we shouldnt have bothered.
Reached IIT for the "Creative Writing" competition. it was a beaut. too bad we didnt wait up for the results...coz i think WE MITE have a chance for da first 3 (wistful thinking). then we went for some workshop on Hairstyling By JAVED HABIB...it SUCKED!!! it was a major disaster. The Crowd was expecting Mr. Habib himself but came his two assistants. (they couldnt speak hindi and their idea o hair olour wasnt the same as the audience) well the issue wasnt them not speaking english but the disaster they had created on the volunteers' hair. but some smartass from NIFT (a volunteer) decided to take matters in HER --didnt i mention it was a sassy gurl??--take matters in her hand!! n boy things got from bad to worse...
then we went to check out the informals and then the fashion show...n we got tired. so we came bak.BTW...the creative writing thing...HERE GOES (the winner ;))
we had to make a prose or a poem from the verses given...there were two...and thr was a picture that was the central theme of the piece. THE PICTURE: the silhouette of a nude woman threading the water. and the verse we chose was,
" I have fled from all and none can now
My way my wanderings see
The waters wildly around me flow
I feel that i am free..."

Hamara write up (hamara as in purva n me)
"Tujse Naaraz nahi Zindagi Hairaan Hoon Main....Hairaan Hoon Main...."
Applause...my classmates, my acquaintances...my friends...The crowd filing out. The Degree in my hand--the open gate...But is THAT the world i want to go to?? Life has always been smooth...But im not content. What have i got? What have i lived? I want more...I want more with life!!!
And that was my moment of truth. Things were always the same but i have changed. (laugh) It was always simmering...ready to come out one day (smile) my restlessness, my want of more. More from me and from my life...My spirit needs more...
I realised i have to fall to be free. i was standing on the brink, the precipite!!!i dont know if it was one of the NOW-Or-NEVER things...That is life isnt it...:) i owed it to myself. I owe it to myself. i had to take the fall. I will take the fall. And...
And....And...!!! I was free. Free!!! It is heady, liberating...exhilerating...ecstasy!!! ...like one feels when the cloud is lifting and the sun shines...??!!! everything is the same yet different. :).
I have fled from all and none can now...
my way my wandering see
The waters wildly around me flow...I feel that i am free
I am not a vagabond...but i wont choose my destiny
I am going to live my life...and :) that life is gonna be... ME!!!

P.s :Second last line is mine...n da last is purva's

Dear Santa...

2004-12-24T06:45:00.000-08:00
It really doesnt matter that i havent got a gift from u since...umm....10 years or so...but i remember the last gift u got for me...and the one before that. And the Barbie Doll House that my firends envied...I have been a very good gurl this entire year...including the time when i gave my seat to the old lady in the Virar Local.
So i suppose its only fair that i ask for something nice and have my wish granted. I WANT CHUTTI!!!! from college. U do know that we have lectures all through the Christmas Vacations. Personally i think it sucks...Do something!!! (i know I am cuttin it a bit too close to the time...)
With loadsa love n Tonnes of kissies
Shipra

MOOD I---My Last Year of College Festivals

2004-12-23T06:10:00.000-08:00
Went to Mood Indigo 2004 aaj...n man it RAWKED!!!!!! and as usual Miss Shipra Nayak had a ball of a time...along with Purva n Rohini. first we started off with the "POSEIDON Adventure" thats entertainment Quiz for u...( i read it in da brochureof logistics :P) there we had a blast. We thought it would be some english and some hindi stuff and can sail through (purva is hindi filum buff). but alas...with IIT...we SHOULD have expected a twist...it was ROCK HARD CORE!!! n umm..lets say we dont listen much to it. and so...we goofed up. BIG TIME!! n had a gala time doing it...some of the Qs n OUR versions of the answers..(public demand hai :P)
Q: a peom by Greg corso it went...first voice hey,man._____ is dead they got his horn locked up sumwhr put his horn in a corner sumwhr like whrs the horn man where?? then second voice.... screw da horn like where's ____??
A: BULL, COW resp.
Q:Mick Jager fiercely objected to Bebe Buell's liason with _____. "what do u want with the fake Mick," Jagger asked her once, "when u've got the real one?" fill in the blank
A: Mick Jagger look alike..we supps it was obvious!!!???
Q:Whas common in the following songs: Jerry Lee Lewis "great Balls of Fire", Bary McGuire ""Eve of Destruction", Steve Miller "Jet Airliner" and Tom Petty "Free Fallin"
A: We haven't heard of any!!!
these were some of the many bombshells we dropped on the IITians :P. we even thought of dropping in our email ids...if not for da first prize...da BRAINY STUDS OF IIT can contact us for hamara sense of humour.

then from there we went to see the Extempore which let me tell u SUCKED!!! BIG TIME!!!! then we went saw some Marathi Mono Acting and then a couple of Ball Room Dancing. The Marathi thing was super cool. Ballroom thing was okie.
AND THEN!!!!! the highlight of the day!!! NAGESH KUKUNOOR AND AARIF ZAKARIA debating on the issues facing the Indian Cinema like the IPR and originalityand the rip off from films abroad. Frankly half the time i was staring at him rather than hear what he was saying....im only human. but what he siad was real neat. i even copied down some of his thoughts. would write up on it sometime later perhaps. Aarif wasnt speaking much...NAGESH HAD THE LIMELIGHT.He said, "As a film maker, all i have to give to the audience is my Originality...and if i cheat on that too..." Among all that he said, this is what i liked the most and things cant get more fundamental than this. Either ways...I have found my latest love...YES PEOPLE its Nagesh( blushing) :P
then there was a small session dedicated to the evergreen songs by Mohd. Rafi and Kishore Kumar.Te singers made goose bumps stand on our arms...Coffee, Kishore Kumar and U...do u need anything else to get a high?? NAAH!!!!!!!
And then we had some famous Maggi Bonda some iced tea and came home...ready to go for the finals ....

Psst psst: Unlike popular beliefs...IITians dont have horns...i double checked ;)

A Goof Up Queen...!!!!

2004-12-21T06:00:00.000-08:00
this is like the best way of advertising for my newly started blog...!!! and aah wat a way. and anyways this happened this noon. so chances are most probably you are one of the people who are a part of my mailing list.
the "hi5" networking thing...i swear to God it aint my fault. his time it isnt...i got an invite from a friend to join "hi5" networking group and it must be my goof up session time because i just pressed some tab and the next thing i know ...i get a mail saying "shipra has invited you to join hi5". now imagine having ur college professors in ur mailing list...and then being a part of 5 online forums...ALL TO WHOM THIS MAIL INVITE IS GONE.!!!!!!!!! now im gettin acceptance mails which are like tonnes in number!!! AND... im being added to the yahoo messenger list of God alone knows how many strangers ....
so people...if u have got an invite ...jus dont accept it...[ invite gone to prof. mukkadam and Rahul shah and venkatesh too!!! :( ]

Opinion...Judgement...or I think...??

2004-12-16T06:07:00.000-08:00
THE BACKGROUND: A frd and I were surfing through the net the other day and stumbled upon a personality test on http://onlythewayiseeit.blogspot.com/ we individually gave the test n the results were pretty amazing...they test u on ur extrovertness as against being an introvert, feelings against thinking, intution or sensing and last but not in the least percieving against judging...now this is where things start getting interesting.
THE ISSUE : PERCIEVING AGAINST JUDGING....we all kno im a lil opinionated(modest :P) so then we sat to discuss bout how much of opinion is judging and the difference and when does "i think" come in the picture.
Now a few points that came up : judgement can b different from opinion...as in judging is when we bring our code of conduct and ethics to the issue...like..." i dont like that style of dressing" is opinion and "that style is so wrong for her..." is judging. another thought was judging and opinion and biases are the same. yet another input was opinions are fixed and dont change...what expresses our likes and dislikes are our thoughts which can and may change over a period of time...
since different words have different intensity and interpretation for different people...the discussion did not come to a concrete end. however i THINK ;) it was pretty nice and insightful to know and realise on how loosely and interchangably we use words and dont realise the effect it might have on the other person.
what is your opinion??

BRB...3 letters n god wat a chaos

2004-12-14T23:00:00.000-08:00
well now we all r humans right...n we forget to say ILL BE RIGHT BACK when we r engrossd in something serious...right??? (jus nod ur head...huh) well i did da same thing...i forgot to tell a frd im working n ill pm him later...okie da end result was no pleasant. he was waitin for my reply for 20 minutes...
now da most obvious thing to do is buzz me or sumthing rite. a frd RAVI suggestd jus apologise and close the issue. that id have done to if it were jus a one time occurance...(sheepish) so then, now i have to write a mail to him saying im sorry and I TRUELY AM..not for the "brb" thing...but for him waiting for 20 mins.
so i say...if a person is a lil...umm...absentminded bout saying BRB n da person happens to be a friend...cant u make allowances or try and understand and not b huffy bout the whole matter...?? i aint being insensitive...just matter of fact. i bet this happens lotsa times with everybody virtual or otherwise...(or is it just me??!!??)

Care for a Drop Of Elixir...??

2004-12-14T00:34:00.000-08:00
y a drop of elixir??? other than the fact that it sounds very classy...it is kinda my life in a phrase...i aint getting philosophical. jus sassy :P. well the thing is i'd love to dish out smart profound philosophical verses ( during some moments i do too...well its a lunar thing) but then im a normal girl in a very normal environment and normal things happen to me...which i again romanticise and blow it into larger than life images...so then why blogging u would ask...because its something i want to do and see if i like it ( with my penchant for lengthy monologues--mostly sided from me im sure id like it).
so again, a drop of elixir i found out is a cure for all ailments...alchemists go hunt it out-- the philosophers stone because it turns metal into gold. mystic, exotic, fuelling fantasy types. and just a drop--look at that!!! lolz...sounds like ujala ad the "bas ek boond??!!"
well the phrase signifying my life because i always want something...real bad...and when i get it, im not sure i want it anymore. so the analogy goes like this...though the prospect of an eternity is a veryyy enticing one once it is actually offered to you i bet you are in a fix if you should actually take a sip of the nectar. so even if it is what you want, you are not sure if you want it and have it forever.i read someplace..."its like asking djinn for a wish. though you have the wish fulfilled and get what you want but somehow its not how you visualised things"
co incidentally...a drop of elixir fell in the river Kshipra in ujjain during Amrit Manthan....just a piece of hindu mythology